Well this is new

[cloudchasing]

Sex with dp has been a bit infrequent over the last couple of years. Well, once a month-ish, which I think is a bit low.

I bit the bullet the other night and just had it out. Obviously he got defensive, I can't blame him for that.

He admitted that sex isn't really on his radar much of late, he loves it when we do it, which I know is true. He always wants me to initiate, which is a bit shit, sometimes I just want to be ravished!

He's just not really interested, and it's really upset me.

It's never been rip each others clothes off sex, but it's always been brilliant. I'm in my 40's, and he's the first man I've orgasmed with.

I just feel... rejected, and unattractive. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm making it a 'thing' It's a big part of a relationship, and I thought it was the same for him.

I just don't know how to move forward.

Well you've got two choices in moving forward.

You find a sex buddy and your DP agrees to a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement. As sex is unimportant to him, he shouldn't be bothered by this. You can agree to maybe a monthly shag with him seeing as that's how often he wants it.

Or, you split up. You find someone else who has a "normal" libido and will find you sexually attractive and want to have sex with you roughly the same amount as you want to have sex with him.

A good friend of mine had similar problems (although exacerbated by physical health problems with her DH.) After a couple of years of talking, compromising, negotiating and more talking, they are happily making option A work.

It's not always necessarily an issue of incompatibility, LTB, it will never get better. In fact, according to some sex therapists' research, it's MORE often an issue of differing priority. This is not at all like the issue of living with an abuser who will never change. This can be fixed, to the satisfaction and happiness of both parties!! But you cannot go on like this. it's a soul crushing, horrible way to live.

I was in the same boat as you not too very long ago, to the point I was considering my options: start an affair (or see a bloody prostitute!!! yes I absolutely thought of it), end an otherwise blissful marriage and start all over, or get it bloody sorted.

In what I thought was my final desperate attempt to salvage, I came across a therapist online who talks and writes about this specific issue. Just watching a couple of videos and reading her book (which was a bit of a nightmare to sneak into the house and read) was enough for me to start a conversation with him that ACTUALLY WORKED. We've never been happier and sex has never been better - in our 40s.

And we actually worked it out just through talking, but you have to go into the conversation armed with more information AND (this is the very difficult part) prepared to not place blame, get defensive, or get angry.

It's also unbelievable how often this issue happens to men (damn near 50/50) - it's not ED, just being the one who doesn't want sex. If there's just ONE instance of you wanting it when he doesn't (especially as he gets up there in years), that really messes with his mind and can cause him to withdraw completely, for reasons we women just can't fathom, even though he still loves and wants you as well.

I cannot recommend this woman enough:

(this video made me CRY a LOT) sexstarvedwife.com/ divorcebusting.com/ www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Starved-Wife-What-When-Desire/dp/0743266277/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1504727670&sr=8-1&keywords=weiner-davis+sex+wife&tag=mumsnetforum-21

And I promise it's not some scam, it's not some "program", it's not some mad brainwashing scheme. It's just a licenced counsellor and therapist with decades of experience working with, writing about, and helping couples solve EXACTLY THIS ISSUE. She's really wonderful, and she absolutely saved my marriage, without even contacting her.