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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

34 newly single, panicking - no kids, marriage

19 replies

Holisticbetty · 05/09/2017 00:32

Hi there,

My ex left me in March. Totally out of the blue. I was so happy and thought we'd get engaged this year. He left me in the middle of a job redundancy, my dad having triple heart bypass and me undergoing treatment for a cervical spine injury. My life took a nose dive that's for sure.

He left me because he doesn't want marriage or kids. Although 18 months together and he never mentioned this and we even talked about engagement on our anniversary. So i now believe it to be a cop-out.

He suffered a major motorbike accident five months into our relationship and spent the next 10 of it on crutches having three operations on his leg. I nursed him through each op... everything right down to even emptying his commode at home! In hospital, I physically lifted him onto the toilet and stroked his back whilst he tried to poo through constipation after too much morphine!!! I thought this man was going to be my husband.

He got the all-clear from the hospital end of January and then 8 weeks later I was dumped. I now think that I was a crutch to him, figuratively and literally. He used me as a nurse maid .

The sad joke is that he is now seeing someone who has a toddler. But he's also back on Tinder, so can't be that happy with her. Still hurts me bitterly.

After the break up, I immediately went into panic mode and could not function. I had also lost my job so has no steer in life. Nothing to focus on. I spent two months hiding under my duvet. But I tried to move on so eventually I tried dating again. Met a nice man on POF, but no spark at all on first date. I carried on seeing him in the hopes a connection would develop. People told me to give it time. Fast forward three months and I've just broken up with him last week. No connection came. We just morphed into friends. I thought ages about staying with him because I'm terrified I'm too old now for marriage and kids. Every day is a day wasted. I get more depressed with every day. I'm having counselling.

I'm looking for positive stories about meeting husbands later in life as I just don't think that's going to happen for me now. I don't know how to meet anyone either. I work in magazine publishing which is a female dominated industry. After my redundancy from a top publisher in London, I now work at a local publisher. But I'm even thinking about having a total career change and getting a job in the city (I live just outside London) in banking or becoming a receptionist in a law firm or something. Just to widen my chances of meeting men!!

Any news advice will be received with so much gratitude. How and when did you meet your husband?

I was 34 in August.

I wish I knew what I did wrong :(

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Holisticbetty · 05/09/2017 00:36

I realise the guy I dated recently was filling a void but he just didn't fit. I still think about my ex who left me in March..I'm doing my best to move on and want to spend September healing and then I will try again. But I've lost all hope, trust and faith. I'm just too old now :'(

OP posts:
iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 05/09/2017 00:36

34 is not old by any means and you did nothing wrong! focus in your own happiness, forget men! Aside from marriage etc. What do you want from your life?

Rollercoaster1920 · 05/09/2017 00:40

Get a job in IT. Lots of males in that industry.

Also there must be lots of divorced men going by the LTB threads on Mumsnet!

More seriously 34 isn't old for London settling down.

Butterymuffin · 05/09/2017 00:48

Have a look at this thread, running at the moment

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3024140-Dont-know-what-to-do-boyfriend-and-kids

Lots of women there posting about breaking up with the wrong guy who said he didn't want kids, then marrying and having kids in their thirties.

You didn't do anything wrong. It was bad luck and luck changes.

VinsArmy · 05/09/2017 00:51

My Dm got married at 40 and had a baby at 43. I know this may not be the norm but does show it is possible.

toffee1000 · 05/09/2017 01:10

There's loads of threads about this at the moment, you're far from the only one! Reading those threads will give you some reassurance. 34 is still fairly young, you can have kids still and find someone. It can feel worst in the immediate aftermath of a break-up and you're really noticing those around you who are in happy relationships, but take some time to think about what you want from a relationship, don't jump into one just because you feel you should.

mrbob · 05/09/2017 02:30

I think if being single is making you this sad then the BEST thing you can do is stay single! Which sounds shit I know but at the moment you seem to be looking for the relationship to make you happy and to give you an idea of what you want from life. Stay single a little longer, find your own way and once you are not bothered about meeting anyone anymore then start looking! I say this as someone who has been single for AGES and is only just feeling healed and good to go because I am insanely happy and have my life where I would like it and know that if I meet someone they will have to be great to actually add something to my life :) Ps 34 is a baby so don't worry about that!

Dontknowwhattodonowok · 05/09/2017 06:38

Someone has already posted the link to my thread but there is some wonderful advice there. Flowers I know it's shit.

Wreckingball25 · 05/09/2017 06:43

I also had a big relationship end in my 30s. Was so upset that half my hair fell out and honestly couldn't imagine ever being happy again.

I'm now 38, met my husband when I was 34 and we have a baby girl. He's way better than my ex!

Talkedabout · 05/09/2017 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mycatloveslego · 05/09/2017 06:55

I'm sorry you've had such a bad time recently op, but don't despair, you're definitely not too old.
DH's step mum met his dad when she was 40 through work. She'd never been married but had been in a few 'long term' relationships which hadn't worked out. She had resigned herself to never having any children. But then she met and married DH's dad, had DS1 at the age of 42 and DS2 at the age of 44. Both pregnancies were uncomplicated and the boys are now 21 and 23.
I've just had DS2 at the age of 40 and most of the other new mums I know are late 30's. I wasn't married at your age either.
You sound lovely op, nursing your ex through his illness, I hope you find someone special. X

Justgivemesomepeace · 05/09/2017 06:55

I split with my ex at 33. Did a bit of on line dating and met my now dp at 38. Had a baby at 41. You've got plenty of time.

Badgoushk · 05/09/2017 07:03

Most of the Mums in my NCT group were early 40s. One was having her first baby at 44. That's 10 years away for you! You have time.

HMC2000 · 05/09/2017 07:06

I met dh a few days before my 36th birthday. He's much younger, so didn't think it would be that serious. We've been together for nearly 15 years, married for 10, and have a 10 year old child. There's time.

elmo1980 · 05/09/2017 07:39

Sorry you've been through such a tough time but there is hope. The best thing you can do is make a happy life for yourself first, not engineer your life around finding a man. You will only end up with someone for the sake of it which, believe me, is not going to work long term.

I left my exh at 34 as I decided I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be in an unhappy relationship (and I really wanted children so it took a lot of soul searching).

Then I met my current dp we have one ds and another on the way, all in the space of 3 years. It's amazing how quickly life can change so please don't give up but also don't panic or feel desperate. What will be will be.

TheNaze73 · 05/09/2017 07:40

I can see why but, I think you're panicking unnecessarily.

The guy who ended it in March must have picked up your desperation for marriage & children, which I think is the polar opposite of what a lot of men want just 18 months into a relationship. His actions since your split kind of back that up.

You still have lots of time on your side, take a step back from proactively dating for 6-12 months, enjoy life & reestablish who you really are. You'll more than likely meet a guy, when you aren't looking.

Good luck but, hold your nerve Flowers

KERALA1 · 05/09/2017 07:46

If you are sporty take up road cycling. It's the new golf for middle aged successful professional men. Join your local cycling club that's where they all are.

HMC2000 · 06/09/2017 16:50

Ooh yes, my friend met her husband cycling.

coffeelover1 · 06/09/2017 17:32

Sorry OP, I feel your pain. My ex DP constantly took me ring shopping and then after I confronted him admitted that he "did not believe in marriage" but wanted children. I am now enjoying being single and would recommend that you just take a moment and enjoy yourself.

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