DM and her constant lies

[velvetcake]

I'm at a bit of a loss with what to do with my DM. We've never really gotten on well as I've wanted to. I have always been disappointed with our relationship. She's very controlling and judgemental, the relationship became ten times worse when I was a teen.
She's always told lies, misconstrued conversations or tried to create drama, which is my main issue with her.

I recently called her out on the most recent bold face lie she told and it was turned on me yet again. "Why are you always so confrontational" "why do you always have to start and pick on me" I find it so insulting that she lies, sometimes it's little stupid lies and other times they are pretty major.
I don't know what posting will achieve but I'm just really sad that I don't trust my mum and hoping someone will have advice on why she might be lying and what I can do to help the situation?
Friends of mine have mums that are like best friends to them, they are really supportive and helpful with their dc. I'm so sad that I don't have that.

I'm really sorry your relationship with your mother is so difficult. Sadly, aside from keeping your distance as much as possible, there is nothing you can do to change her. She has been this way her entire life and will remain this way until she dies. She could have narcissistic tendencies, she might be a pathological liar, but regardless of what her actual issue is, you certainly can't do anything to change her. Maybe if she went to therapy she could gain some self-awareness, but I seriously doubt she would go because as you've written, she blames her behaviour on everyone else and never takes responsibility. My advice is to distance yourself from her and focus on your own life.

Honestly I think you just need to separate yourself from her, whether that is by going NC, LC or reaching a place where you are emotionally distant.

Posting about it is a good idea but the thing I thought 'what are you trying to achieve?' About was the challenging her about her lies and the trying to work out (and probably attempt to fix) why she does it.

You're half way there. You know she lies. You can't fix her, this behaviour is very ingrained now, you don't need to explain it or challenge it or try to fix it. You simply need to accept that this is how she is and adjust your life according to that information.

I’m NC with my DM for very similar reasons. It wasn’t a instant thing but after years and years of growing tired of her bullshit it seemed the best option. And it really was.

People like that don’t change. I understand how you feel but she won’t stop behaving how she does. All you can do is distance yourself from it.

Also I understand the anger/sadness about not having a ‘nice’ mum. I spent so long being angry and resentful that I didn’t have a normal mother or a close relationship.

Now I just focus on making sure my children don’t live how I have.

You need to give up trying to change it and change how you react

Is this your mum? https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/8-Signs-You-May-Have-a-Codependent-Parent

It is mine. I read it this week and it blew my mind. I always knew things weren't quite right, but found it so hard to explain. This does it perfectly.

for you.

Thank you all for your helpful replies. I definitely am going to start working on a more distant relationship. I can't bear the constant stress of wondering what bullshit she's going to come out with next.

@Lemond1fficult thank you for the link... I'm in shock. That's literally how my parents behave. It's so strange. My Dads constant method of control is to bring up something that kicked off my anxiety. (Lovely I know ) My grandad died suddenly of a heart attack, we were very close. My Dad is fully aware that I had awful anxiety as a child that he too would die of a heart attack and if I ever challenge something he says and don't do as I'm told even now, he will start getting more aggressive and then start panting saying he has chest pains. It's so fucked up.
My DH has recently told me very bluntly, it's bullshit and if he had that many pains he would have seen a doctor by now. He's right because the last time he tried having the 'chest pains' again and I didn't buy it he quickly forgot about them. God it's so fucked up.
In fairness both of their parents were extremely old fashioned and controlling so maybe their behaviour stems from that?! Who knows!

@Lemond1fficult forgot to say for you too.

I wish nothing but the best of luck to you. I don't know if you've ever considered it, but I truly believe that you could benefit greatly from therapy with a qualified professional. You very rightly so have a tremendous amount of pain to contend with, and I would hate to think that this unaddressed hurt could damage your future. None of this is your fault, but that doesn't mean you aren't paying the price for it.

@velvetcake Thank you.

I second what @Aquamarine1029 says - get therapy, if you possibly can. I've just had my 7th session, and I don't think I'd have seen my mum's behaviour as abnormal (and gone looking for that article) without being honest with my therapist, and having her explain how out of the ordinary that is. How can you, when it's all you've ever known?

Other useful articles:
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/eftforpeace.wordpress.com/2016/09/09/enmeshed-parenting-the-codependent-parent/amp/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/04/what-causes-codependency/

You may also want to search BPD and NPD (borderline and narcissistic personality disorders).

And if you need more support, come on over to the Stately Homes forum. There are people there at all stages of renegotiating their relationships with their abusive families. (And yes, what you're experiencing IS abuse).