Sudden change of heart over having children

[almostoutoftime]

First time poster here. Would welcome some advice and perspective from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Sorry for the length – I think it’s all relevant!

I’m 37; DP is 40. We’ve been together for 11 years. I am the (emotionally) high maintenance one; he is pretty laid back and will generally agree with me (sometimes opting for the quiet life I suspect).

A year or two into our relationship, DP said he’d like us to get married and start a family. I have never been interested in marriage and had no desire to have children. I didn’t ever say no explicitly, but I’m sure he could tell by my body language I was hesitant. It was never a reflection on him or our relationship - he means the world to me and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else (he knows this). He mentioned it a couple more times, but then stopped talking about it.

Fast forward a decade or so and by now we own a house together, have joint finances, wills etc etc. We’re fortunate to be financially secure and able to do the things we want to do. We lead a pretty quiet – but very happy – life. Neither of us have lots of hobbies or expensive tastes.

I still have absolutely no desire to start a family. However, I'm aware the clock is ticking, and remembering those early conversations, I sit him down and ask him if he would like to have children. If it was really important to him, I would want to do so. I’ve always thought that he would be a wonderful father. He says not really – that he used to think so, but now he doesn’t think he would. I ask him to promise me he’s being honest with me and not just saying what he thinks I want to hear.

That was a couple of years ago. About two months ago, completely out of the blue, I was knocked sideways by this powerful urge to have a child. I’ve never felt like this before and it’s unnerved me. I keep waiting for it to pass, but it hasn’t. It’s all I can think about. All the reasons I thought I didn’t want children now seem trivial or inconsequential, and I feel as if the entire future course of my life has changed direction, almost overnight. I have never been more certain about something and I’m terrified that time is running out. It’s important to say that I want my DP’s child, not ‘just’ a child.

I’ve of course talked to DP about this, but the poor man is understandably a bit thrown by this sudden and dramatic change on my part. I realise that I need to give him time to process this, but I’m struggling to balance this feeling of desperate, desperate urgency on my part, with the need to allow him to think about his own feelings, and make the right decision for him. I’m very aware that this would be such a momentous life change for both of us, that he needs to be absolutely honest with me. But now I am torn between this anxiety that I have pushed him away from fatherhood in the past, and the opposite fear that I might pressurise him into making the biggest decision of his life.

Has anyone else been through similar and can offer advice or hindsight?

Thanks!

Not been in your situation but...
Sounds like you have a very strong and loving, respectful relationship. Talk it over with him properly and give him time to think it through.
Recognise that it's probably your hormones screaming at you to get in there while you can, and that the overwhelming urge may pass.
Also, it's really not too late yet. It's a great time to have DC. We had DC at 39(me) and 44 (DH) We'd had loads of time together as a couple, loads of life beforehand. We didn't resent DC because we'd travelled, had careers etc and so felt fine about dedicating this chunk of our lives to family. It could work out for you.

I'm 6 years younger than you, but had the exact same thing happen, never wanted babies and wasn't interested. Suddenly all I wanted was a baby. We have had one and I'm so happy we did, I want another one I love them so much and can only think that another would just add to the happiness.

It is hard and I hated the first few months so it took a while to get used to it but I can honestly say I've never been happier.

Yep, my story exactly! Married a decade, never a broody day in my life, husband neither.....hit 38 and WOAH!!!

I agonised about it. Agonised I was reneging on a promise not to have them, that I was changing the rules.

Tbh I agonised for months. Eventually i cracked and said "I NEED to try for a kid"

He shrugged and went ok. I spluttered about my guilt at changing the rules etc and he said "Life changes. Are we not supposed to change with it? Fuck the rules. I'd never ever deny you a child"

Anyway I got pregnant. His engagement with the pregnancy was as if I were ill, he was minding me but little feelings about the baby inside. That was fine, I was scared and ambivalent too! But the minute our child was born he was a goner. We had another pretty quickly afterwards, conscious we were older parents. Being a Dad is his whole world now, though it's fucking hard when you're older and knackered.

That's my story, hope it helps.

EXACTLY my whole story. my whole life i was adamant i din't want kids. i'm not maternal at all and don't like other peoples.

made it clear to my DH the day i met him.

then i got to 37 and did.

our DD is the best thing that ever happened to us....

I never wanted children all my life but changed my mind at 37!

Exactly the same thing happened to me too - after being adamant I didn't want children. I woke up one morning (aged 35), and decided I did. I told my DP of several years that if he didn't want children, we'd have to split up, and I meant it.

He said we'd go for it, but thought we'd end up splitting up anyway. I assumed he thought he wouldn't be able to hack being a father, and would leave, but I still went ahead anyway.

After we'd had two children, I asked him whether he was surprised we were still together. He said he'd thought I'd decided to have children on a whim, and he was going to be left holding the babies, as he took his responsibilities seriously.

DS is off to university this month, DD is entering the sixth form. All's gone well so far...

I was never fussed about having kids. I accidentally got pregnant and the joy I felt was amazing. I knew I would end up a single mum but did it anyway. I was a career person aged 36

I'm still full of joy as a single mum and my lovely dd8

I never wanted kids. Assumed I'd have them because that's 'what you do' but never really fancied it. Until one day I woke up and had an almost physical urge for a baby-couldn't stop thinking about it and craving one. DH was surprised I was ready but happy to go ahead.
We've just had #4. I still maintain I'm not maternal, and my heart sinks whenever I'm on the crèche rota at church (!) but giving into that urge was the right thing to do.

For all the women that went ahead with a pregnancy when the urge hit, there is a woman who waited for the feeling to pass, and it does pass. Don't rush your husband OP. You still have time to decide. I know it seems overwhelming, but don't push your husband as he might resent it.

Wow, thank you all. I really appreciate your perspectives and honesty. It's hugely reassuring to know that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling. It's also reassuring to read that your OHs have found the same fulfilment in parenthood as you have - I don't underestimate the impact a child would have on our lives and we would need our relationship to be stronger than ever. Millifiori is right that we have a strong and respectful relationship, and we've had the time as a couple to do the things we want to in life that are harder with a child. I think we are both ready to make sacrifices, but I need to be sure that my DP is speaking just for himself.

I was half expecting people to come along and tell me I sound like a nightmare to live with, with my poor DP just agreeing with things for a quiet life (or perhaps that's just how I feel in my more critical moments)...

I definitely take on board the caution re my overwhelming desire to have a child passing - when it first hit me I was sure it would.

Look, if he really wanted children in the past he would have just left you and found someone else. Clearly it wasn't so big of a deal to him and he has resigned himself to a childless life out of love for you. He's probably made plans, maybe he's even glad that he didn't have them. But it's not like he desperately wanted them but changed his mind completely because you said no. He's probably suppressed the idea for a long time. Understandably he will need abut if time to think about whether he wants them after all. But it is not as if you have caused this.