How much shouting?

[Hermagsjesty]

My DH is quite quick to turn his anger and frustrations into shouting. I really don't like it but I don't really have a sense of if I'm being over sensitive? For example, we're all finding it hard getting used to the school run again. DH was cooking his breakfast in our (very small) kitchen - I went in to get the cereal for me and the kids. I understand I was under his feet and that was annoying - and maybe I should have waited - but it quickly turned to him shouting at me, saying I was "unbelievable" etc.

My own parents' bicker and squabble but my Dad's more of a grumbler than a shouter - I don't remember him and my Mum ever having stand up rows. So, maybe it's about what you're used to? DHs Dad is definitely a shouter, too. As the kids get older I'm increasingly unhappy with them growing up seeing an adult stomping and shouting... Am I right to try and ask DH to handle his frustration differently or is it something to just accept?

None. The minute I was treated with such utter contempt the marriage would be broken.

Yes you are right. He has to grow up and learn to control himself. I honestly can't see how going in to get the cereal can be "unbelievable"...
It's not a question of what you're used to either - he sounds like a bit of a big baby having tantrums.

Sounds disgusting. Shouldn't he be helping you feed the DC before he selfishly starts making breakfast for himself. Can't ever imagine my OH speaking to me like that. I hope you stand up to him x

It was unbelievable that you'd want to give your children some cereal shortly before leaving on the school run?

I'd think it was more unbelievable to expect to monopolise the kitchen for a cooked breakfast for one at peak getting-ready time on a school day.

I don't think DH and I ever shout at each other. Sometimes we grump, and we might shout up the stairs to each other eg "DW where are my shoes?" but we never shout at each other, and we make sure if the DC have heard the grumping they hear the apology and reconciliation. Just as an idea of a baseline probably normal amount of shouting.

Massive red flag. The shouting like that is a display of the lack of respect he has for you. Has he always been like that?

I've been married for 10 years and shouting like that has never been a part of our relationship. It's not normal OP, don't stand for it and accept that it is.

He sounds a bully, this is so damaging for your children, and you btw, I couldn't live in a house with someone who was so nasty.

DP and I have only raised our voices twice in 6 years. It was horrible, both times and we swore never to let things get to that point again. Roaring and shouting at you over anything is bad, over something so minor is appalling .

Yeah that's not good
He sounds quite aggressive

Not a good example for your children either

Thanks for your replies. I suppose he's always been like this, but we were quite young when we got together and I think I mistook it for 'passion' (I was quite fiesty myself back then) but not it really feels like something he should have outgrown. I try to stay calm in response but then can lead to him blaming me for making him shout then "pretending I'm perfect" He had agreed to counselling at one point (for other issues) so maybe I should explore that again... I think we just need to find better ways to communicate when we're both tired/ stressed.

It sounds like he might be unhappy more generally - could be worth talking to him when he's in a good mood to see if he'll share how he's feeling with you.

Like father like son in your H's case.

You get tired and stressed and do not act like this towards him I bet. Many people are tired and stressed and do not resort to acting like a petulant child to get their own way.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; look at what your H learnt about relationships and how this has affected him. This is not the relationship example that should be modelled to your children.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Abuse is non a communication problem; its about power and control. He wants that and certainly exerted power and control over you all this morning. I also doubt very much that he will ever sit in front of a counsellor.

My wife shouts at me on a daily basis for some reason or another, I keep telling her that it's not nice but whatever. She blames on her being tired but her dad is the same and I tell her that if she doesn't shout at work she can not shout at me.

No kids either and I do most of the house work so fuck knows why she's tired all the time.

I will be LTB when I can.

You have my sympathy OP.