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Relationships

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Original poster

DP too 'busy' to hug me. AIBU?

44 replies

Jess867 · 07/09/2017 16:59

AIBU to expect DP to drop things when I go in for a cuddle?
He's never been a particularly affectionate person but I feel it's getting worse. I am often rejected when I go in for a hug and he says 'not now I'm busy'.
I could understand if he was say, working or on a call or similar, but it's happens when for example he's putting his washing away, or getting ready to go out, texting. Things that could easily be paused for a split second.

Is this reasonable of him and we just aren't compatible or is he being an arse?

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 07/09/2017 17:45

All you not-a-hugger types, would you really be happy to be greeted by a partner at the door, after a few days apart with a "hi" and no hug or kiss? I wouldn't be!

JigglyTuff · 07/09/2017 17:47

Is this a new thing? Because I don't like touching someone if I'm going off them

2rebecca · 07/09/2017 17:47

If he's not a huggy person and you are then that may make the relationship difficult as you will feel rejected and he'll feel you're invading his personal space. If things are to work it's maybe sitting down and discussing it. You may need to wait a few minutes for a hug and not expect one exactly when you want one if he is doing stuff though.

Brahms3rdracket · 07/09/2017 17:47

Wanting a hug when you see your bf after a couple of days is NOT NEEDY. You are not wrong to expect affection in a relationship. Is he completely incapable of coping with more than one simple task at a time?

SonicBoomBoom · 07/09/2017 21:37

Does he show his love in other ways?

SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 22:33

How about just hugging him instead of asking. Let it happen organically.

My DH asks for hugs and it can be irritating when I'm busy.

How does he initiate intimacy then?

HeddaGarbled · 07/09/2017 22:43

He doesn't sound like he's pleased to see you when you arrive - like your arrival is interrupting his important putting away his clothes task and just a nuisance to him. I think this relationship may be over.

Teebird669 · 07/09/2017 23:12

Just wondering..do you have to ask him for sex too if he's not too busy?

KarateKitten · 07/09/2017 23:19

Woah there with the LTBs. Some people just don't like hugs! It's not that weird. Some people don't like blow jobs, would you force it on them if the other one loved giving them?

If he's otherwise loving and supportive and a good partner, then maybe not liking hugs is just a quirk you need to write off.

Fluffybrain · 07/09/2017 23:24

He sounds cold and controlling. If you don't want to feel rejected for the rest of your life then end it. Plenty of huggy people out there who would suit you better.

mindutopia · 08/09/2017 09:47

I personally think it's a little weird to just hug someone when they are putting the washing away or getting dressed or texting or whatnot. It a little bit feels like desperation, like needing attention and not wanting him doing something else. I would definitely be put off if I was in the middle of doing dishes and my husband needed me to stop so we could cuddle. I think I would think it was strange he didn't do it another time when I wasn't in the middle of something. But I don't think I would say, "I'm too busy." Unless it got annoying and it was all the time and a bit needy. Why not just hug each other when he isn't busy? If he is always busy and ignoring you and not interacting with you, then that's another issue.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/09/2017 11:43

Talk to him. Say how you're feeling. Ask him why he doesn't want to hug. Let him know how important it is to you.

It sounds like it might just be a difference in style. Perhaps talking can help by finding out why, or if there is a middle ground you can meet on. if not then you know that it will remain a sticking point for years and can decide if you can live with that or not.

From what you've said you don't sound particuarly needy to me, just that you need a hug now and then to feel hugged. He doesn't (or as someone said, he's going off you). If you need physical contact and he doesn't, it's going to create some strain and feelings of rejection.

Talk to him!

supersop60 · 08/09/2017 12:02

Yes, some people don't like hugs. If you are a hugger, and you continually get rejected, I don't think that's going to change. Is he like Sheldon from 'Big Bang Theory'?

2rebecca · 08/09/2017 13:02

I wouldn't try hugging someone if they were in the middle of texting. That sounds odd or putting washing away. I get annoyed if my husband tries hugging me from behind if I'm washing up etc. i do think hugging should be a mutual thing when you both want a hug, not one person stopping the other one doing something. What is the point of that sort of hug. We're usually standing chatting when i hug my husband. Is part of the problem you are at his house and bored whilst he has stuff to do?

TheStoic · 08/09/2017 13:08

You are not needy. Apparently that is the worst thing a woman can be.

A hug is the minimum I would expect from my boyfriend if I hadn't seen him in a few days. Otherwise...is he even my boyfriend??

ravenmum · 08/09/2017 13:27

I would kind of expect some sort of greeting other than "hi" if I arrived at my bf's - a hug, a kiss or a brief conversation before he got back to the important business of choosing his outfit for the day. If I didn't get it, though, I wouldn't go up to him as he chose his clothes and try to hug him. I'd just silently think that he didn't seem exactly delighted that I'd arrived.

Maybe the problem is more that you don't get a chance to show affection as he is so busy doing other busy-busy stuff all the time? Does he put much time or effort into the relationship in other ways?

Barbaro · 08/09/2017 14:48

Does sound like he's just not a hugger or a very affectionate person in general. My boyfriend even if he is busy will still give me a hug if I want one, I'll do the same if he wants one.

If you want more affection, you can ask him for it, but cant guarantee you'll get it.

spangleknickers · 08/09/2017 15:10

My partner is always asking for, no...atually, demanding hugs when I am in full 'cleaning the kitchen and doing everything else' pelt. Constantly. It's quite suffocating. I am not overly affectionate as a rule to anyone, but always hug and cuddle my kids. He knows I am not a cuddly person, but he keeps on keeping on. The fact that the OP and her BF don't live together makes it a little odd, that he can't just give her the occasional hug - but not when he is mid task. I once avoided snogging someone by chipping away at an ice block that was preventing the fridge door from closing. It didn't need doing, I just wanted to avoid bodily contact. Perhaps his brisk hanging up of shirts is an avoidane thing? I guess it depends on other vibes from him. He may just be a bit of a cold fish

Branleuse · 08/09/2017 16:36

Youre not needy. I would lose interest in someone that never wanted a hug.

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