Getting all that's left?

[motherofbabes]

Hi all,

I'm a SAHM to a toddler, and am getting a bit fed up with my partner. Not 'ending it' fed up but just was interested to hear outsiders opinions really.

Toddler is coming up 2. He's really very easy (was a high needs baby so maybe just seems that way after a tough first year), eats well, naps well, sleeps well, plays nicely etc.

My OH works very hard to provide for us. He leaves the house around 7am each day, has a hour and a half's commute each way and works in a high pressure fairly senior position. He generally isn't home until 7pm each night. He sometimes seems our son for maybe 20 minutes in the mornings max, and not at all at night as he's in bed by half six (I can't keep him up any later, not an enforced early bedtime).

Aside from work, OH has football training one evening a week, manages another sports team once a week and plays football on Saturday afternoons. In order to make the evening sessions, he often goes into work early and leaves early (this is fine with work).

He told me the other day how much he misses seeing our son in the week after I made a flippant comment about how nice it must be to have a quiet uninterrupted breakfast in the morning if he was up early and we were still asleep (that sounds blissful to me!) He said it wasn't, he hated it as he doesn't see DS. I hadn't considered that, I felt for him. Since then, I've made a real effort for us to be up with him (i don't wake DS but if he's stirring rather than have an extra half hour in bed while he rouses I get us both up) so that OH can give him his breakfast. They both love it.

However I've noticed him getting a bit huffy on the days when he needs to leave early in order to finish early for football. DS is a toddler, obviously he doesn't just sit and eat breakfast in five minutes flat, it takes a bit of time (not excessive, maybe 15 mins?) I mentioned on those days that he could get up fifteen minutes earlier - or be more organised at night. It's no skin off my nose if he doesn't do breakfast, I'm more than happy to do it but the point is we've started getting up purely so that he gets a little time with DS! He got very cross with me and said I was being a bitch when I said 'it's about priorities isn't it- you need to get going so you can play football later, which means you don't have time to spare for DS. So don't moan if you don't see DS in the morning'

He also spends all Saturday afternoons out playing sport when he could be at home. Again, his choice I don't mind him having a hobby. But then don't whinge that you get to spend so little time with your child!

I feel like work gets the best of him (can't be helped) then sport and DS, then I get the little that's left. If I chose to spend the same time on hobbies two evenings a week and all afternoon on Sundays (i go to the gym a few times a week but do it in the day after arranging childcare for a couple of hours, usually my retired MIL comes to play with DS which they both love) we'd have literally no family time. When he is here with DS, he's totally hands on. Saturday mornings are his lie in day (so he's fresh for the game in the afternoon) and Sundays are mine so Sunday mornings are just him and DS, then we usually do stuff together once I'm up (not late around 9am).

Am I being out of order to think he's being a bit selfish?

I can see your point that it's a bit much for him to huff and puff about DS being slow eating his breakfast you do both get up early to make sure you see him, and I'm sure you would take over rather than make him late for work. It's not on him calling you a bitch though.
I don't think you can have a go about his evening sports though, as its just the equivalent of your gym trips. I'm sure he'd prefer to play during the day instead of working too, if it were possible.
You both get a lie in on a weekend. So as long as he's doing his fair share when you're both at home, but seems pretty fair to me. Although it won't feel like that as his workday/commute is quite long.

I think he is being selfish and you feel as you do for good reason, that resentment will likely increase over time as well. It may lessen when the football season has finished but he will continue with the football next year. I presume as well you are doing the bulk of the housework as well as looking after his child.

re your comment:-
"Aside from work, OH has football training one evening a week, manages another sports team once a week and plays football on Saturday afternoons. In order to make the evening sessions, he often goes into work early and leaves early (this is fine with work)".

I guess he does not want to give any of this up for his family unit or has even considered knocking the sessions during the week on the head so I do wonder where you and your child do fit in his priority list. You are both not at the top of that. I actually do not like the sound of him at all tbh with you.

You call him your OH; are you not married to this person?. I ask only as being a SAHM and unmarried puts you in a very poor position legally speaking.

