Am I being unfair on my mum ... first baby due today and she is driving me mad!

[doghouse]

This is Mum's second grandchild and we are very close (no father on scene for 20+ yrs). I married last year aged 37 and a few months later moved away (3 hrs drive). As I said, we are very close and she has always had (I now realise) a great deal of control over my life and how I run it but that has never really caused any problems until now.

My DH gets on v well with her but finds this 'controlling' side rather difficult to handle as he feels now we are married and about to become a family that she should back off (as he wants to be my main protector now ).

I told her last week that I would probably not be letting her know the minute my waters broke as 1st time labours can take a while and she is 3 hours away and I don't want to worry her. (She will be visiting very soon after the birth with PIL and staying overnight). In my mind, as they are coming to stay (albeit only for one night) there is no desperate rush as I want to be out of hospital and hopefully feeding successfully before they arrive.

The other reason is that when my sister's boy was born, she (sis) rang when her waters broke at 11pm (as it was she then gave birth 7 hrs later) but Mum was texting sister's husband by 6am asking 'what was going on'! And I just don't want that for my DH.

I really don't want to fall out during what is such a special time but would just like sensible MN advice as to whether I stand my ground and make sure I tell her the news 'in my way' and they all come to stay 'when we are ready' or if I just pander to her to keep the peace?

Thanks xx

This is definitely your time and up to you how you break it. My parents and in laws live 3 hrs away and, as i started labour during the nihgt, we didnt make a phone call to my mum until the next morning and ds was born a few hrs later. my mum and inlaws came up the next day and, this is the good bit, stayed in a hotel so as not to put us out, this is highly recommneded!
In the end the birth of your baby is the important bit and not how it happened, dont worry about it, she will be delighted when the news comes and im sure her help will be much appreciated - as will the time comes when she leaves!!

I'm going to tell family when the baby's born but not mention the fact that I'm in labour or anything. With my first child's labour, the texts and phone calls drove me mad.

As far as I'm concerned, giving birth can be a big job, requires lots of energy and focus and no distractions. This time is about you, your DH and your baby and what you need. Don't get the guilts about your mum. If you don't tell her about the labour then she can't get worried.

You do it your way. If you want it to be just you and dh with no obligation to report to monther (very reasonable IMO), then that is how it should be. She should respect your wishes enought to be able to wait for a few hours to see her new grandchild!

I wouldn't tell her straight away either...i made the mistake of telling my mum my waters had gone...i didnt actually have DS until 4 days later as i didnt go into labour and eventually was induced. I was in hospital most of this time so out of touch (DH did update them a couple of times).

I found out afterwards she was v. distraught as had a stupid dream that i died and got really upset!! My mum is normally lovely and fairly chilled, defo not controlling but having a granchild has made her v. intense which quite frankly i find hard to deal with at times.

So basically this is a waffly way of saying ignorance is bliss...i would tell her when it's a done deal, once she has a lovely new grandchild to cuddle she'll hardly be able to be cross withyou anyway will she!!

Doghouse, stand your ground, do what you want, when you feel comfortable, it's your time.
My Mom drove up 2hours off her own back when I first went into labour with DS1, and I asked her to leave, so she drove back. It was a long labour and I didn't want DH to feel pushed out, I didn't feel bad at all, it's you and your DH's time and your will want peace and "togetherness" unhindered.

Good luck, best wishes

Ok, my mum wanted to know as soon as I went into labour because she said that otherwise she'd get no sleep and be worrying about me.

Oh yes we said. Dh will phone when I go to hospital.

In the end I was induced and he didn't phone until ds was born. What she didn't know was that was the plan whatever happened - she'd have been so excited about being a grandma again that she wouldn't have cared after the event.

Say what she wants to hear and then do what you want to do

Don't say anything at all. Just go on as you are, go into labour and let your DH call the family when he is ready after the birth.

Least complicated approach and least likely to offend.

Tell her when the baby arrives. She can do nothing but fret and bother your DH who will be busy.

If you feel that way definately don't tell her, my Mum rang the hospital while I was in labour to find out what was happening and told my husband off for not ringing her to keep her updated. So she wanted him to leave me in labour to give her telephone updates... With our 2nd we only told her once she was born.

My mum lives close by and I didn't tell her until first baby was born! (well, a couple of hours after).

It's just the way we wanted it, my labour was through the night and there was nothng she could have done. It was nothing to do with our relationship at all as it is good, just a decision between me and dh.

I think she was a bit shocked at the time but after she spent the whole day fretting when I was having ds (had to tell her as she looked after dd!) she now sees it as a blessing!

Good luck

I agree that it's totally up to you to do it your way. Be warned though you'll probably be getting the texts and calls anyway, with everyone asking if you've had any 'twinges' . My mum is a few hours away too and we called her and mil as I was going into hospital, because I wanted them to see dd as soon as she was born. But we also made them stay in a hotel and I would totally recommend this. That way they got to see dd for a few hours straight away, but we got time to settle in as a family without having to worry about other people.

