is this normal?

[Sadmumxthree]

I've been married 20 years, husband quite a bit older than me. i had a bit of a traumatic childhood, abuse and violence prevalent at home until I left. I always suffered from anxiety/depression but was taking meds for these the last three years. I came off them recently by myself and find myself unable to tolerate the behaviour of my spouse. He was always quite selfish and unemotional but now i think its worse. He doesn't eat with me and the children but sits separately in a different room. watches TV all night. I work so only see him at night. he doesn't speak unless I speak to him, which I did all the time for years but now I just don't want to anymore because i feel angry as i don't think this is right. If he does speak its usually to complain about something I've done or haven't done. i don't think it's normal to walk into a room in silence make a cup of tea and walk out all in silence. He doesn't really engage with the kids much, only one of which is still at school but the others still live at home. We have separate accounts. He was always a bit controlling over sex like he would refuse if he was angry with me and to be honest it was always me who initiated it, I've stopped now so it has stopped too. I don't feel like this is a marriage as we don't share anything at all except living space, I feel quite lonely at times. I feel like he isn't happy either but doesn't want to be the one to make the break so he can look like the good guy? He's very into finance so I think if separating would leave him worse off he would stay rather than lose out financially. I feel like I'm a totally different person to who I was 20 years ago but I do think he has stayed much the same except he is less sociable. I used to be happier and more full of fun now every day is an effort pretending everything is OK. We have had rows in the past and I asked him to leave but he refused. That was a few years ago though. he makes me feel like i'm insignificant that i don't count for anything, he makes me feel small. I know i should take some responsibility because I accepted the behavior for years so do I have the right to complain about it now? i feel like all the big decisions in my life I've had to make alone, without support and sometimes I feel overburdened with responsibility. My older kids say things like You hate Dad which makes me feel awful if I complain about him so am I making too much of this?
Please help I feel I'm going mad. I know this post is all I, I feel but I can't speak for anyone else, don't mean to sound so selfish.

Not normal. Not a healthy relationship. I may give my DH a bit of frosty treatment when he's pissed me off but this sounds like perma-frost!

A few questions.What happens over Christmas ? What about birthdays ? Do you go out together socially? Do you look after each other ? Do you make decisions together ? For me these are general being an average couple things. If you don't experience/ share these then your not really a couple. Yes you have lived together for a long while but if have not being a couple in those ways then imo there is no point in staying under the same roof.

Namethecat over xmas I choose and buy everything, wrap it etc he usually gives me a bit of money to put in the kids cards and gives me a card with money in too. birthdays are the same. At christmas and birthdays he's nice for that one day which I find kinda annoying as he doesn't bother any other day so its like hes just pretending that day. we actually all sit in the same room on xmas eve and christmas day only time we ever do except birthdays when we remain in the same room while the kids open their presents. we never go out together at all, he doesn't do shopping, I buy groceries etc. we don't really make decisions together either he tends to try not to make decisions.

What on earth did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

And no you are not making too much of this at all. You do not have to accept this any more.

This individual must have seemed like a welcomed escape for you after your abusive childhood. Unfortunately, and that is an understatement, you went on to have a relationship and children with a man who is himself abusive. He targeted you. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship between two adults is like so you still do not know and this is certainly not it.

Your older children can and have certainly picked up on the fact that you hate him and probably as well wonder why on earth you have stayed. They could well ask you that question and if they did how would you answer?. What do you think they have and are learning about relationships here?. Your own past was abusive and that has itself done a lot of harm along with this man whom you are currently with.

Do not waste the next 20 or so years carrying cups of tea to him in another room and in silence; he can make his own tea. Such men like this always but always refuse to leave; these types also only care for their own self and just want someone, any old someone, to look after them.

Womens Aid are well worth talking to in your circumstances on 0808 2000 247. You ultimately do need to leave, find out who you really are and what you want from life and establish a life of your own without him it.

He hasn't left because he's not unhappy enough to. Whether that's because he would need to pay a housekeeper, or share more of his earnings if he was on his own - who knows?

He sounds like he has turned you into his mother - he's happy to have you keep house for him, wash, cook, clean etc... but he wants to spend his time alone. It's very sad for the kids, and quite unhealthy for them to be given this as an example of a relationship. Sorry, but this is not a marriage.

But just because you have put up with this nonsense in the past, does not mean you have to tolerate it for a second longer. So start getting yourself organised, find out what your rights are and, in short, LTB.

Atillathe Meerkat I don't hate him, I do think he's selfish and I know he puts himself first. When I was growing up my father was violent to all us kids and my mum, sexually abusive to me also. We walked on eggshells around him as the least tiny little thing could set him off. He was extremely violent, there were several times i thought he would kill my mum or me or siblings. my husband isn't like that, we've had horrible rows where we've both said horrible things but i'm sure loads of couples have done that. it's just i don't think I deserve to be treated the way he's treating me and I agree it's a terrible picture of marriage to be showing the kids. If my kids asked me why I wasnt happy in my marriage I think I would say it's because we are incompatible, I don't feel like we're friends, am I deluded though, am I asking too much?
I don't make his cups of tea, he makes his own cup and then leaves the room again. I do make his dinners, he sometimes eats them but sometimes he doesn't (he sits in a different room)
I
Thank you for responding it is helping me to clarify my thoughts a bit.

