Over reaction or entitled to be hurt?

[VonCrumm]

Feeling very hurt and upset at the moment but unsure if I am overreacting. Have a beautiful 6 Week old dc, whilst heavily pregnant 'dp' calls me a ' Useless fat cunt' during dinner with our other children. We had been arguing earlier so the atmosphere was frosty between us. At the time I said it was unacceptable, hurt me etc, he apologised and all was forgotten. However I still feel floored by his comment, it hurt so much. I felt awful at the time which he knew, was struggling and I can't understand why you would use that language towards someone you love. You clearly wouldn't would you? We have been together along time and have had issues in the past with his behaviour towards me. I have also felt very let down and unsupported since we had children 3 years ago which was what the argument was about earlier and I am struggling being a sahm, the decision to be one, actually doing it etc. I just feel so hurt by it, bruised in a way. Am I overreacting, is it baby blues, or is it justified?

Are you genuinely asking if it is reasonable for your husband to call you a useless fat cunt? You need mn to answer this?

It's not ok for anyone to call you a useless fat cunt. Ever. Under any circumstances.

Let's break the sentence down a moment;

Useless - clearly not. You are a mother to your young children and spend all day looking after them.

Fat - no. Pregnant. You know, carrying another human around everywhere with you!

Cunt - well, I suspect there was a cunt at the dinner table that evening. But it certainly wasn't you.

YANBU to still feel hurt. Not at all. To be quite honest, I'm not sure I could forgive a comment like that from DH. Such a lack of respect, and downright nastiness there.

Do you have the option to go back to work when your baby is a bit older? Being a SAHM is great for many but it certainly doesn't suit everyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong in admitting that you would be happier going back to work. This is a guilt that society only places on mothers isn't it? Everyone expects a father to return to work full time after paternity leave - but often mothers doing the same face guilt & criticism.

The other obvious advantage of being back at work is being less financially reliant on a man like this. You may find that you're better off being a happy, fulfilled, working single mum than an unhappy, unsupported, disrespected SAHM & wife.

He even said this infront of your children? Fucking awful. If I were you I would have a long sensible chat with him about it, and if you feel his behaviour is moving towards how it was before I would start looking at options to leave.

I have a 7 week old, two extra stone and just the one kid! Trust me- your doing amazingly.

If my DH said that I'd have (figuratively) knocked him two weeks from Monday.

Errr. Of course it's hurtful.
Why wouldn't you realise that is actually worrying.
I would not take that sort of language from anyone especially my dh and especially around my dc.
Seems your relationship is not one of mutual respect ATM.
How about you start to turn things around op. Do what makes you happy and keep your dc happy. Don't let your dc speak that way to you again. You deserve better.

Thank You. Seeing it written down makes me realise that. Not sure I can forgive at the moment, however I feel at rock bottom with everything at the moment. I know I have to turn things around but it feels like an insurmountable task right now. Along with many other previous issues this feels like the end, feel kicked when your down already. Other than my amazing dc I have absolutely no one else in my life, no friends or family which makes it quite daunting,but I have a nagging feeling that if I make a go of it alone it has to be better than being together, lonely and spoken to like that. Feel like such a cliche, used to be so confident, happy and strong. He even admitted after saying it that he felt that it would be the final straw and he hoped I would leave. Sorry just ranting now in tiredness.

He hoped I wouldn't leave, that should say.

Once you've left him you may find you have friends. They might have been avoiding spending time with him & be happy you are away from him, you'll go back to being confident, happy & strong as you were before.

Are you still bleeding etc from the birth? Once you've stopped you'll feel a bit better, can you use this time to plan and look for somewhere to live?

That's a really disrespectful nasty thing to say to you

Doesn't sound like he cares about your relationship much or you

I feel any friendships are long gone as it has been so long. I will have to make new ones, once I get a bit more confidence back, its so bloody hard. Tried at toddler groups and its so full of cliques and I struggle to talk about parenting as frankly I want to talk about anything else. Recovered physically from birth, having blood pressure problems since with post partum pre eclampsia and am on meds for. Need to shed a few pounds gained through three pregnancies though. Thanks for the kind words and advice I know what I have to do just been in denial and dreading the upset for the dc and the possibility of separating.

I'm so sorry you are married to this arse wipe. The fact you have no other support makes it worse. He is a nasty, selfish piece of work.

Has he deliberately isolated you from friends or is it something that has just happened over time?

YADNBU though

One of the nice thing about parenting is that children change & their interests and opportunities change. Unless you live somewhere very small there will different playgrounds you can go to as your older children grow & you'll meet other people. You've engaged with us, strangers over the internet, you will find friends again, it just takes a bit of time.

VonCrumm

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You can turn this around by getting this person out of your day to day life. Womens Aid are worth contacting re your situation and they can also help.

You wrote this which is not at all surprising:-
"We have been together along time and have had issues in the past with his behaviour towards me"

What he called you at the dinner table is a continuation of this same behaviour. Its abusive and I think he has conditioned you to accept this as what people do. It is designed to hurt and cut deep. He won't leave quietly because he likes having you around to do everything and abuse you at the same time.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you here; they are seeing their dad abusing their mother and its no legacy to leave them. Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like yours is, no. Your children won't thank you for staying with this man simply because he is their dad.

What a truly horrible thing to say, to anyone, least of all your wife and in front of your children, not acceptable, never, no, nada, get rid is my best advice.

Attila, honestly not a lot at the moment. It feels like upset and hurt. The children are exactly the reason why I feel its time to leave, can't have them growing up thinking this is ok.

As for friends I have just always let relationships dwindle to dedicate my time and attention to him. Stupid I know.

Hope you're ok OP.

I am in the process of leaving my DH, not that he knows it. He's acted unforgivably towards me since the birth of our DS. I read on here that abusers show that true colours when you just get married or have a DC.

In their mind it's because we are trapped with them & therefore give them carte Blanche to treat us awfully. I am not trapped, I never will be trapped. I am strong.

You're not trapped OP & you never will be. You're strong.

First things first. You are only 6 weeks postnatal. Now is not the time for being able to actually act on any of this. Right now you need to give yourself permission to just focus on recovering from the birth and looking after your children.

Secondly, it is very risky for you to be a SAHM and unmarried. You need to keep your head down, try and emotionally distance yourself from dp and go through the motions until you are recovered from the birth.

Long term you need to investigate splitting up and how that would work, think about the possibility of going back to work, any retraining etc, where you would live, what benefits you would get, CM etc

But please just leave that thinking until later. Just try and focus on you and the kids right now, try and give yourself a gift every week even if it is just having a bath or shower in peace.