My friend - personality transplant??

[Dottie39]

My friend is 45, we are like sisters. I have known her my entire life. Until recently we spoke daily, shared everything, were each other's bridesmaids, are godparents to each other's kids, holiday together....

So, six months ago she met her childhood sweetheart again and left her husband of 25 years to be with him after they had a short affair. Sweetheart changed his mind and decided not to leave his wife and kids though.
Since then my friend has had various boyfriend's, each of which she has claimed is the one, she loves, introduced to family and her children...
Two weeks ago, after a ons she fell for a guy. He moved in with her and her son the next day. He lavishes her with expansive gifts and promises of exotic holidays. Since being with him she has become distant, doesn't answer calls or reply to messages, when we see each other I just sit through pictures of him, she is obsessed.
She has since fallen out with her sisters, her parents and friends. Partly because they voiced concern bit also because she owed people money and refused to pay back while bragging about holidays and her new lavish lifestyle. (Friends and family lended money to help her when she left her husband).
I lent her 3k to pay off her car on the understanding she would pay me back when her house sold. She could borrow more for her new house purchase this way as had less outgoings on paper. The house completed weeks ago. Last night I asked for the money as I need it and she offer to pay back over three years. I said no that's not what we agreed and she stormed off calling me a bad friend. Today she text me to say she will never pay me back.

What is happening to my friend and what should I do next?? I'm devestated and s worried. It's like part of me is missing or dead without her.

There is nothing happening to your friend per se, she's just being an epic twat.

Does the small claims court work with friends? That's what you should do if she's saying she has no intention of repaying it. The friendship's dead now, isn't it?

Small claims court - act quickly before the money's all gone.

This is very upsetting for you OP but I think you will have to kiss goodbye to your bff . She may rear her very ugly head a bit later down the road when this latest beau has feet of clay but imho you would be a damn fool to have anything to do with her. I wonder if she is suffering from a MH illness of some sort tbh . Protect yourself . Take her to the small claims court if you really want/need the money . I am so sorry my dear.

There are two issues - firstly, she is going through some sort of midlife crisis and behaving like a selfish, irresponsible arse. The second is whether you can get your money back.

For the first, is there any way you, her family and her ex husband can stage some sort of intervention. I can't imagine he is best pleased with a trail of new men in and out of his childrens lives. Maybe sit her down and find out exactly what sort of financial mess she has got herself into.

Secondly, if that doesn't work, take her to a small claims court or let it go, and never lend anyone any money again.

The money is an issue and I am upset, it was all my personal savings.
But her friendship and her behaviour is what I am struggling with the most. I love her completely and just feel like I don't know her at all. I am so confused and hurt. It hurts more than breakups with previous partners!

Your friendship is over. This woman has torpedoed her life and she knows it, but she's desperately trying to make it look like she's in control. Take her to court to get your money back as soon as possible or you'll never see it again. Don't worry about it ruining the relationship because that ship has sailed. It sucks and I'm so sorry for your pain, but it's the truth.

I'm confused by the timing. Did you mean 2 weeks ago or 2 months? I had a friend who did similar though and it really did sting after a good year or so of helping her out she ditched me for new tinder man

Timeline is she left husband six months ago, after a few weeks it become apparent her childhood sweetheart wasn't leaving his family. This was followed by various relationships lasting a few weeks, one night stands, drunken nights out... She met the latest two weeks ago, he moved in the next day. From.that point she cut herself off from me after daily contact for our whole lives and started acting distant and upsetting friends and family.

What a horrible situation for you op. I agree with others that it seems your friend is going through a period of turmoil, or experiencing some issues with her MH. This does not however excuse her taking money and saying she is never going to repay you. That is abhorrent behaviour. If you are needing to get your money back then small claims is the only way to go (although if she has got herself in a real mess financially then you have to acknowledge she may not be in a position to pay it back... in which case monthly repayments based on her circumstances would have to be arranged). I can understand why you are feeling upset about her change in behaviour, especially when it sounds like it is very out of character but the bottom line is she is still responsible for the choices she has made and the way she chooses to manage these moving forward.

What a very short sighted idiot she is!!

Do you think she's actually OK?

I want to send her an email that will hopefully cause her to think about her rushed relationship and recent behaviour. I don't want her to think it's all about the money or to be accusing and push her further away. I want to basically say, you are being a twat, you will realize this soon, and even though you are a twat I still love you. PS please give me my money. Any help??

Hi Friend, I know you've been very busy lately and I feel like we've lost touch lately. I miss you and I hope you're OK. I'd love to catch up if you have time.

I know we left things a bit up in the air regarding the loan repayment so maybe the best thing is if we talk about timescales? I know you know how I'm fixed and that, much as I'd like to, I just can't spare that kind of cash indefinitely.

Anyway, I love and miss you and hope you're in a good place today.

Anything you write or say will fall on deaf ears. She isn't interested in anyone's opinion. She has created her own little world and you and her family don't fit into it anymore.

Yes the small claims court can be used to claim money from friends if you have evidence that they owe it. Hopefully you transferred it electronically so there's a record of it, and kept the text message where she says she won't pay you back (depending on the wording this might do as evidence that it was a loan not a gift).

As for her behaviour, I'd guess that she's feeling terrible about being alone after a long marriage and is desperately trying to prove to herself that she can find someone else to be with. I'd be highly suspicious of the man who moved in with her the day after he met her. Sounds like he had nowhere else to go and will probably be very keen to help her spend the money from her house sale!

I would try talking to her one more time. You have too much history to just let it go. See if you can get to the root of what's bothering her. I'd also be looking closely at the new relationship for signs of abuse.

If she's willing to fall out with her own family and not give them their money back, safe to say it'll be the same with you I'm afraid.

By all means send the email but personally I think you'll be wasting your time

As hard as it is you're probably best off leaving her alone and letting her realise her mistakes which one day I'm sure she will

In the mean time, use a small claims court for the money.

I do think if you've been friends for 45 years and this behaviour has only manifested over the past six months, one last attempt to reach out and let her know that she hasn't burned all her bridges could help, possibly even to avoid court. Surely that's the nuclear option?

You may as well make one more attempt to reach out but say you need the money and will with great regret have to bring a claim if she doesn't agree sensible terms for repayment.

She's unlikely to respond to this. But suing her may make her see sense. You don't have to go all the way to judgment, you can stop any time.

Filing a claim is easy and cheap, and you don't need a lawyer.

If the behaviour has changed so suddenly and since being with her partner, are you sure all is okay?

She's lost touch with family, acting oddly, being distant, besotted with him...it just sounds like alarm bells should be ringing. I've had friends since before primary school too and this would really concern me.

Alarm bells here too.

She could be mentally and/or neurologically very unwell, she could be taking drugs, she could be being controlled by her brand new boyfriend.

I think the small claims court is the way to go wrt the money, whatever the reasons for her personality transplant.