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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Dad dementia and my twisted sister

25 replies

Blossomflowers · 06/09/2017 14:36

So my dad has dementia, he has not long been out of hospital where he was held under DOLS for his own safety. I was hoping he was going to get a place in a home this time but due to his drinking and smoking seems this is not an easy thing. So he was sent home and gets 2 visits a day from care workers, who rarely manage to see him as he lives in the pub. He has no money now as her draws cash out each day, so by Wend it is all gone so he will have no food in the fridge. I have fallen out with my sister who took a £1000 of him in April this year and I demanded she pay it back. I felt her that and her husband who both work full time were taking advantage of a vunerable man, she has blocked me now and have to communicate through her vile husband My dad has no concept about money any more. I am regularly talking to the SW but things don't seem to be happening. My sister is not not bothering with Dad. She lives 5 mins from him and has been a carer for her kids ( not now obviously). I am appalled she can wash her hands of him when he has done so much to help her and her family over the years. So I live over and hour away and do my best but work full time so it is tricky. I have just tried telephone and phone as now been but off. Any thoughts on how to manage things, am going a bit nuts and feel totally helpless.

OP posts:

mumontherun14 · 06/09/2017 17:39

Hi. I don't have loads of advice but am in a slighlty similar situation except it's my mum and me and my sister are always falling about about what is best for her. Only thing I was thinking is - Do you have Power of Attorney? If you do and probably even if you don't you can speak to your GP (is it your dads too?) and raise your concerns and see if the SW would assess as to whether or not he is fit and safe to stay in the house by himself. We have the Power of Attorney and my GP (who is also my mums) has been a good help and spoken to me a lot about how best to get help. My mum is early stages and my dad is there to look after her so its a different situation. I really feel for you as its a shitty time and even worse when the 2 of you are at odds with each other. Do you think you could sit down even just to work out a practical plan to cover visits during the week? I have tried this with my sister and I know its not easy but it might be an idea to try xxxx

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 06/09/2017 17:49

Thanks mumonthe My sister is beyond reason she is selfish and obsessed. I am very angry that she took advantage. My dad spends all his money on booze and fags but denies he smokes or drinks very much, he does not remember my mum, they were married for 35 years, his memory lasts about 10 minutes. He forgets to eat, not capable of paying bills. POA , well I have access to his online banking, no property to worry about as in rented. I have been talking to SW alot and there is another assesment taking place on the 20th, so will see.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 06/09/2017 17:59

You need POA but I'm not sure whether it's possible given his current state. But you should talk to him. POA covers not just his finances etc but can also cover decisions about his long term health decisions.

I would worry about the latter more at the moment.

Taylor22 · 06/09/2017 18:07

Is his drinking habit new?

MatildaTheCat · 06/09/2017 18:52

Speak to AgeUK about possible financial abuse,they are very experienced in dealing with this. And agree re POA.

Sorry, it sounds really hard.

Twitchingdog · 06/09/2017 19:32

Why on earth did you let come from hospital ?
Go to pub give them your number and get them to ring if they spot a change in his behaviour ?

gingeristhenewblack43 · 06/09/2017 19:39

If you can't get POA, which is unlikely due to his dementia (although capacity can fluctuate), could his finances be managed by Court of Protection via your local authority in order to safeguard him from financial abuse? His SW will be able to process this.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 07/09/2017 12:36

Thanks for the replies, Re his drinking he has always liked drink, he is convinced he is only having 1/2 a day, Twitch I have been to the pub and spoken with landlady who is lovely, she confirmed that he was having 8 /9 pints a day and normally stays all day, she is feeding a meal too as we have a little deal going one. She has my number so can call me if she is worried. It is hard, ao now can't even call for a chat. There is a review on the 20th so will muddle through until then.

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Taylor22 · 07/09/2017 12:38

If he's always liked a drink what type of father was he to your sister?

