Argggh I just want him to do me!

[Itching]

OK.
DP is late 30s.
His Dad died 6 months ago.
To make it worse, he had a long and very aggressive illness caused by his employer. So DP was his carer and also ended up in a legal battle after his dad passed.
DP has also only just managed to claw his way out of the financial shit. I mean bailiffs coming to the house style financial shit.
He just set up as self employed and is doig really well but working long hours.
He is also still grieving and supporting his mum and sisters through their grieving.

Rationally I know all this. I have been 100% emotionally supportive and also financially. But he's always knackered and our sex life has gone to shit. It depresses me and makes me feel unwanted.

Please tell me to get a freaking grip. I need to be told! I feel so fucking selfish. But I also feel like a young woman who wants to feel like she's wanted. Right now I feel like a combination of best friend/mother/psychologist. He never lays any of his troubles on me but it seems he just wants to come home and retreat from the world qhen hes with me. I understand but I also feel....old.

It's a horrible time OP for all of you.
And if it will make you feel better.. 'GET A FUCKING GRIP'
But really, we all still have wants and needs.
You are perfectly entitled to feel as you do.
As does your DH who is grieving and has been through a lot these past months.
Give him a bit more time.
Get to the gym to work out your frustrations and get yourself a good vibrator. Not the same but it might help for the interim.

Thanks HellsBells! I just waver between thinking this is a phase because of so many troubles but then switching to "is this going to be what its like....FOREVER?"

Obviously theres no way in hell I'm bringing this up with him, hence my MN splurge

It's not going to be your life forever, give DH time to come to terms with what has happened. It is just a phase and normal service will resume eventually. Just be there for him, be tactile, lots of hugging, a massage when he comes home from work - you never know where it may lead. Get yourself out of best friend/mother/psychologist mode, and back into sexy young wife mode.

Sorry but please don't massage him in the hopes of getting sex. The poor man must be feeling rotten, love him, support him, give him time.

Wank yourself stupid in the shower and keep reminding yourself this is nothing to do with you. You're still young and sexy - he will do you again. Just let it be for now

How long have you been with him? Please say two years.

OP I am 50 and currently on medication to cope with stress relating to my DD's life threatening illness. I have a loving partner and we have always had a very healthy sex life.

The side effects of the meds and stress has reduced my sexual desire to zero. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and I am amazed that there isn't even a flicker of desire.

I can relate to how your DH feels and I never thought I would be in this position. My partner is very understanding but not having a sex life is making us distant. I am pretty much responsible for the distancing as I avoid him in case he gets aroused. It's awful and I don't know what to do. He does reassure me but the problem isn't going away yet.

I can imagine how your DH feels and you feel the same way my partner does. I am constantly thinking about DD. Her being in hospital for so long has taken a big toll on my pretty tight finances. The worry about finances is further killing my desire.

I am hoping the medication I am on settles down and things return to normal. I understand your post fully from the other side.

I can't really say anything helpful but I just thought seeing it from the other side might help you realise that it is likely that he is internalising massive worries and stress and this can have a big impact on libido. I hope I haven't upset you in any way. This must be a very difficult time for you too.

I think you SHOULD initiate physical contact and see where it leads. Perhaps some full body massages. Spoil him a bit and maybe his spark will come back. So long as you're respectful if he does say he's not in the mood for sex, I see no harm in trying. Even if the touching doesn't lead to sex, it is still good for both of you to maintain a certain level of physical contact. Your poor husband is exhausted and stressed, but sex would actually be good for his mental well-being. Hopefully, you can gently help things along! Just make sure you don't get pouty or obviously annoyed with him - that won't help anything.

Do you live together? The length of your relationship will influence some replies as well OP.

EmeraldIsle thank you so much for sharing your story, hang in there love!

I'm torn re initiating or not. We do still have sex it's just that its more like once a week now and feels kind of....weird. i don't know why. It doesnt feel hungry, it feels like im just fulfilling one of his basic needs when I want it to be like an all consuming rush of desire.

Yes, I am a demanding bitch. But im also giving! 😂 I had already kinda playfully suggested a massage to him but he said yeah without any great enthusiasm. We are very affectionate and tactile. I dont want to lead him into anything sexual tbh. I want it to come from him. But your messages so far have made me feel quite positive so thank you 😊

We've been together a year which is why I'm not as sure of myself. If it had been longer i could rationalise. I arrived on the scene when his dad started seriously fading. Sex was good the first 6 months. It was after the passing that it deteriorated, very understandably. I guess the only reason i feel insecure is because the relationship is fairly ypung...

We dont live together but we may as well do (6 nights a week)

I will hang in there LOL and thanks!

I feel like a massive twat, I threw a massive wobbly about it last night 😣😣😣😣

Plus I have form for this.

Its just been a hard few months, obviously moreso for him but obviously it also affects our relationship. I try to handle myself but sometimes I just burst and throw a strop/wobbly. I feel awful. Hes such a good guy. I struggle to find the balance between letting him build himself back up and feeling like i have needs that need to be met 😣 I love him so much!

Why don't you treat him to a night away. Just spending one to one time together and giving him a break might help. I,wouldn't try to have full on sex, maybe , flirting, teasing and take it slowly with him.

Why don't you initiate it OP?

I do feel you, that lack of sex would make most people walk after 10 years, let alone 1.

Your wobbly is probably months of frustration boiling over. Big hugs