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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I work it out with my partner?

14 replies

hollieruffell · 05/09/2017 23:57

Under a week ago my partner pushed me by throat ans pushed me to the ground. it kind of came out of the blue. we were talking and seemed to be pushinh buttons when i told him he needs to b a better more active dad to our nearly 1 year old daughter. this is when he hurt me. hes never been violent. was a shock. he has suffered depression on and off for years. after he was made to leave he has tried to kill himself twice. hes currently seeking help. he cant apologise enough and says he knows he is to blame and cant forgive himself. ive said ill help him through his revovery because he really is unwell. I love him still and dont know what to do

OP posts:

SoftKittySillyKitty · 05/09/2017 23:59

OP, I didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hopefully someone with good advice will come onto the thread.

FastWindow · 06/09/2017 00:07

This will only be good advice in about four years time when you look back and wish you'd taken it.

Run away. All the faster because you have a child. Now.

From a survivor.

namechangepleaswork · 06/09/2017 00:12

My ex trailed me out of bed by the hair while our child was asleep in the cot. I also thought I "pushed his buttons" and he was depressed etc. So I stayed and supported him. Long story short I now have a lovely big scar under my eye from the last time he attacked me. It never gets better. As above poster leave now. Contact women's aid next time you get a minute alone/ I know this may seem so so scary. But please don't live your life worrying if he will do it again. He may or may not. But I can almost guarantee you will be anxious about it. Thats no way to live.

Shylo · 06/09/2017 00:14

Wise words from the ladies above.

You didn't push his buttons, he chose to assault you. Take your child and go

Original poster

hollieruffell · 06/09/2017 00:20

Thankyou for replies. When i said pushing buttons its cos we were talkn and semi arguing and he was annoying me so i said that cos i knew it get to him. we have had arguments for ages down to stress. he works 14 hour days most days and life gets too much. he has been down for a while. but as have i. ive nt forgiven him nd he knows it. but i feel like i know him nd i feel right that hes determined to get well again. hes never ever snapped before but felt like the crap we hv been going through had escalated to mke him lose it. again not excusing it. I know i love him and believe when i say he feels like who im meant to be with. Jst feel so confused

OP posts:

namechangepleaswork · 06/09/2017 00:28

You literally sound like me 5 years ago. You are just making excuses for him. I'm being harsh but honestly he assaulted you!!!!!! You need to protect yourself and your child. Can you honestly trust him not to physically assault you now? Do you have anyone in real life to speak to? If you don't as I said above please even speak to women's aid. This post has really got to me as it's so close to my heart. I wish I had done so just to get some other perspective. Don't waste your life on this piece of shit.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2017 00:30

Why are you making excuses for his violence? We ALL get stressed out. We all get tired and pushed to our limits. But that does NOT EXCUSE VIOLENCE.

SweetLuck · 06/09/2017 00:36

No.

Original poster

hollieruffell · 06/09/2017 00:38

I am not making excuses i have stated that i have not forgiven him. in no world was it acceptable. but as i say...the state of his mental wellbeing was ignored on a daily basis till this point and now we are gettin somewhere with it. This is the first time he has ever hit me. doesnt even do it jokingly only i ever do. so please dont say its excuses for him im jst sayin it as it is. it is surely possible for someone to have a moment of madness? i am not stupid that i will let him bk in my life like nothings hapend. There are strict things i have told him he needs to do. but even if i wanted it to work. i told him that would be wayyyy down the line.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 06/09/2017 00:40

If he wants to 'get better', it doesn't matter where he is. If he's truly determined to heal himself, he can do it whilst he's living elsewhere and he can do it without your help. Do not allow him to move back in. You need time to heal, too. Consider counseling for yourself.

As far as 'pushing buttons', my DH and I know very well how to push each other's buttons! After 30 years, boy, do we!! But never in all that button pushing have either of us ever raised a hand or gotten physical with the other. Button pushing should not result in violence.

thestamp · 06/09/2017 00:41

You are literally talking like a text book victim of domestic violence. Like... You are saying things that they teach social workers about in college, things they need to look out for when assessing vulnerable women whose partners abuse them.

Sorry op but this man will just hit you again and again. It's not going to get better. Also you can't work anything out with him. There's nothing YOU can do here except leave. Or stay, but then you need to accept that he will keep assaulting you and is likely to kill you eventually.

Did you know that once a man puts his hands to your throat in anger, your chance of being murdered by him goes sky high? Again... Text book...

That feeling that you're "meant to be together" is also text book stuff. Many victims of dv feel that way about their abusive partners. Doesn't mean it's a reflection of anything but an abusive relationship. No one is "meant to be" with anyone. Truly. That you feel that way is a danger sign.

Please op don't let yourself fall into this hole. Get out now. For your poor daughters sake if nothing else. Don't stay in this situation because she will end up in exactly the same kind of relationship if you do x

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2017 13:02

Please leave this relationship

It will happen again. He's not your responsibility to help; you have to focus on your daughter and leave him

NotQuiteJustYet · 06/09/2017 13:36

Leave, it will only get worse from here. The first time is like an eye-opener that you will allow them to treat you this way, and all they have to do is pretend like they're sorry. Eventually, the apologies stop coming entirely but the abuse ramps up.

Over a period of 3 and a half years, my ex went from starting off being stroppy with me and telling me it because of some bollocks I had or hadn't done through to choking me until I screamed for help from my neighbours because I genuinely thought I was going to die - I still didn't leave because I told myself it was a 'one-off' and it wouldn't happen again, he was just angry because he'd argued with his friend.

I remember being woken up one morning with him dragging his fingernails down my face and him looking completely dead behind the eyes. He'd checked my phone and a very gay, very camp friend of mine from work had accidentally put a single kiss on the end of a message asking which bus I'd be getting to work.

You are worth more than this. You do not have to forgive this behaviour and you certainly do not need to sign up for more of it. Get rid.

Offred · 06/09/2017 13:59

Leave. You are making excuses for him.

Unfortunately it will probably take several more years of damage to you and your child before you realise this was the time to break up.

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