If he wasn't a good and present father then he can't expect to have a supportive daughter. You reap what you sow

Twitchingdog · 07/09/2017 14:10

Glad you have arrangement going on with pub . Please keep this up . Very good idea .

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 07/09/2017 17:45

Taylor My sister has had my dad as an unpaid child minder for the past 8 years, he has always been there for her and her family, all 5 of them. She has been able to take degrees and changed jobs many times as he was there to support him. He has given her money, taken her kids on holiday. So as far as him taking a drink does not equate him to being a bad father and quite franking to not like your judgy attitude. Also this she has repaid by taking his last grand and now too busy to bother with him. Guess he serves no purpose now. She should be ashamed. My dad has dementia but is still hurt by her attitude

OP posts:

idontwannaneedthem · 07/09/2017 17:48

Focus less on your resentment and bitterness of your sister and get your father some proper help

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 07/09/2017 18:08

Again idon if you read the thread properly and clue is in the title, since leaving hospital I have done everything possible to try and make my dad life bearable. Some great developments this week. My sister needs to pay back the money she took, as far as I am concerned I have no relationship with her. It is shame she has chosen to shun him when he needs her help and support, I actually think she owes him that.

OP posts:

idontwannaneedthem · 07/09/2017 18:14

Regardless of what you think, it's up to her to give as much or as little to your father as she chooses. What are you going to gain from resenting her?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 08/09/2017 11:17

idon your contribution to this thread are useless. I am entitled to be as angry as I like with my sister, I am entitled to tell her to give back the money she took it was not hers to take or her bloody inheritance, he is not dead yet. I posted this as I hope other people may have experience of dealing with Dementia and how to cope with it all.

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idontwannaneedthem · 08/09/2017 13:04

Ok.. hopefully being bitter solves your fathers problems.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 08/09/2017 13:21

I can assure I am not the slightest bit bitter. I am the only one in my family doing anything to solve the problem. I sound rather silly and would ask you not to post on my thread as you are of no help and making comments that are just to irritate. Are you my sister lol ?

OP posts:

DellaPorter · 08/09/2017 13:24

I have reported those nasty messages from idon

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 09/09/2017 11:33

Thanks Della she is just a saddo. So went to see Dad yesterday found him on the way to the pub, dishevelles, tooth missing, I think he has had another fall but will not admit. Took him to the pub ans land lady said he had already been there this morning and been causing trouble as they would not serve him more beer. I have his tab of 138 to pay. This going to end in tears. I bought him shopping quick tidy of flat but he hates me doing this. Was very sad last night leaving him there. Just don't know what to do for now. Am hoping after he has formal diagnosis on the 20th we can try to get him into sheltered housing.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 09/09/2017 11:40

Sheltered housing with a sense of community and a warden to keep an eye definitely sounds like a good plan. Has a doctor assessed his capability to sign a POA? This might become important later (health and finance)

Is he in rented/social housing or does he own his own place? This makes a massive difference in terms of access to sheltered accommodation.

Phone the local council, hopefully yours is as helpful as mine. But I couldn't get mine in sheltered.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 11/09/2017 10:22

jeaux Sheltered sounds ideal but it id going to be tough to get him a place. Currently in rented. I have to wait until the 20th before I can do anything

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/09/2017 10:27

Sounds beyond sheltered accommodation tbh. I hope the assessment goes well.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 11/09/2017 10:34

Random SW and his nurse both feel at this stage home would be not the best place for him.

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joangray38 · 11/09/2017 10:38

I don't think he is suitable me for sheltered accommodation. - you have to be able to look after yourself, my gran had a stroke and had to prove she was capable of looking after herself before they would let her back in , and there are sometimes huge waiting lists. I expect you've already done it but try age uk and cab about protecting and reclaiming his money from your sister and look into protecting him in the future.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 11/09/2017 10:49

joan there is probably the CAB could do about the money my sister took, as I guess it could be argued he gave it freely. Morally she is wrong as he clearly now has no concept of money and poor as a church mouse and has 150 to live on a week.

OP posts:

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