PlainJanine Because I work full time and he doesn't he washes and dries the clothes, I cook and he fills the dishwasher. He doesn't really do much else, sometimes at the weekends I try to do a bit more, I've lost interest in keeping the house nice though as it doesn't feel like a haven any more. He does want his time alone I agree, he doesn't want to be bothered my emotional interaction or by sex that's true too. I think you might be right that people only leave when they're unhappy enough to or sometimes when they have someone else to go to. when i tackled him about it a few years ago he said I was making something out of nothing, he said he didn't beat me or run with other women or drink and gamble. i know he doesn't do these things but I still don't think the way he goes on is normal.

Hi OP. I'm a man (not that it really matters or makes a difference, if you see what I mean), but I wanted to chip in to say just how abnormal and dysfunctional what you've described is. I can't imagine me and my wife having a relationship like this, let alone subjecting our children to it.

Your DH sounds like a very unpleasant man and you've normalised his behaviour. I guess partly because over a long period of time you've become used to it and partly because you've used the barometer of your terrible and sad childhood relationship with your own father to judge the quality of your own marriage.

I hope you and your children can get out. You don't have to live like this, you all deserve much better.

Pompodd thank you for replying, I was actually wondering what a man would think about it. I do think you're right about becoming used to the way things are as I used to try so hard when the kids were small to make things better but I really haven't tried much lately. I just accept as it's much easier and I don't think I care as much. It's really hard to paint a full picture in just a paragraph, I'm not perfect I get angry and really irritable (that's why I went on the meds) it's since I came off them that I'm thinking about things more and questioning things more. Should I say something to him? At the minute I'm not speaking unless I absolutely have to (that's what he does all the time but I just started this last couple of weeks)
I think he doesn't find me attractive anymore because i've put on weight recently too.

I'm sure lots of other posters will have advice about what to say to him and how to get the ball rolling.

I hear what you say about you not being perfect (no-one is!). It's sad, though, that your instinctive reaction is to blame yourself - you're irritable, you've put on weight, whatever.

It should simply be enough that you're not happy. I really do wish you luck.

pompodd thanks. I think its because i don't believe happiness is a right, my kids are healthy some people have terrible tragedies their kids are ill sometimes terminally. having healthy kids isn't a right either, it's like a lot of other things just a lottery. It's more than just being unhappy I think it's making me ill.

My dh and I have only been together just shy of 10 years, so not as long as you, but no, I don't think at any stage in a relationship that any of that sounds normal. Being in a marriage or a partnership is about being friends and companions more than anything. I wouldn't invite a friend over and not speak to them or sit in a different room from them and eat my dinner alone. So it's not normal in a relationship either, no matter how long you've been together. It sounds very much like you live separate lives. I think it's fine if you're happy with that, but it sounds like you aren't. You should be participating in each others lives, sharing time together, doing thing together and enjoying each others company. Now the question may be, does that matter? Are you fine costing along and keeping things as they are? Or do you want something different from life? It sounds like he is probably unlikely to change now that things have been this way so long and he isn't too bothered about it.

mindutopia No I'm definitely not happy with this. I feel I've turned into a person I really don't recognise. I'm angry quite a lot of the time as much with myself for allowing it to happen as with him. I'm particularly angry that I've brought my kids up in such an environment because of my past the most important thing to me was a safe, happy and peaceful home life for them. to be fair the relationship is at its worst now. I'm angry that I've let myself go so much that I'm fat and unattractive. Angry that I feel I gave the best years of my life to someone who didn't deserve them. Guilty that I've damaged the kids somehow. I'm a mess at the minute, feel like crying.

Then don't waste any more time! It seems like coming off the tablets has woken you up to his poor behaviour. Come on OP, he's sucked a lot of joy out of your life but there's some left! Do some exercise for you, get a haircut, do a make up tutorial, buy some new clothes - anything to improve your self-esteem - and lose the dead weight (him). You can do it

tallwivglasses I know I should be stronger but i'm afraid. I'm afraid of his anger when I tell him I want us to separate. I'm afraid of the reaction of his family to me. I'm especially afraid of the reaction from the children even though it's them I'm mostly doing this for. I'm afraid of how will manage on my own too. He says I'm mad in the head, I know him blaming me gets him off the hook but how do I know I'm not?

He's really done a number on you. Reading your last post, you are afraid of a lot of things, many of them to do with him. He says you're mad in the head - this is abusive and is called gaslighting. It's all part of the process of subduing you until you never dare question anything he says or does. If you don't stop him, he will convince you that you are the problem, that you are not thinking rationally, that he is tolerating your madness, even trying to support you despite you being mad. Eventually you won't know which way is up. There have been plenty of threads like that on here.

I would also question why the children are accusing you of hating their father, when it sounds like he hardly engages with them. What is he saying to them? Next time one of them says this to you, maybe ask why they think that? If he isn't the cause of that, and they have come to the idea that you hate him on their own, it would illustrate how unhealthy this relationship is.

Don't jump in straight away with "I want to separate", but start getting advice, start finding out what your rights are at least.