Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity

[reneeMs]

I'm gonna say this right away: I AM NOT here to be told I'm an idiot for forgiving and staying in my marriage. So if that's your intention, please scroll on.

My husband confessed his infidelity to me and I chose to forgive and stay. We have since worked on the underlying issues that let to it and are doing better now than in a long time (probably better than the last two years).
HOWEVER...I am struggling with the daily occurrence of something coming up and reminding me of the cheating. Examples: I was folding his underwear and thought, "Someone else has seen his underwear..." Little things like this happen almost every day and it just makes me sad.
Ladies who have been through this...did this happen to you? How did you cope? Did you gain any strategies for letting go of the images and not dwelling on it? I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Maybe I just need time? I'm just tired of being happy and content with our marriage one minute and then being reminded and depressed the next.
Thanks for any helpful comments!

I'm not sure this is a helpful comment ....
I couldn't hack it
I ended up telling him it was all bets off and having an affair of my own
On the plus side, I found I genuinely couldn't care less about all that kind of thing any more. I saw things much more from his pov, and just stopped caring.
On the minus side, i'm not convinced its entirely great for relationship recovery (understatement) although we get on just great now as I am no longer resentful and unhappy.

Well that's really an interesting thing way to handle it but not sure that that would be helpful to me personally lol but thanks for sharing!

What happens when these feelings arise? Do you speak to your DH? does he allow you to talk & reassure you?

You're working on your marriage but clearly not over it yet so that's something the 2 of you need to address together.

We have since worked on the underlying issues that let to it were any of these issues categorised as your fault? When I was in your situation I stupidly took responsibility for some of his reasons for cheating and was then constantly doubting myself and trying to behave in a way that wasn't really "me".

Things were good for about 2 yrs afterwards (but after about 6 months I wasn't to mention the affair) then he slipped back to being how he used to be and I realised that none of it was my fault, he was just a cheating bastard... We limped along for about 5 years post affair then split up.

I know you don't want to be told to LTB, but unless you are both working hard at repairing the relationship, in my experience, you'll split up anyway and wish you'd done it 5 years earlier.

Sorry for what you're going through.

How long ago did you find out?

Oh no he lets me talk about it whenever I need to. We've been to counseling and he has heard me say the above but in more detail. He's pretty up for trying whatever to help me feel more secure. The only time we've agreed NOT to discuss it is during a fight, so no throwing it out there like a dagger (although he was understanding when this rightfully happened in the beginning). I've asked him for ideas an he's suggested giving it time and continuing to strengthen our marriage, getting rid of anything that reminds me of it, and just get busy doing something else to distract myself.
And I don't agree that I'm blameless in the entire situation. My husband says all the time that I'm in NO WAY responsible for his actions and his cheating, but I acknowledge that I played a role in getting our relationship to the low point that it was at before the infidelity. I don't find myself acting any way that isn't "me."

Slightly off topic but why are you folding his pants?

Odd question paq??!!!

I'd fold my DP's underwear if I'd bought it in from the line.

I'm not sure if you mean why bother folding underwear or why am I doing it for him?

How long did his affair go on for?

A bit of both .

But yes, if I was struggling to overcome infidelity I would be letting him wash, dry and fold his own bloody pants for a while.

I do know how you feel. I am terrible when I first go to bedI cannot sleep for hours with 'thoughts' etc. You are not an idiot. I am still here for all kinds of reasons 10 months after finding out , even though I definitely have not forgiven. I am the same by the way, on a pleasant evening outit kinds of drifts away, when we have a disagreement or I dwell on it , I think that maybe it would be better to move on. the IC told me a biggie is making sure you feel more in control of stuff, so that if at any point you decide to change your mind you do it from a better standing start and having 'thought' about it, not an instant gut reaction. She also said allow yourself 2 hours break a day where you tell yourself you cannot think about 'him/affairs' in anyway whatsoever and do something that requires a lot of concentration or physical effort. Push yourself through it, it does work.

I'm no help. I was with my (now ex) husband for many years and over that time he had three affairs. I know, I'm mad. I was very much in love with him.

Even now I have to deliberately not think about things like you describe. It is incredibly painful to know that your own husband has been so deceitful and so intimate with someone else.

In the end I had to end the relationship. I felt I was losing my sense of self. I knew he loved me (he didn't want us to end it and even now I think he would come back) but he loved the attention of a new woman. I couldn't trust him. I didn't know my own history - even years later there were things I only truly understood - they fell into place.

I think forgiving a one night stand is one thing, though it would be hard to trust them again (and if they are willing to throw away their marriage for an hour of fun, what does it mean to them, ultimately) but an affair that goes on for a while, where deception is the rule, lies are told every day etc... for me that was too much, in the end.

My DH considered leaving me (and our DD) for another woman he became close to when he was depressed. To this day I'm still not certain how far they went with each other, at the time he said it was an emotional affair as such but I think they kissed, and if there was more I don't think I will ever know. I can't imagine a woman expecting a man to leave his wife and child if there had only been meaningful glances between them etc.

It was a horrible time, the most unhappy I have ever been in my life and I was in a very dark place. Like you my imagination was on over-time wondering about them together, what they had been up to, what she had been to him that only I should have been. It was utterly miserable. It came up constantly between us, it was emotionally exhausting and I was a wreck.

Then one day I just decided I had literally had enough of thinking about it - it was literally that sudden. I just couldn't anymore. It was too draining. I stopped bringing it up with my husband, and gradually over time I thought about it less and less. It was like every time it got dragged up it opened the wound and I just couldn't live like that any more. The less we dwelled on it the better our relationship became over time, until eventually we got back on track and were happy, and I regained my trust in him. It was literally a case of 'least said, soonest mended', because actually there comes a point where there isn't really anything more you can say about it, you can't pick it apart any further, it has happened and it is now time to move forward. But I think you have to get to that place naturally in your head, you can't force it.

We are now 6 years on from that time and a few months ago my DH became depressed again and is contemplating the possibility of moving out for a while to get some head space. I know there is nobody else involved this time (I would know the warning signs as I've been there before). God knows what will happen and whether we will get through this rough patch. But the optimist in me does believe that if you are meant to be with somebody then you will find a way through, and if you aren't then you have to try and accept that a different path awaits, as scary and horrible a prospect as that is.

If you are confident that you can trust him from now on then it is worth getting through this, and your new-found trust will get you through the hard times. If you can't trust him then you need to have a think about whether you can live like this going forward.

1.5 years since I caught my bf messaging a random woman from Twitter and I still struggle with it daily. I'm finding the passive/active approach comments on here helpful. I'm very much of the 'it's not fair, I did nothing wrong, you're a no good cheating bastard' school of thought which might be true but isn't all that helpful as I've chosen to stay.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Sorry, wrong link

www.goasksuzie.com/guide/surviving-infidelity-betrayed-spouse/

Triggers are normal. With time they fade or you learn to accept they are a part of your history.

Replace the things you can that were part of the affair.

I know some couples replace wedding rings, as they don't want the ring that was on an intimate part of the OW/OM near them.

Many reclaim and create their own memories. For example, they go back to the hotel and spend time to make it their history.

It's never easy dealing with the triggers...but believe it or not, the remorseful cheater has these as well...except they can't share them out of shame.

The thing I find quite hard in those that didnt confess is the fact many carried on for years with life totally as normal, knowing this stuff was in the background and their history and in their heads. I realise some people can compartmentalise better than others but boy does it seem odd to me. It does make you see someone in a different light I feel. On the positive side though, i do feel it makes you feel more able to call them out on any shit. I now feel able to say 'dont speak to me like that'. Im not sure I would have done before.