Heartbroken by family moving overseas

[D886]

I wrote here a little while back on the same subject and I think I just need some support, if anyone is there.

My aunt and uncle are moving abroad in a couple of weeks. As it's getting closer, I'm finding it more difficult to deal with. I physically feel like part of my heart is breaking. My aunt is like another mum to me and has been more present in my life for some things than my actual mum (no disrespect to my mum there, I'm just highlighting how close my aunt and I are).

My brain keeps throwing all kinds of random memories at me which involve my aunt. Pretty much everything involves her in some way so this is happening a fair bit at the moment. It is painful and incredibly difficult as I feel like it is a slow bereavement.

I've always attached myself to family more than friends. There was a huge break up with my extended family in 2014, so there are a lot less people around. There is no chance of reconciliation, I'm afraid. I became very introverted then (I still am) and relied on my mum and aunt and so friends have drifted away. I don't really have any real friends now; this summer holiday with my 3 kids has been tough as I've felt very lonely and most days have I have been by myself with them (aged 8y, 5y and almost 1y). Usually, my aunt would be with us a couple of days a week and we'd take them out, but obviously she has been busy preparing for her move, which I fully appreciate.

I intend to go to some baby groups to connect with new people and will try not to shy away from other parents at the school gates.

But I just get overwhelmed by the realisation that they will be gone soon and I don't really know how I'll get over it.

It isn't too late to start making friends. Could you plan a trip to visit your aunt in a couple of months? Perhaps taking just the baby if your partner can take care of the other 2 DC. Are they going far? Loss is always hard IMO, but there will be wiser people along soon I hope. It does seem that this is your catalyst to make a change - to start hobbies and classes that get you out and potentially meet new friends.

My Mum and Dad moved to the States at the beginning of this year. My Mum and I are very close and the thought of not having her near was very, very difficult to bear. However, I've found that although I miss them I was more sad before they left than I am now. I can see they are happy where they are and one of the things that really did help was we put in place a plan for me to go and see them. They left but with us knowing when we would all see each other again rather than a 'not-knowing' feeling. Could you do something like that perhaps?

It's weird; I do feel like it is the anticipation of them leaving which is painful. When they've gone, I'll be (we will all be) readjusting - at least readjustment feels like it is something active.

I do need to see this as a catalyst for a new phase in my life. There is a local playgroup on tomorrow which I will try and go to, and not find excuses to back out of. I have invited my dc's school friends over to play throughout the next month, so this will enable me to rekindle relationships with other mums that have turned stale. There is one particular mum who I feel a connection with - she works full time but at least I can say 'We really should go for that coffee one day you are free'.

I feel very awkward and unnatural around people I don't know very well. It's like my social skills have rusted over and I've turned cold. I wasn't always like this but since the family fall out in 2014, I have put up gigantic walls around myself. I never meant to, but that is the effect that has had.

My 8yo and 5yo are very close to my aunt (they call her 'nan' as we are so close) so if I visited without them, I think they'd find that difficult. DH works long hours so it might not be practical either, but it is worth considering as things may change in the future.

To the pp who asked, they are moving to Portugal so not moving terribly far (they only lived 10 minutes away before, but it is important to focus on the future now, as it is this stuff that pulls me down).

I think that's one thing that I've learned so much since the break with my extended family and because of this - nothing lasts forever, and everything changes (sometimes for the worse; sometimes for the better).

Portugal's really close! We went this summer - it takes me longer to drive to my parents house in the U.K. than it does to fly to Portugal.

You can get cheap flights and there's no time difference so if they're not that far from an airport its definitely doable for a weekend.

I know it isn't really that far away, but it far enough away that we won't be able to pop over to one another's for a cuppa, or I won't be able to take her some flowers over on a Friday afternoon. She bakes us home-made pies; she's so sweet. It's the little, every day things I'll miss. So I do need to focus on how we readjust.