Why do I keep making the same mistakes?

[babybigapple]

My longest relationship so far was to XH (6 years) and I have had 4 other relationships over 2 years. Admittedly I get bored very easily in other areas of life but my main issue is I become this needy and disappointed person in a relationship and I hate it as it ruins everything and I get very depressed.

I like to think I am a lot of fun and have no trouble attracting nice men, genuinely good people who deserve to be happy. They are kind, generous and successful people with whom I share interests with.

The problem is that they make me happy for a bit and then as they settle into a 'relationship' and standards begin to slip I just get disappointed and for some reason unknown to me, I miss qualities of previous relationships as I only remember the good bits of the past and focus on the troubles of the present.

Ideally I would spend an extended period living alone but I now have children to consider and for their sakes they need to have a stable environment.

Is it wrong to crave a partner who still wants to spend time with me without me arranging it or asking for their time? If I just back off, it makes them less interested if I am honest and it's making me very sad.

Any advice would be appreciated. Should I try and accept it's normal to feel like this?

You want an extended period living alone.
You want a stable environment for your children.

I don't understand why you don't consider those two things compatible?

I would say that an extended period on your own is the most stable environment for your children.

I would agree. You can spend a extended period with it just being yourself and your children. Maybe relate would be a good place to go (you can have relationship counselling alone)

I also think that just backing off probably gives them the impression you don't want to spend time with them or your too busy so maybe look at how you communicate within a relationship. No one is a mind reader

What do you mean by this

"Ideally I would spend an extended period living alone but I now have children to consider and for their sakes they need to have a stable environment"

I understand your comment to mean that you need a man to provide a stable environment for your kids.

That is pretty fucked up to be honest.

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It will blow your mind.

I agree with you to a degree OP.

I often read on here that people should be on their best behaviour at the start but, I disagree. I think people should be themselves in an ideal world.

People upping their game, whether it be overly attentive, trebling their openness to sex, to lure a new partner or spending above & beyond are all very manipulative when you think about it.

I think the best thing you can do, as their are no guarantees in life, is to stay single for the state of your children.

Real life and real relationships are imperfect. Things are often great for a while and then your shortcomings and theirs, and the mundane things of life become apparent. It seems you are living in some sort of dream world - you will never find the perfect partner. Give and take is the name of the game.

This is a lesson that you need to learn in order that your children do not embark on adulthood with similar dysfunctional ideas.

Just throw yourself into being a good parent. You cannot send the children back, so you owe it to them to give them the best.

I think the problem may be two fold. When you feel they are settling into a relationship and perhaps not being quite as attentive you back off, why? The core can only be fear. You need to lose that and have more respect for the guy and give both you and him the opportunity of a calm, non reactive, stable relationship. If you need drama of coming and going,,look at yourself first. Let go of the fear (or boredom as you frame it). Treat your partners as you would your friends, with love, respect, space and trust. Once you start practicing that it will become clear that you probably dont place the same,expectations on your friends as you do your partner to 'perform' to your satisfaction and then you can relax and go with the flow.

Apologies for the delay in coming back to this.

HotNatured I didn't mean I need a man for a stable environment for the children. I mean at present I have a joint Mortgage and the children are settled at home and at school so it would be selfish to disrupt that on the basis of my issues. I love my DP very much and can see a happy future for us if I can make sense of my feelings.

I think you've hit the nail on the head LesisMiserable as it probably is an element of 'too good to be true' that I don't want to lose. That said, I am the kind of person that wouldn't have been distraught at not having a partner and a children because I am not very maternal and very independent. I've sort of fallen into it.