Isolated and In Limbo

[Treemonkey76]

Hi,
My two dc's have returned to preschool/school today and I am feeling utterly lost. Many people look forward to a bit of 'me' time which I'm sure I will again once I adjust but it feels really strange because my children aren't here with me. I am pleased that they are mixing once again with children of their own age, elder dc starts a new school today and I am excited for her.
My life seems to have become more complicated recently. I applied for a part-time job (sahm for nearly four years) a couple of months ago. It took a lot of courage and I got shortlisted - apparently was runner up to getting the post but didn't get it. Then it turns out that I am pregnant - after experiencing secondary infertility and being diagnosed with entering early menopause etc! It wasn't planned because it wasn't expected going by my diagnosis. I am an older lady and have had a late mc which was devastating and haven't been able to bring myself to tell anyone (because it is too early and I haven't had 12 week scan - I am nearly eleven weeks if all is well)

My life has been blown of course again - applying for jobs etc, coming to terms with infertility etc, etc and now I feel completely out of it - riddled with anxiety about what might or might not be and feeling unable to tell anyone. Because I am older most of my friends have older children (age 7+), my youngest is nearly 4 and most of my so called friends have abandoned us this summer hols because I believe a lot of the activities they participated in weren't suitable for my young DC, so once again feeling isolated/ostracized. I have been struggling with nausea etc over these past few weeks and have been feeling terrible and I have not felt particularly sociable. It seems its the same old adage - you have got to make an effort or people don't seem to bother with you but all I have wanted to do (and for good reason) is to hide away.
I have a hobby which is engrossing but there again isolating and usually I do O.K (with a few coffee mornings thrown in for good measure). I just feel out of the loop, I am being secretive but I need to be - my late mc was very public and I live in a village where news circulates, besides which I want my elder dd to be one of the first to know and I am delaying telling her because of the distress caused last time with the late mc.
On top of all of this I am (even) more irritable than usual which doesn't help - perhaps it is because I am feeling stressed about not getting a good outcome with this pregnancy etc.
Just feel like the world is passing me by, job hunting has obviously halted for the time being and I am living in limbo (and spending a lot of time on mumsnet for company!). Just having a grumble really because I feel all mixed up and just a tad lonely.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your hormones are all over the place, morning sickness is just horrible, especially when your extra tired looking after older kids and it's perfectly normal to feel like an emotional wreck right now. I was 42 when i found out i was expecting dc3, our bonus baby, and went into a panic when i found out i was pregnant. Fortunately dp was his usual level headed self and calmed me down and took over childcare anr housework as much as possible while i continually threw up for four months.

Unfortunately i do think we all get wrapped up in our own lives and pp don't always seem interested, but to be fair nobody knows you're expecting yet and I'm sure they'll be more supportive when they realise.

It must be horrible worrying about your previous pregnancy but please speak to your midwife and don't be afraid to tell her if you need extra mh support.

Thanks Brahms, that's really kind of you to reply and feels comforting x Yes, it is difficult to expect people to be supportive when they don't even know! DH has been wonderful these past couple of months working full time and covering most of the housework/childcare so very lucky there and it has been a guilt ridden exercise trying to entertain the dc's over the Summer hols - I am usually dragging them here, there and everywhere and I am glad they now have a bit more stimulus returning to school/pre-school.
I have spoken to the midwife about my previous loss but unless I arrange counselling myself there doesn't seem a lot anyone can do as all the reassurance in the world isn't going to predict the outcome.
I think the worse thing at the moment will be waiting for test results as to whether the baby is healthy or not - that feels like the next hoop to jump through and mine and dh combined ages do not weigh in our favour. I feel pretty o.k/healthy in myself but know that counts for nothing.
Part of the difficulty is trying to remain detached (although your body doesn't allow you to do so with all the symptoms) and I am not sure which map I will be following will this go right or will this go wrong? It sort of sets you on a certain course when you find out that you're pregnant doesn't it. It isn't like me but I am wishing time away at the moment!

I don't have personal experience of mc fortunately but had quite a lot of bleeding during my first two pregnancies, particularly the first. My gp was so lovely and reassuring, arranged emergency scans and told me that feeling sick is a really good sign for a healthy pregnancy. I found it really helpful to not only stop me convincing myself i was losing the baby, but actually appreciating the nausea to a degree.

I'm really glad to hear your lovely dh is supporting you as much as possible. It feels terrible seeing them working round the clock but absolutely necessary for our well-being. I couldn't have coped without mine during the last one and it's brought us much closer. We work much better as a team since having number three.

If you're feeling lonely pm me, I'd be more than happy to waffle inane bollocks, which is all I'm good for most of the time.

Time seems to go so slowly during pregnancy doesn't it? Particularly the first trimester.

Oh Brahms, that's really kind and I have a lump in my throat now from your having been so sweet the generosity of complete strangers is astounding sometimes and your friends are really lucky to have you!

Not much I can do but to hold in there. I think the loneliness is more of an internal thing fuelled by anxiety and going through pregnancy after loss, will take a look at a few of the Sands forums too, I think and connect with others on there - thank goodness for the on-line forums -it makes me feel so much less isolated when people in rl seem so busy, times have changed I guess.

Really no problem at all, very happy to help.