No love and no affection in my marriage

[DancingQueenBee]

I've been in a marriage with what seems like no love or affection for 13 years.

He says he loves me (doesn't say it but when pressed says he does) but it doesn't seem to show. He hasn't made a attempt to hug me kiss me or anything at all this year.

I spoke to him last year and told him I couldn't live my life live this. Living basically as roommates that have sex every couple of weeks. When we do have sex there is no intimacy, no kissing no cuddling no touching no desire just sex.

When I spoke to him about how it made me feel he said it just wasn't him. He isn't a cuddly loving person. He apparently hates proper kissing even during sex and refuses point blank.

But he wasn't like this before, actually quite the opposite until I married him, he has done a complete U turn and now comes across as embarrassed to make any sort of move.

He said he understood how it must make me feel and promised to try harder. He did for about 2 weeks and nothing since.

Earlier this year I found he was viewing porn early in the morning before work on our shared pc. He didn't even attempt to delete the history.
We spoke as it's very unlike him and he said he wanted sex with me but was too embarrassed to ask. He said it was romantic porn as he misses the romance. Yet NEVER makes any move on me at all. And when I make a move he pulls away.

6 weeks ago I decided to stop any affection to him as I got fed up of going in for a kiss (peck on the cheek) and him pulling away. He constantly does this and says it's a joke but I don't find it funny. Every time I went in for a hug he rolls his eyes and says come on then be quick. There is only so much rejection I can take.
In that time nothing's changed.

I just feel I can't be bothered anymore.

Is it too much to expect some love and affection from my husband?

I have absolutely no idea where to go from this. I don't see the point in talking to him again as well, what's the point I've brought it up time and time again and nothing changes.

WWYD?

This sounds like a communication issue. At the heart of the matter, it sounds like you both want the same thing.
Have you tried counselling?

I've tried to get him to councling for years and he absolutely refuses to go.

Have you verified the 'romantic porn' story? If it's true then he's messed up but at least wants some version of romance and affection. If it's not true and it's a different sort of porn altogether then he just want sex.

For me, either way, he's behaving so hurtfully, it would be a deal breaker unless he seeks help. He promised to love and cherish you. He's not fulfilling that promise.

"DancingQueenBee" this sounds very much like my marriage (see "Is this Normal?") except for the porn bit. My husband is so emotionally detached its unreal. Do you have kids? I ask because after we did he went off having sex with me. The first time we did it after I'd given birth he was disgusted and said you're all loose! He never initiated it it was always me except on extremely rare occasions when we had had a row and not spoke for a while then it was his way of getting me to stop being angry with him. It was very rare that I actually did the no speaking thing though as that's his thing. However recently I'm so angry I'm deliberately not speaking to perhaps force him to react but he hasn't.

I did not think he would attend any counselling sessions; they don't want to be told anything. Any efforts to change on his part are but token ones and do not last long. It says far more about him than it ever would about you. It shows me that he is quite happy in his own way with the way things are. His porn usage has also contributed to his own underlying problems with intimacy.

What do you get out of this relationship now, why are you still there with him?. What is keeping you still within this?. I would seek legal advice and look into separating from him. You certainly cannot and should not spend the next year, let alone 13, as you have done.

Matilda - no i did have a quick look after he came out with the "romantic" cobblers and it was quite far from what he said.
I interoperated his comments as "I was trying to get myself worked up in order to ask you for sex" but he didn't ask me.

Sadmum - I read your thread and it sounds very similar to my situation. The hardly speaking really rings true with me and our DD. Yet when he's out with other people you can't shut him up. When I speak he either doesn't listen or rolls his eyes so I tend not to bother.

Since having a child I suppose out sex lives have changed a bit as there is certain things he will no longer entertain but I've put that down to laziness on his part.

Meerkat - out of our relationship I don't get much if I'm truly honest. I think the only real reason I've stayed so long is the financial stability. I love our home and don't want to have to move. Also our financial situation is complicated and if we were to separate I worry that he could potentially walk away with a lot of my money.

"Meerkat - out of our relationship I don't get much if I'm truly honest. I think the only real reason I've stayed so long is the financial stability. I love our home and don't want to have to move. Also our financial situation is complicated and if we were to separate I worry that he could potentially walk away with a lot of my money".

Those are not good reasons to stay. Not even close. You're miserable and your child likely pick up on all the vibes at home as well both spoken and unspoken.

Your fear as well about potentially moving and or otherwise losing your home or a chunk of cash may well be unfounded; you need legal advice to address this issue properly rather than just mere supposition. Are you really prepared to live like this purely because of money and a lifestyle that you want to maintain?. You're miserable enough as it is, money is not going to cuddle you here or make you feel better.