I don't mind the evenings as such, DS is in bed and 2 evenings a week to me isn't unreasonable to me. It's the fact that he has to leave early to accommodate these, which impacts on his limited time with DS - which I try so hard to help with only to find him huffy. Of course I'd rather help (or just do it myself) than make him late for work definitely - he'd never be late as in in trouble with his employers only late because he's going in early as he wants to leave early if that makes sense.

Nope, not married. We talked about it, but then fertility issues meant that either we chose to get married or start trying for a baby ASAP. I wasn't prepared to wait to get married and risk not being able having a child. We've been together for ten years, I own half the (valuable) house with not a huge mortgage and have decent savings (both joint and individual). I'm not concerned about my financial position. I have full access to all of our money (earned by him, but ours nonetheless). I'll return to work when DS (and any subsequent kids we might be lucky enough to have) are school age.

For all his talk, fact is he prioritises his extra curricular sport activities over spending time with his son and his lack of time with his son isn't your responsibility.

He's being selfish and needs reminding that a relationship with his son is his responsibility. If he doesn't want to be one of those fathers who finds out at a late stage that he doesn't have a relationship with his child, simply because he didn't invest in the relationship when they were young.

The thing is, DS adores him. And he adores DS, they are so gorgeous together. I just get a bit wound up that he moans - but could change things IF he wanted to! There's nothing more I can do.

And yes to the PP who asked about housework I do do most of it because I'm at home all day. I do most of it when DS naps. I don't mind as long as he pitches in a bit when he's here which he does (usually with a bit of a verbal prod) most of the time. I would rather he spent his time at home with DS than cleaning though so I tend to get most of it done while he's at work.

I think he got cross because you touched a nerve op. He knows he's responsible for the lack of time with your ds and it's easier to take it out on you than take responsibility for it himself. I think the time in the evenings is fair enough, but considering how little he sees you both during the week he shouldn't be doing the Saturday afternoons each week too.

@Brahms3rdracket yes I think you could be right. He never normally calls me names, and I will be having a stern word when he gets home later. I will not tolerate being spoken to like that and he knows it.

He did say as he left 'well you saying that makes me feel just great doesn't it' and when I said 'well, it's you that misses out' (on DS) he said 'I know, I miss out EVERY BLOODY DAY'.

Well yes you do, but you have to work if we want to live and eat. But you do not have to miss out at weekends and in the mornings, if you chose not to!

He loves his job by the way, it's not like he's forced to stick at something he hates to provide for us. It's a pain that it's a fairly long drive away but he's well rewarded, looked after etc. He has amazing career opportunities too. We did consider moving closer when we bought this house, I wouldn't have minded much but OH wanted to stay living close by to our families - which as it turns out was a good move because now they are all wonderful grandparents and DS and I are lucky to be able to see them several times a week, being so local.

Gokd for you OP, I hope he listens.

I agree that you touched a nerve. It is about priorities, and effort, and he's chosen to put more time and effort into football than his DS.

Well it would appear I definitely touched a nerve this morning. Just had a text saying he'd left fifteen minutes earlier than he needed to so that he can drop in at home and read DS a bedtime story before he goes out instead of going straight out from work as he was planning.

DS will be delighted to see him, so that's nice.

Why does DS have to go to bed so early?

When my dd was little, I kept her up until 10pm so she'd get time with her dad otherwise she'd never have seen him. She obviously woke later as a result but it didn't matter as there was nothing more important than time with her dad plus that gave me opportunity to do chores vefire she woke. Obviously that changed when she started at preschool.

Because I can't keep him up any later he's exhausted by then. He's only 20 months. He sleeps 6:30pm until 6ish am and also naps in the day.

Each to their own with parenting decisions, what works for each family is different but no way would I keep a tired 20 month old up until 10pm each night. DS hasn't gone to bed at that time of night since he was tiny, 3-4 months I'd say from memory. It wouldn't be fair on him at all.

You change it gradually. He gets the same time asleep as he normally would but just goes to bed earlier and gets up later as a result. No way I'd support a bedtime that meant my dd and dh didn't get time together.

^ I guess it depends which he would prefer, or which they would get most benefit from - seeing each other on a morning or an evening. To be fair, a lot of parents miss out on one or the other when the kids are little, so he should just suck it up or change his work/sports hours if he's that concerned. DS being in a good routine and getting sufficient sleep is the priority.