Trying to retain 50.50 parenting after split

[Terrifiedandregretful]

OK, I'm prepared for you all to think I'm a complete nutcase but here goes:

I moved out from the flat DP and I shared 18 months ago when DD just turned 2, but our lives are still very intertwined and it's becoming an issue as we can't move on and feel like we're in limbo. Part of the issue is how to split care of DD so she retains a strong relationship with both of us. At the moment she does Monday to Friday eve with me, then Friday night to Monday morning with DP, although on Sundays we usually all do something together and I stay the night at DPs, so I can take her to the CMS in the morning (which DP can't do as it is near my work and would add 2 hours to his commute). We live 40 mins drive/1 hour train away from each other. So, all very amicable and DD is very settled and happy but not sure how sustainable it is for us.

I work 4 days a week (currently) so Friday is my 'quality time' with her, I am terrified of when she goes to school and we lose this time (although I am off in school holidays so will have that). If we stick with weeks with me and weekends with him will I feel like DP gets all the 'fun' and I get all the workaday stuff? But then I'd hate for him to only have her 1 day a weekend or one weekend a fortnight, it just seems too little to maintain a strong relationship.

Ideally we would live on the same street and both be around weeks and weekends but commutes and house prices mean we haven't found a workable way of doing that.

I know I want to make an omelette without breaking eggs. Just wondering if anyone else has managed to split and manage care in a way that works for the DCs and maintains strong relationships with all parties. Or is my only realistic way of achieving this to move back in with him? (this is something I've considered, and DP wants (probably more so he can live with DD full time rather than because of love for me). We get on really well, just are friends rather than lovers). Pressing decision now as we have to decide where DD will go to school in September.

I realise I sound like a complete idiot. I just want DD to be properly close to both of us and not have one main parent and one secondary one.

Well you have another year of it ok
Arrange a chat review now with your child out of way if you think you are going to row
Go though what is working now and what you want to change .
Then you will have school
Why not have review every Sept. Work out the holiday and such .
if you are off school holiday you could have most time then.

Don't get too hung up on equal time being the only way for your child to be properly close to you both. I think that is best created through regular time together - but doesn't have to be 50/50.

We have a fairly flexible arrangement because of my work shifts. She goes to her father every Thursday from school, Tue-Fri every third week, and about 1 weekend in 5. And then maybe 3 solid weeks oh holidays per year. So she's with me quite a few more nights and weekend leisure time. But I think she'd probably tell you it's 50/50! In her eyes, we're equally important and she has a day to day relationship with us both. I'm not suggesting those days for you, just wanted to reassure you that you can have less nights but still not be an every other weekend parent to them!

IMO how close the child is to each of you has much more to do with the quality of the relationship not the quantity of time.

I think if you are both equally invested in having a good quality of relationship with her then when she starts school (if you are living and working in the same places/patterns) then you will probably be best to do every other weekend and share the school holidays as the ability for each of you to invest in quality time with her needs to fit around your respective jobs.

There is very little point in trying to force a continuation of exactly split time if it is not practical otherwise you will all be stressed which will then have an adverse effect on both of your ability to spend quality time with DD.

Thanks everyone. You've been really reassuring. I think it's all mushed up in mind because as well as these concerns I'm scared I won't cope long term without him, so possibly looking for excuses to go back.

Oops this is op on a different log on, not sure how I managed that!

I completely get where you are coming from OP. I think doing all the weekdays and never getting any down time together would have a detrimental effect on your relationship with DD.

I also think EOW does not make for the best possible relationship with DD/her dad either.

But I can't see how the practicalities work while you live 40mins to an hour apart. I'm assuming from what you describe he can't collect or drop DD off at school at all in current situation.

Sorry that sounds so negative, but I get your concerns. Can you think how you could set things up differently long term? - even if it takes a year or two to make changes? Different working hours, someone moves etc.