You have a child, a daughter. Would you want her as an adult to have a relationship like yours is?. I would hope not and I think you would answer no as well. Both of you between you are showing her that a loveless marriage is her norm too, is that what you want for her as well?. She is learning about relationships from you two as her parents, you are her blueprint here for her future relationships. You have a choice still re this man; she does not.

Re the kissing, on a practical point, is there any chance that there's an issue on your end with oral hygiene? I've had partners in the past (well flings, didn't make it into a relationship for this very reason) who were oblivious to the fact that they had horrendously bad breath, all of my hints to brush our teeth before getting into bed and offering gum didn't work and in the end I couldn't be bothered anymore. It made it so difficult to kiss cos of the smell. So I wonder if there's any possibility that some of that is going on and he feels too awkward to tell you but it's putting him off kissing? It seems really weird to really dislike kissing your partner.

The fact he rolls his eyes and doesn't listen when you talk but doesn't shut up around others is really bad, he sounds like he has contempt for you which is a massive relationship killer. You don't sound remotely happy. Time to lay an ultimatum down, and insist you go for couples counselling or you're done. It sounds sadly like he might be happy to be done but at least you know and can move on if that's the case.

He's taking you for granted. He's not compromising or making an effort.

You talked to him, you've asked him to go counselling which he refuses. Seems like he's nor taking you seriously or understand how much this effecting you.

Me personally, I'd pack my bags and go, that would make him lift his head from the computer. Some people don't realise what they've got til its gone.

He'll either realise he needs to get his arse on gear or he'll be relieved he won't have to make an effort any more and that's when you'll really have to think about your marriage and leave him for good.

Meerkat - I agree wholeheartedly with your post, I really do. You are correct I do need legal advice and if it weren't for the fact that house and money issues are tricky I would of been gone 7 years ago when this all really started.

The easy way out would be for him to change, if he could change and maybe even meet me halfway I would be happy. We do have a nice life, and sometimes get on great. BUT it's to make him see he needs to change. Talking doesn't help and I don't want to play games but I think it would need me to kick him out to make him see sense.

Kity - I appreciate your post, it does ring true as I was a smoker and he wasn't so I appreciate that was a issue years ago. But I gave up smoking about 5 years ago and my oral hygiene is really good so no issues there but it's not changed. He's just not into kissing apparently.

He says he is really happy but I think he's happy with our lifestyle too and if we were to separate he would really struggle alone. Renting would take half of his salary before bills and groceries.

I really need to figure out some sort of plan.

I'm male and have this problem too. Most of the time I'm gaslighted about there being any kind of intimacy issues between us, but when pushed about the absence of handholding, cuddles, snuggling, kissing (and in our case, sex) she says she's just not a cuddly kind of person and that it's up to me to make the moves (to which then she's not receptive).

I think the porn usage is a red herring. He's probably simply using it to get himself off without involving you, in the same way my wife will privately gets herself off with a toy or somesuch without involving me.

He doesn't want intimacy with you sadly, that's the underlying point.

"He says he is really happy but I think he's happy with our lifestyle too and if we were to separate he would really struggle alone. Renting would take half of his salary before bills and groceries".

So what if it did?. He is not your problem once you separate from him.
Why are you putting his needs above yours?. Is that what you learnt about relationships when growing up?.

You cannot stay in this simply because of money and or a lifestyle; your daughter as well will not thank you for staying with him and will perhaps wonder of you why you put him before her. Of course he is "happy"; he gets what he wants out of this but you are miserable in the meantime. He only cares for his own self and certainly not you or your child.

He won't change but you can certainly change how you react to him.

This sad to read. I have similar a situation. DH does not tell me he loves me. DH does not kiss me goodbye. When he gets home from work or being out he simply calls out 'hello' and then goes straight to the toilet with his mobile phone. I used to tell him I love him and he'd say 'yeah, I know'. So I've ended up not saying it now so I don't have to hear the rejection. I adore hugs and being hugged. He isn't into that. DH grew up on a household with marital problems, an affair and the husband (my FIL) leaving wife for the OW.

I like kissing and being kissed. DH is not into kissing as in the past he had an issue with his teeth not being straight. I add that I have been with him for more than 22 years. He had his teeth straightened but his mental attitude has not changed at all.

You have tried everything and yes I agree his constant rejection of you is not going to do your mental wellbeing any good, that and the porn viewing would be enough for me to call it a day; I'd never lower myself to beg a man for intimacy; he's not even tired, just says it's him, well you are not a cold fish, you are a warm sensual woman, go find yourself a man that will appreciate that.

tried, not tired.