stale marriage

[KC11]

I have been married 17 years. DH is a good person and earns pretty good money for a fairly stress free job. Works shifts though, which means as I am office based (9-5) we rarely have the same day off. His shifts cause rows because when he should be going to bed to get a decent rest before work he stubbornly refuses to go to bed and sits watching TV and playing/reading mobile phone/ebay etc until really late. So late that he gets about 4 hours sleep. I need decent sleep so go to bed at a fairly regular time which provides me with a decent rest. When I bring the subject up I'm shot down with 'I'm not tired' comments. Despite DH falling asleep early in the evening whilst 'watching' TV. It's like living with a sulky teenager. DH gets home early during the day sometimes as early as 2pm. We have no DC (a constant source of angst for me). We are no too old to conceive. Tried and failed at IVF too many times. DH not interested in adopting or talking about adopting. This pattern has occurred over many years. I hide my feelings a lot of the time because I don't want to argue with DH. When we argue it ends in sulking and silence for days/weeks. We attended marriage counselling 6 years ago but DH believed the counsellor took my side. Counsellor did not take sides. DH now refuses to think about counselling. I can't get DH to open up. Any ideas?

Do you do things together? Sounds like you need to make time to go out to dinner/cinema or whatever you'd enjoy and, given that money isn't an issue, take a few holidays a year. That would give you something to look forward to, and give you time away from the routine.

Why are you with him still?. What is in this relationship for you, what do you get out of this? What is keeping you together?. Fear of the unknown or of being lonely?.

Are you frightened of voicing your own feelings here in front of him for fear of being shut down?.

Sulking is not about silence; its about punishment and power and control and wanting that over the other person. Exaggerated sulking like he has shown you is also another form of emotional abuse. He got annoyed with the counsellor you saw because as you rightly stated, she did not take sides. He wanted her to take his side and blame you for all the problems in the relationship. This is who he is and he is not going to change for you or anyone else. He is probably also very much a product of his own upbringing; what sort of an example did his parents show him about relationships?.

Thanks for listening. DH's parents had 3 DC together. Relationship was apparently bad after youngest reached mid-teens. the parents apparently ignored each other. Eventually it cam to light that the DH (my FIL) was having an affair and he moved out to live with other woman. FIL and OW are happily married and have been for years.

My DH shuts down my feelings all the time. If I am sad he dismisses it as silly. If I say please can you put down your mobile phone and leave it alone he can't do it.

If I text DH and it is a question that needs an answer he seems to delay replying but when I ask later (face to face) if he got the text he says 'Oh I didn't have my phone' or 'it was on charge'. The best excuse is that the reception must have been poor in that part of the house. AIBU to think that DH can answer whatsapp messages from friends and find time to sell crap (I mean his car spares stuff) on ebay and to have 'banter' with lots of work colleagues and his relatives on facebook but can't find 3 second to reply to my text?

As you can probably tell I am getting sick to the back teeth of this.

If it makes a difference I cheated on DH 6 years ago for 4 weeks. DH found out (4 days after I finished it) and DH cannot forgive or forget. That was why we went for counselling. The other man was not someone he knew. It was not a friend of his or of mine. It was stupid and idiotic and I do regret hurting DH and our families. All contact with OM stopped but DH found our I had given OM £200 of my money as he was hard up and needed the money for something important. DH hounded the OM for the money because he got the number off my mobile phone. DH got the money and felt like he 'won'.

I am sorry for what I did. I will never do that ever again.

I am not trying to make light of my infidelity but should DH move on?

The affair was over and finished on a Sunday and DH found out 4 days later bec OM texted my mobile which DH had in his possession at the time (the text asked me to meet OM cos he wanted to know if I was OK. It was on that day DH found out about the affair. DH had apparently watched me enter my mobile PIN on previous days and had sussed the PIN and found out about finished affair through that text.

Do you both think that there's anything here that's worth saving?

Yes i think there's something worth saving. I need some talking from him and some effort on his part.

I am retraining for a new career and also working my old career to be able to afford the retraining. It's going well.

DH is a sulker and a head in the sand person.

My DH's mother has been in and out of hospital recently and I think DH feels put on even though he could not do much more for his mother.

There have been 2am phonecalls and calling of ambulances for her. Both myself and DH have gone out to her home in the middle of the night to let ambulance people into her house and they pick her up off the floor. She has had a broken hip and other injuries. it puts a strain of everyone in the family.

I was wondering why you have not divorced him as yet.

Having an affair was not right and you know that but I think you were looking for and got something that your marriage was and still is sadly lacking in. This OM probably showed you some affection and interest in what is really a loveless marriage here and you gladly accepted that from him.

I maintain that your H refused to attend further counselling because the counsellor did not take his side and blame you for all the problems in the relationship. He continues to punish you for your transgression and he thinks he has the high ground here. He has not wanted to forgive you and furthermore uses this to beat you about the head with.

Re your comment:-

" AIBU to think that DH can answer whatsapp messages from friends and find time to sell crap (I mean his car spares stuff) on ebay and to have 'banter' with lots of work colleagues and his relatives on facebook but can't find 3 second to reply to my text?"

No. He is probably as well all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world too. Street angel, house devil is a perhaps good description of your H.

From what you have written KC there is really nothing to rescue and or save here. He will retire one day and what are you going to do then?.

"I need some talking from him and some effort on his part."

But there is nothing from him here to suggest he actually wants to do that. He would rather sulk and bury his head in the sand instead. You cannot rescue and or save a marriage on your own; he has to want to do so as well and tbh he is probably quite happy as he is.

Your marriage is over - you just haven't signed the paperwork yet.

I am mentally giving my marriage another month and then I'll make a decision.I have my parents, brother and other relatives that will support me emotionally and otherwise.I am strong and capable of starting a new life. My new career which I am currently training for is bringing me happiness and enjoyment and I feel a sense of pride in doing it.Studying whilst working full time is not easy but it gives me a focus and determination.

Thanks for all your comments and advice.