Husband doesn't love me

[monkeynut12]

I know there are quite a few posts about this previously so apologies.

A month ago during a huge row I asked my husband if he still loved me... he said no. It hit me like a ton of bricks, it really was not the answer I expected.
There were then lots of tears from both sides and he went on to say that sometimes he feels like he does love me, then other days not.
I told him that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me and asked him to leave, but he begged and sobbed, desperate to stay. He said he wanted us to work at things and he wished he hadn't told me and that he doesn't want to leave me. I actually think he didn't want to leave the children- that's what upset him and what he couldn't bear.

So fast forward a month, each day since I have thought about what he said and it eats away at me, to the point I think I may not be IN love with him anymore, but I'm not sure. The thought of losing him makes me feel sick, like a feeling of dread, but a little part of me does wonder if we will be happier.

We have not spoken about it since, I have tried to raise the subject a couple of times but not got anywhere. Tonight we have had our first row since that 'fateful' night. He's upstairs at the moment, I'm quite calm, he got very angry and started shouting asking why I am causing the row and doing this to him and us... which is very typical him, it's always (and I mean always in his eyes) my fault for any argument we have.

I honestly don't know where to go from here, and to top it off we recently bought a house, I put the deposit down but the mortgage is in his name only... I assume if the worst did happen that I would be able to stay until the children are 18?

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So the house is in his name only?
Why? How much deposit did you put down? I'm astonished that he had it in his name only. Unless you have bad credit rating I guess and would have made s mortgage harder to get.

Is the actual house in both your names?

Sorry you are going through all this. It is shit.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but could it be the the didn't love you there and then?Do you not drift in and out of love? If someone asked me in the middle of a row, I very much doubt I'd be able to say I loved them.
I would get to CAB for legal advice re the house. You paid the deposit, your name should be on it too

I put the deposit down but the mortgage is in his name only

Why?

If you are legally married and live in the U.K. then your home is a marital asset and it doesn't much matter whose name it's in. Although it would be wise to register spousal interest st the land registry, just on the remote chance he tried to sell it. You can do this online at the land registry. Register an interest.

Go see a solicitor. Find out the facts. Think about what your life would be like after ending the relationship. How you feel about the future life will tell you a lot.

Sorry about the delay replying.

Firstly- it's in his name only as I have an old problem that is not yet off my credit file that would have made getting a mortgage more difficult, when it comes to remortgaging in a couple of years it will no longer be an issue and i will be added to the mortgage.

I do want to save our marriage- I think. He has since said that he only said he doesn't love me because he doesn't love me when we are rowing. I'm not sure if I buy that, he was his typical selfish, it's my problem that I have an issue with what he said and it's up to me to deal with it.
Why can't life be simple?!

How old are you? How long have you been married? How old are your children? How was your relationship up to the row where he said he doesn't love you?

You are definitely at a cross roads. You have to ask yourself what you want from the this marriage, and if you can get it. The main point I get from you is that you are confused and that you are not sure if you love your DH. You need to have a very honest conversation with yourself.

I am myself heading for divorce. For years I struggled with my DH never saying that he loved me, which of course led to me not wanting to say to him that I loved him. But eventually I stopped loving him. I kept telling myself that he had checked out of the marriage, but actually, so had I. I am now at a point where it doesn't hurt anymore. I do worry about the effect on the children, I am worried that they will hate me, but that is probably "just" the guilt of being the one that wants the divorce. I think my DH would stay married if he could, he is very worried about not being able to afford going on holiday, but that's just not enough for me.

Perhaps you can use my example? Ask yourself if you love him, and if you need to love him to stay married to him. Ask yourself if you are prepared to give the convenience of being married, ie. being parents and living together.

Because you are married, the house belongs to both of you regardless of who put down the deposit and whose name is on the mortgage. If you divorce, you will need to come to an agreement on how you split the equity in the house between you. There is absolutely no guarantee that you would be able to stay in it until the children are 18, if that left him homeless or unable to house himself adequately. Equally, it's unlikely that the equity would be split 50-50 if you need to house the children and have a lower income than him.

It is as well to be aware of stuff like this before you make any decisions.

Would he go to Relate or similar with you? I think he wants to stay married, you're wavering. I think there are some problems in your relationship, perhaps with the way he treats you or handles conflict. It may be possible to resolve these problems if you both want to and will listen to each other without getting defensive and angry and lashing out (which is what he was doing when he said he didn't love you) and I think you probably need a mediator to help you do that.

If the counselling leads you to think that you still want to split up, you must get legal advice about the splitting of assets, as although we can give opinions based on our own experiences and knowledge, we aren't legal experts and don't know your individual circumstances.