Wifework conundrum

[SeptWars]

Hi, I'm a regular but have name changed for this. I'm having a bit of an issue with DP since DS started school and would like suggestions on how to best discuss this with him.

I've done everything. I enrolled DS in the school, followed up on orientation /introductory days, trekked around getting uniforms, books, schoolbag, lunchboxes, coming up with lunch ideas, school haircut, school shoes. I was the one who checked with the school what day and times he was starting. SIL has offered free (!!) childcare before and after school until 7pm when both of us get home, including giving DS his dinner and picking him up earlier than her own DC for the year.

This will save us an absolute fortune which is sorely needed, plus DS is minded by loving family he adores. Such amazing generosity from SIL, and honestly we would be fucked without her help. So it basic manners to at least drop her a text if the arrangement varies, right? Turns out DP can't even manage that. . Despite saying that he can't do any school runs, (and me letting SIL know that) DP has done every morning drop off since Wednesday, as he took some leave at the last minute. And she doesn't know if DP is doing it or not, or if she has to pick DS up. Last night he said he would do the school run and I told him to text SIL to let her know. 20 mins before school starts I get a text from BIL asking are they doing the run today or not so obviously DP didn't bother his arse. He's got form for not bothering to reply to texts from his mum or his sisters but has never not responded immediately when it came to DS or childcare. It's pissing me off massively and it's only a matter of time before it pisses off my SIL and she tells us that the arrangement isn't working.

So now it looks like yet another fucking thing that I appear to be the default organiser of- checking with DP what he plans to do every day and updating SIL via text. Along with everything else to do with school. Where it once used to be a shared routine, now it's all down to me apparently. I'll be addressing this firmly this evening though.

In 13 years together we've never assumed that I'll do the wife-work stuff. This is out of character - despite being brought up in a house with quite old fashioned gender roles, it's not stayed with him and we've never done gender roles in our relationship. Since we had DS, DP has been a fully participating hands-on parent. Housework was always shared evenly and harmoniously. Our money is pooled as family money and I've as much access to it and as much say as he does. We both work full time with roughly similar hours. It's always been an even relationship so I'm baffled that in the last few weeks all this wife-work seems to be MY responsibility and it's my fault when DP can't find a school shirt hanging up right in front of his fucking face or that I was supposed to wake them up before I leave at 7.30am. Or that I'm supposed to remember when I've to send in X or Y on a particular day to school. Yet in other areas he's the same as always - when he was off yesterday, he cleaned the whole house and did a fuck ton of laundry, so this wifework stuff is only in relation to school for now. I need to nip this in the bud before it begins to creep into other areas of our life and I somehow end up in in a few years doing the bloody lot along with my full time job and wondering how I ended up with it all on my plate.

We very rarely fight, and we communicate really well, so I know he'll listen and take on board what I say. I don't think he's even aware he's doing it - I suspect that harks back to the rigidly gendered roles he grew up with. I want DS to grow up in a house without gender roles or assumptions as much as possible But I don't even know how to explain the concept of wifework properly to myself so how can I explain it to DP?

Get him to read the book!! That will focus his mind, if he's generally good in other areas.

Then emphasise to him how good his sister is being in looking after his dc and how he needs to communicate better with her re pick ups - or you're right, she will get pissed off.

Your OP is really clear and articulate. I'd just tell him exactly what you posted here.

I think the scene was inadvertently set by you taking on all of the getting ready for a new term stuff (uniform, communicating with school etc). It would have been better to talk it all through together, do some stuff together and both agree tasks to take on alone. You'll know better next time.

Maybe sit down and list the school-related things that you have done in one column and the school-related stuff that he has done in another column. Writing it down will be a useful checklist for new terms to come.

For him all of that was magically done with no effort on his part and so he is continuing in that vein. If he had been more involved, he would already know that your son needs swimming kit on a Wednesday for example.

I think you need to give him the task of communicating with SIL. Do not get involved in that. If it does break down (and it will), then it is up to him to fix it. Do not be tempted to swoop in and take over. Let him have the consequences of things breaking down. At the moment he has no consequences because you do it all. If he and SIL start communicating, they will soon get into the habit of it without involving you as a mediator.

Also tell him that he is putting his share of the 'wifework' onto you (because of course you are not going to make your son suffer because of his father's twattery) and that is not on.

Hope it works out.

Not defending him but could he have an historic school phobia?
Our kids are in their 40's now but because I hated school myself,I had a hard time doing all of the stuff that starting school and developing a routine around school entails.
Dh knew about this as we've known each other since school and have always been able to communicate well so we managed it together.
I still get flustered about school stuff when dealing with DGC's and helping with occasional drop offs and pick ups but we're retired so we do it together.Good team,me and DH
Weird how DD has been teaching for nearly 20 years.
I digress.
Sit DH down and spell out what you've posted here.
Seems a shame that your equal division of labour be spoiled by either a misunderstanding or him being an idiot.'Good luck.

I think a list of what's actually involved in organising school is a good idea - e.g. organising (and communicating) pick ups, drop offs, uniform, lunches, PE kit. Perhaps he mistakenly thinks that life is vastly easier now!

Also, I'd be working out how much money you're saving through your SIL's offer, that would probably be pretty eye opening and make him realise that he needs to be super grateful and helpful!

thank you for the brilliant suggestions - I've ordered the book, and I'll talk to him tonight and remind him of the extra money we have thanks to SIL - we went from having to pay £550 a month for childcare to nil. We can finally start saving properly for our house deposit with that kind of extra money now.

Popchyk your post is very helpful, thank you. I did make a rod for my own back there by taking on everything, I see that now. And you are correct that I shouldn't also take on communication between him and SIL. He will be getting a stark talking to regarding not fucking her about. That he has to communicate with her about DS the same way he does with me. Perhaps a shared whatsapp group or something.

maras2 he seems to have had a lovely time in school - one of the talented smart lads that teachers love. I was the one who had a hatred or fear of school. Even now in my forties, seeing my angry teacher from when I was seven would make my heart pound. So perhaps it's not him that's got the aversion but me? And that I'm noticing how much I do of the school stuff because it's touching on long buried anxieties... that's food for thought there.

frisbeefreedom at the moment luckily there's not much to organise - Literally give a 5yo breakfast and put him in a uniform that I now lay out the night before. Remember the lunch in the fridge that I also prepare before setting off and get him to school on time. The school is a 5 min walk away from the house. Books are kept at school, there's no homework for the infant year and there is no pe equipment or swimming money to remember - yet! I know it's small stuff but I'd like us to be in an equitable team with SIL in the loop before it gets more complicated.

Thank you so much all of you. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out. You calmed me down from being very annoyed this morning and I see now what I need to change