Have posted about related things before and got advice so don't want to rehash those again. Short version is dh lied about intending to cheat early on in our relationship, denied it but some other things happened between then and now which i have been unhappy with and he has lied (or being deliberately misleading) about.
Before the initial incident i never had cause to mistrust him and the only times I've reacted badly are to these incidents. His usual excuse on me finding something is that he didn't want to tell me because he knew what my reaction would be, but all my bad reactions are as a consequence of something shit hes done! Such as him booking a hotel room while working away instead of staying in work accommodation (fine) on a generally unused credit card account (not fine, he actually admitted he hid it so I wouldn't see it, apparently so he could tell me by phone before i saw it), spending the next two days sightseeing/eating out and drinking (fine) without telling me because he thought I'd argue about the cost, despite the fact I'd not questioned anything previously (not fine). Took him a week to tell me, a few hours before he went there, cynically i now believe he only told me because id asked for his password to look at something else so he thought I'd find out anyway. And why didn't he email/text/message the news earlier? And that's only one example.
As is the way of these things, I've found everything after the fact. Thought we were in a good place but this week read messages from a year ago which now clearly show he was (yet again) deliberately lying about something i would be upset about, and at the same time saying he tries to be completely honest since the last (related) incident. Blows my mind that he can be so two faced and deliberate.
He's said I can trust what he says now because now it has been rammed home to him how important it is to be honest (after a v bad year). Baffled that he's only come to this conclusion after 20 years together and reactions from previous events.
So I'm stuck wanting to believe him but not seeing how such an ingrained behavior could change. Are there any articles/books etc which could make him see how damaging his behavior is? I don't want to spend my life checking up on him but equally dont want to be in the position of stumbling across something after the fact and realised hes been lying again. He's asked what I expect him to do, I just want to be able to trust him. I'm trying to start afresh but don't think he really understands the consequences of so many deliberate lies on me and our relationship.
Sorry, that wasn't short!