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Relationships

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Original poster

DH accuses me of being controlling and says I need therapy!

18 replies

Avocadoicecream · 05/09/2017 23:00

Tonight my DH flew into a rage and accused me of being controlling and says that I need counselling.

Over me asking him not to fly back from work 2 minutes before his bedtime just to 'put him to bed'. He's often working late. I just said you might as well leave it half an hour, I'll put him to bed, then come back so that he can have time to go to sleep without a lot of commotion.

He's living here despite having ended the relationship last March. He ended over a similar reason to tonight, I asked him to keep things calm for half an hour after our special needs son goes to bed. He was jumping in and giving him hugs as he missed him during the day, and unfortunately our child, aged 5, tends to need pretty clear and calm routines and it mucks it all up.

Anyway, he said at the time that's not the only reason, said I was a bully.

I feel sad and trapped. He went to live with his brother but came back as he couldn't find somewhere else or in his words 'to help me out'. He's been very considerate since living back here but obviously it's a bit awkward and not long term.

OP posts:

Backtoblack1 · 05/09/2017 23:05

Are you still sleeping together? If so, you are both fooling yourselves that it is over. He does sound like he looking to blame you for whatever reason.

Original poster

Avocadoicecream · 05/09/2017 23:08

We were on and off, but I've stopped this over the last few months. It was too confusing for me and I never initiated it.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 05/09/2017 23:32

No, you're not controlling. You're living with a bullying dickhead who thinks you basically don't matter and that the household should revolve around him.
What's the legal position? Is it rented/mortgaged? Whose name is the house in? Depending on this situation, you can either throw him out or find a new home for yourself and DC, and set up a contact schedule that suits DC, not the man - he can adapt to it or fuck off.

Original poster

Avocadoicecream · 05/09/2017 23:45

His house mortgaged. His name. I've thrown him out twice but his brother has a limit on how long he can stay.

I can stay with a family member but that's miles away and our sn child has a brilliant and rare placement for one year. His first real help. I couldn't take him out without feeling terrible. I need to ask DP to move out until then.

Massively confused about who is being controlling.

OP posts:

Theresnonamesleft · 05/09/2017 23:49

It's not controlling or anything else. It's simply you wanting to put the needs of the child first. The child needs quiet and routine andyou are trying to instil this.

The current arrangement isn't working and won't. You need to look at the long term. He could help still by not living in the same house. As for he couldn't find alternative accommodation, so there's only one property in the area?

I know you have said you aren't sleeping together anymore. What about the other stuff - shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. You do that for him?

Original poster

Avocadoicecream · 06/09/2017 00:10

He's actually really good on the home front, does a lot of cleaning and washing. He's a good Dad in many ways. We sleep in separate rooms. It used to make me really upset, him finishing our relationship when day to day we got on so well. Now I just feel more detached and numb.

He says he can't afford to pay rent and this mortgage (which is big). I once tried to find somewhere for six months, and pay upfront, all my savings, there was nowhere. I have two kids, one with DP.

OP posts:

Original poster

Avocadoicecream · 06/09/2017 00:11

In a year perhaps I'll be able to work part time too, at the minute our child is only at their unit 4 hours a day maximum, 2 hours now until November. DP works full time.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 06/09/2017 01:30

I think you need some legal advice. If the house belongs to him and is in his name, you are on shaky ground WRT 'throwing him out' as he has a legal right to live there but if the relationship has broken down then a court may agree that he should be the one to leave due to putting DC's needs first.

Northernparent68 · 06/09/2017 07:16

I do not think your husband was unreasonable wanting to put his son to bed

junebirthdaygirl · 06/09/2017 07:33

Just ignore what he said. Just because he said it doesnt make it true. Sounds like being in that house is the best place for you at the moment so let his comments wash over you and go on. Have therapy only if it suits you and will help.

Hermonie2016 · 06/09/2017 07:57

What time did he get back at? In a healthy relationship there would be goodwill so you would both discuss it and it wouldn't get to be a big deal.

If your H is feeling insecure with his relationship with his son he might be more sensitive to not seeing him but that doesn't make you controlling.

Have you had legal advice?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 06/09/2017 08:03

If he's your H, it doesn't matter whose mane the house is in, when you divorce you will be untitled to half of what it's worth.

zippey · 06/09/2017 08:03

I can see your husbands view in wanting to spend a little time with his son when he ones home from work. I don't think it makes what you said controlling though. He has taken it the wrong way.

It sounds like he works hard and long hours. Can he come back home an hour earlier? Can your son be put to be an hour later? Try and come to a compromise.

LesisMiserable · 06/09/2017 08:09

He is not being " insecure" wanting to put his son to bed and to suggest that is just horrible.

SeaCabbage · 06/09/2017 08:38

On the face of it it sounds like your h is being difficult.

Can you tell us what happens exactly when he does get home two minutes before yoru son's bedtime? Does H then take over and sort him out til he goes to sleep? Is that a long time due to the disruption? Or does he get him all excited and then pass him back to you?

rosabug · 06/09/2017 09:04

You are in a really difficult position - I feel for you. You are not been controlling but I understand your DHs point of view too.

My advice, for what it's worth - compromise - can you move your child's bedtime forward an hour? And agree on a time your partner comes home on a regular basis? So he has more time with your son? Before all that though I think an apology to him would go a long way - not because you are wrong but because you want to solve this. I generally found when I apologised, my ex partner would too then we could get somewhere.

I wouldn't be worrying about the living situation just yet - it sounds too much and as you clearly both love your son and want to do what is best for him. In the meantime - see a solicitor, wait till you can work. Bide your time a little, till a more permanent solution becomes possible. Look after and care for yourself, can your partner spend more time with yr son and the weekend and give you some space to do something for yourself. Also - and this might be unpopular on here - if he is generally a good guy - is there something in the accusation that you are controlling? I can understand how you might be that way with your son on some level - but you and your partner need to talk - calmly - without defensiveness and accusation. Would some counselling sessions work to act as mediation for the current situation you find yourselves in?

Original poster

Avocadoicecream · 06/09/2017 10:36

Update! This morning he is still absolutely furious with me. He says that he doesn't love me or like me. He says that he only moved back because I emotionally blackmailed him. He says I need counselling and that there was no way he has to move out as it is HIS house. He said that I'm unhappy and we don't work but I was delusional about it and kept making him pretend that things were fine.

I'm totally shattered and crying my eyes out.

I said that I was quite conscious that we were not in a relationship but had been trying to make the best of a bad situation and wanted him to leave or me to leave.

We had gone to counselling previously, where he again went in suddenly telling me out of the blue that we were not together. We spent weeks with the counsellor with her trying to find out why. He rarely talked about specifics, just a 'we don't work' but then would accuse me of something like not wanting him to have friends... we would get to the bottom of it as I had been upset about two female friends who he met for lunch and complained about our relationship to them. I felt betrayed. We spent a long time going over 'his woes' which took ages because he would never say what they were for ages. And when asked why he didn't want to talk about them he said 'he didn't want to hurt me'. Then he changed his mind and said he did really want to be with me. Then got a bit elusive again. The counsellor said that he should go to his own counselling as his elusiveness was destroying us.

But that was a while ago. He did go to his own counselling but only after I asked him to go. And there apparently he just talked about how angry he was about stuff with me.

I really want out this is horrible.

OP posts:

Offred · 06/09/2017 17:50

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP.

You also need to read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft (it has become known as 'the book' on here). I suspect you will read some of the example conversations between Bancroft and an abuser and it will be a lightbulb moment.

I think after speaking to a solicitor it will become much clearer what your practical options are.

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