If you were emotionally abused as a child does it make you more vulnerable as an adult?

[tootiredtobeinspired]

I had a fairly emotionally abusive childhood and have realised that my mother is a classic narc. I am currently very low contact with her and my siblings (my father is out of the picture anyway) so apart from my DCs and DH have no real family. I have been seeing a counsellor for about a year and shes been great but we have mainly focused on my childhood and the issues with my birth family. However after a recent argument with my DH I am now starting to wonder if I have picked myself an emotionally abusive partner? I have identified that my 2 best friends both have narc tendencies (one I am no longer friends with but she was my BFF from childhood until early 30). I am worried now that I am some sort of magnet for those who look for damaged/ vulnerable people? Or am I seeing narcissism everywhere and actually its me thats the problem? I dont think my DH is a narcissist but he is certainly very self absorbed and selfish but perhaps I am being too hard on him in light of my past?

I have emotionally abusive parents and I tend to be a bit of a people pleaser. It did leave me vulnerable to bullies in work. However they were so dysfunctional as parents that I found a partner who was kind and nothing like them. Initially I thought my mum was a narcissist but now I think it may be mild autism - she can't read people well and comes across as selfish.

I don't know if I could say I was emotionally abused but I was brought up in a horribly angry, aggressive family with no love whatsoever. My siblings and I were constantly derided and put down, we were stupid, or fat or or or.... We all have attachment issues, struggle to form and maintain close relationships.

What makes you think he is a narc?

That does sound emotionally abusive Midsomer

It is always worth remembering that even people growing up in supportive, loving and stable homes can fall prey to an abusive partner. I know no one needs "telling" this in a sense, yet it is worth mentioning.

There are of course tendencies people have and messages they grow up with and the two mixed can make someone an easy victim for someone with controlling tendencies.

Real narcissism is extremely rare. It is unlikely (obviously not impossible) that everyone in your life is a narcissist. What is more possible is that they have narcissistic tendencies and inclinations that may bloom and grow when with you because you have tendencies and inclinations of your own.

Yes adults from abusive homes can have serious problems with attachment and emotional well being btw narcissim is quite a specific personality disorder so try and drop that label I don't want to play down your awful experience but narcissim isn't all around you

In a word yes those of us who come from backgrounds of not being loved by a parent are people pleasers in adulthood.

Edit above post

Those of us who come from backgrounds of not being loved by a parent can be people pleasers in adulthood.

Yes love it does make you more vulnerable. I don't like the word vulnerable and resented when friends used it to describe me because I didn't feel I was. Looking back I certainly was. I've learned to be much more assertive but those lessons came hard and from mistakes.

Growing up with an abusive mother has made me vulnerable to bullying from others, as well as terrifically insecure and basically a sump of self loathing.

It does make it easy for people to take advantage of you, as anything that even feels like friendship, affection or intimacy lights up your world; You keep on wanting to believe in it a long time after you should have realised it was false.

I still don't know why you think you DH might be a narcissist.

You may not have learnt good boundaries and it's the lack of boundaries that can attract difficult people into your life.

I'm not so sure personality disorders are that rare.It estimated at 1:25 people.

@Listette, what does your mum do that makes you believe she has autism?

@cueless I dont think he is a narcissist, he does have some traits though (as a lot of people do I guess). He thinks he is better than everyone, used to say he was destined for greatness(!) He has little empathy and is rarely wrong (in his opinion obviously!)

We have been together since we were very young (20+ years together) and its only as I am coming through counselling that I am starting to question the people around me. @MephistophelesApprentice you are right, any affection or friendship does light me up. which is sad really as I probably refuse to see when its bad

I think so.

I grew up with a narc mother. I find it almost impossible not to replicate that set-up in romantic relationships, so I avoid them.

We seek the teeth to match our wounds. It's very difficult to get out of the patterns set in early life.

Theory of mind difficulties. She sometimes seems unempathetic but actually she can't put herself in other people's shoes. Extreme anxiety, doesn't like socialising, can't read social cues. I really feel for her. She is considered 'odd' by other people. If very overwhelmed emotionally she'll echo what you say. Very poor balance. Prone to rages if she can't cope. No friends.

@Hermonie2016 I have terrible boundaries. A lifetime believing my mothers feelings/ happiness were the most important thing has made me struggle to even have basic boundaries as I have no idea what they are

My poor Mum . She also never hugged or cuddled us a children.

Personality disorders in themselves aren't rare, but narcissism is.

Sociopaths are surprisingly more common.

@CaoNiMartacus We seek the teeth to match our wounds

This is what I am afraid of with DH. I am doubting myself though because I worry I am overreacting and seeing abusers everywhere when actually hes just a normal bloke who can be a bit of an arse?

I feel very broken by my mother and Im not sure how to heal.

tootired I think you need to be very good to yourself and mother yourself a bit. Know that you won't be like that as a Mum and assert boundaries so that people don't treat you poorly.

I lack self-confidence. I have big issues trusting someone. I used to try to test them to check if I could trust them. It is in effect mind games.
I have had to accept that this feeling of insecurity is just there and the strength of it can be overwhelming at times. I should accept it and not try to control the situation with irrational behaviours.
I tend to have a bit of social anxiety and I find socialising exhausting.