How to support friend with cancer

[Jemima1967]

Ever since her diagnosis my friend has isolated herself from me and from most of the other social groups she belongs to. She still goes to work and I have seen her chatting to her neighbours. She was very outgoing and very honest initially about the diagnosis but now does not reply to texts and actively avoids me in the street. I have written a couple of times over the past three weeks simply saying I'm thinking of her and here if she needs me. I don't know if I should do more and be proactive in getting her to socialise again (just a coffee or something) or whether to leave her be. I don't want her to think she's uncared for. Also I need help with my own selfish emotions of feeling cut off from her and missing her friendship.

Go round to her house. It sounds as if she's trying to find a way with dealing with her cancer diagnosis.

Be a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to. She might have distanced herself because she doesn't want to offload onto anyone.

Tell her you miss her and to get in tough when she's ready then leave her be.

Touch.

Yes, or go round as pp said.

I think the thing that's stopping me going round is that a couple of time I've seen her in the distance when she's been walking her dog (where it would be perfect to have a quiet chat) and she's very deliberately walked away to avoid me. I don't want her to feel she has no escape if I turn up on her doorstep.

If she's having treatment she might struggle to cope with everything she used to do and prioritising work/walking dog plus chatting to a neighbour isn't as personal as a friend. How close are you? Pop a note through her door that you miss her company, if there's anything you can do for her to let you know and that your happy to chat about her health or not as sometimes those with cancer really don't want to talk about it(I'm one of many who's family have been through this)

I wouldn't go round! You've already written to her and she is avoiding you in the street and not replying to you texts. I think it's clear that she doesn't want your support at the moment.

Sometimes people just want a bit of space. I think you should just leave it be for a while.

She's not having treatment yet - still at the planning what to do stage. We were very close - have shared much over the past years, relationship breakdowns, other kinds of ill health etc.. I'm quite shocked she hasn't even managed a "thanks but I need some space" message so I know what's going on...

No, please don't go round. I've been that person. It is totally overwhelming and the kindest thing is to let her do things her own way. She will come back to you in her own time.

Argymargy - thanks. Good to hear from someone on the other side.

I'm supporting a friend 9 Years in, when she was first diagnosed she did the same, I took the bulldozer approach as I knew her well enough. I went round and didn't mention it expect to take the nick and accuse her of doing anything to get cake !
She brought it up eventually and we went from there, I think the temptation is to be sympathetic and encourage them to talk is good but frankly it's all the can think about so distraction however daft and stupid gives relief and helps focus.
I truly hope that makes sense and helps you help her

I've been on the other side too. If she's still at the planning treatment stage then the uncertainty will be eating at her and she's possibly all talked out if she has a close family. It can be very wearing explaining the same thing over and over.
I've been going through it 6 years now and my closest friends take my lead. If I want to talk I will, but mostly you want normal conversation to take you out of your head.
Its all so new to her, and I think you need to put your feelings aside for now- she doesn't need pressure.
A cute card or letter just saying you're thinking of her, want to be there for her but will take her lead when she's ready for a chat be it about her illness or chit chat.

Oh and perhaps offer practical help while she's having treatment. Does she have kids? Offer to have them a few hours or cook a meal for them as that will be the last thing she'll want to do. Drive to appointments if feasible. Obviously depends what her situation is, but doing can be more helpful than talking.

I've also been on the other side and in the first few months I couldn't even say the word 'cancer'. She will be reeling. Those first months are so frightening.

Ime I became matter of fact and outspoken during treatment. I couldn't be minding other people's feelings. Social niceties vanished, I simply cba. All my energy went into getting through the vile treatment. I didn't want anyone gushing all over me and being upset. I suppose really I was extremely angry and very frightened.

She may need your help later - I certainly needed help as I live alone. You've made it clear you care and she has avoided you. Try to bear in mind that normal rules don't apply. Try not to take it personally. She'll get in touch in her own time.