Just do what feels right for you - she'll soon forget she was annoyed when she sees you and the new bub.

Do what feels right for you. I had my mum with me when I had DS (along with best mate as I am single) and that suited us fine, but if yours tends to plague you, swttch the phone off and tell her (if need be) that the battery died and you were too busy being in labour to even think about it.

Actually, swtiching the phone off when you hit your due day is no bad thing, as just about everyone you know will be phoning or txting at some point to ask if anything's happened yet.
Best of luck btw.

Tell her afterwards and just say that it ended up being a bit of a rush for the hospital and you/your dh forgot to text her in the drama/excitement of it all!

I have a controlling mum too, but situations coinsided and I ended up having my mum with me through the labour and she was fantastic, not controlling at all, just encouraging. When it came to the birth she was with me as well as dh - I can tell you it was the turning point in my relationship with my mum - it was the day she finally let go of the reins and let me start leading my own life.

Just wanted to share this as so many others here have suggested deceiving her instead of giving her a chance to change. Obviously it is your relationship and only you can know what is right for you.

Whatever happens - I hope that you have a fantastically easy labour and that the baby will be in your arms soon.

DO NOT PANDER ! No way !

You may put her noce out of joint slightly Doghouse but if you are as close as you say you are then she'll soon realise you know hat's best for your new little family.

Good Luck btw

I was so proud to be with my DD when she gave birth to my DGS - it was a lifechanging event for me. The only trouble is I keep thinking he's mine!

I would be honest. My Mum really really wanted to be involved as I am the only dd who will be having children.

I told her that I would tell her when I was in established labour but that as DP would be fully engaged as an active birth partner we wouldn't be phoning or receiving calls or messages - but that we would ensure that she was the very first to know as soon as was absolutely possible after the birth. Tell her that you can't use mobiles in hospitals anyway, and that you will not want your DH to leave you to phone. Then, turn your phones off.

Also be honest about when you would like her to come after the birth. Tell her that as you don't know what sort of birth you will have, and how many nights sleep dh will have missed etc that it is better to see how long you will stay in hospital etc - and that you will let her know after the birth when is the best time to see her.

Yes, Vev. I think that's a very common problem with a lot of grandmas, their thinking the GCs are theirs.

My mum thought my ds was hers.. became very controlling after I had him. She once came out with 'well I have almost brought him up haven't I'

errr noo you didn't.

My mum was lots of hard work. I didnt want to tell her till after the birth but my DH was worried that something might happen and that they would never forgive him.

They rang hospital and shouted at the staff, had a go at DH for not answering the mobile keeping them up to date!! They threatned to come over....awful awful really spoiled the early stage of my labour. Between my contractions I had to ring my M&D and tell them that if they continued to ring or turn up unannounced I would stop them from seeing the baby and never speak to them again! They havnt apologised to my DH!

My DD is 15months now and my Mum has finally chilled out and realised that I AM HER MOTHER!! I and now due a second and she want to come and stay over to look after DD when I go into labour but I am having my doubts I think that she will drive me up the wall! But she is good with DD!

Go with your instincts if you fear that the birth will be hijacked then tell them when you are ready. It took me a long time to get over my resentment. Good on your DH for taking on the big protector role. MIL can be very scary!

I'd go with everyone else and say tell her when your baby is born.

I had a special note on my birth plan ( hah about the only use the darn thing was) saying that under no circumstances were my mum & dad to be admitted.

Now that may seem harsh as I love my parents dearly but being 70+ seniors they don't quite remember or in my Dads case know about labour or the after effects.

I was very pleased I had put it in because in the event I told my mum went I went into labour and my DH sent her a text the next morning. She said it was lucky it came because if it hadn't she was heading to the hospital anyway ! They arrived that morning my Dad blithely camcording me bloated from the drugs and spacing, his first words were "So what school have you got him down for then" - bloody lucky I was drugged up I can tell you.

Do let her to see her grandchild as soon as you can manage it, but don't be afraid to be quite blunt about how long she can stay for and what help you need.

Good luck.

please do it your way, dont pander to her neediness, it's your time, and it is so special and over so quickly- she'll have loads of time to get to enjoy baby.

I found my mum a complete controling nightmare when i had dd1, she wanted to be at the birth etc and got really upset when i said no- with dd2 she came up a few days before but stayed with one of my mates, who tactfully distracted her.

be very firm ! and good luck!

Hi everyone

Just to say a huge THANK YOU for all of you taking the trouble to reply to my post.

You have confirmed what I knew deep down but I can't tell you how good it is to hear it from people who are totally objective!

What would we do without MN?!

Thanks again