Ex Dh porn addiction back

[thistoosha11pass]

Mid divorce but still living together not through my choice. Many many issues that have led us to this point, the main one being porn addiction. At the worst of it, online relationships with sex workers, hundreds of pounds spent, camming, adult friend finder, extra-marital dating sites,phone lines etc.
I have just seen on his bank statement that he has spent £75 on his mobile phone this month, it's usually £20. I have challenged him and he is definitely using sex phone lines.

He is refusing to move out but I'm not sure if I need to tell my solicitor about this? I am worried about my kids walking in on him, the cost and the escalation. But if I talk to my solicitor it could get really nasty. If he was in his own home I wouldn't mind so much as he would have plenty of "alone" time to wank his heart out! BOAK

not sure what I'm asking really.

I feel your pain and can recommend a facebook group for support (its a private group) XXXposed Hearts

I've sort of been there myself. The porn and sex addiction (not the divorce).
It's all consuming and can get very expensive and dangerous to your health in many ways.
I've stopped it now and feel far more positive in many areas of my life. I never realised how I was been drawn in but that's an addiction for you.

I guess if you are mid divorce then this will all be over soon.

If you mention the possibility of your kids walking in on him or being exposed to adult material to your solicitor then something may happen quickly. At the very least you could activate child friendly internet filters on your broadband if you know how and have access. Or at least insist that he does it out of the house while the divorce is going through?

Thank you.
It is an emotive issue for me as I was rejected for porn, that was the beginning of the end.

Yes, I will ask him to do it elsewhere

I think it's a really big issue in the world we now live in. My porn habit was (I thought) just a harmless little guilty secret.
In hindsight, it destroyed one very good relationship and has almost destroyed another.

Unfortunately you are just one of many, many victims of it. A great percentage of daily internet traffic is porn related. I can only see the problem getting worse really.
There is however a growing group of men who have been there, realised the problem and are now focused on change and improvement.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but I don't understand why you're allowing it to still be a problem.

As long as you're still receiving everything you should be, and he's not breaking any law, there is nothing wrong with him spending £20, £70 or even £500 on his phone bill watching porn or doing whatever it is he does! You can't stop him from doing that.

Yes there is a risk of your children walking in but there was also the risk of your children walking in on you two having sex.

By no means am I saying what he's doing is right. But what he's doing isn't illegal, and technically speaking he's not doing anything wrong and you can't stop him from doing it. I understand it was a problem in your marriage, but you're not together anymore, so you can't really dictate how he spends his phone bill and what he watches online.

Also, him not moving out is not an issue that can be solved. Again, he isn't doing anything wrong. It's his own home, he doesn't HAVE to move out. You can't make him.

I don't understand why you're checking his bank statements?
You've SPLIT UP. You shouldn't have been checking his in the first place, you certainly shouldn't be doing it now.

I wouldn't want to be married to him either. But you have no right to be checking his bank statements. Imagine if he was checking yours. You're invading his privacy, and I'm sure his soliciter will have more to say on that than yours will on him having a wank.

Again, I'm not sticking up for him and I think you're well shot of him, I'm just pointing out that realistically he's not doing anything he can't do.

Raspberry you are right, I know. It's all got a bit twisted here right now, it's been 5 months and he won't go. I feel it's healthy to move on but if I was the one to move I would have to take my 3 dc and I don't want to move or unsettle them.

It just adds insult to injury when he wouldn't contribute to a new washing machine when it broke but can spunk £50. Literally. I had to ask for money for school shoes about 6 times. His priorities are all wrong imo

I think that's a harsh response from sparklingraspberry he is doing something wrong, he has betrayed you and continues to do so, if he wants to carry on oblivious to your feelings he needs to move out.. its no wonder your checking up on his accounts, its completely understandable, concentrate on getting him out so you can move on.

Def check out the Facebook group OP it's people going through the same thing and can give you good advice, sadly people don't understand the difference between watching porn and a porn addiction and the hurt it can cause.

Yes agreed life, he is now relapsing, it's like an alcoholic going back to drink. He can't watch a bit if porn, it snowballs. That's my concern really, I don't want him under my roof phoning those lines, it makes me very uncomfortable.

Aparantly it releases the same amount of chemicals in the brain as Heroin does, extremely difficult to stop and it gets worse as a regular porn fix doesn't cut it and the addict will look for darker avenues to go down.. I am in the middle of this with my husband and it's truly heart breaking, you have my sympathies xx

He's leaving his kids without shoes and the house without a washing machine to spend money on sex chatlines?

I think you should speak to your solicitor ASAP TBH and get a proper separation moving.

@LifeinColour
"its no wonder your checking up on his accounts, its completely understandable"

No, it really is not understandable and is morally wrong.

They have split up. OP has already made her decision that she can't continue a relationship with him because of his masturbation habits. She's walked away.

To continue to police his masturbation after separation is totally wrong.

Can you imagine if OP posted "I split up with my ex 3 months ago and I've just found out he's been accessing my bank statements and today he confronted me about spending £5 per day in Costa and says he's not prepared to pay CMS any more because I obviously don't need it"?

Once you've separated, that's it.

OP I do sympathise, but ex partners doing various icky things while you're still sharing a house is just something you have to grit your teeth and get over. He would be perfectly within his legal rights to book an escort for an outcall, or to go out on the pull and bring his ONS home. (He'd be a shit, but he'd be legally sound.)

However, sort the money situation out asap. He sounds unreliable so an attachment of earnings is probably your best bet.

No, it really is not understandable and is morally wrong.

But it's OK to spend money on porn etc when his kids need new shoes and the washing machine is broken??
If he can't get his priorities right he needs a kick up the arse and if this means keeping an eye on his monetary situation, I think OP is morally justified in doing so.

Notthefordtype Are you really comparing a sexual addiction to coffee??!!

Yes she is but then she is a sex worker so she may view it differently.

^ hmm, as in 'the more men with dodgy sexual habits/values the better = more income for sex workers'?

Document that you have had to beg him for money for shoes for his kids etc in an email to your solicitor.

When financial papers are exchanged and he declares his outgoings it will help if you can point out porn isn't a necessary expense. If he wants to live on baked beans to finance his porn habit, fine. He doesn't get to make his kids go barefoot with dirty clothes.