Mum excluding my family

[Kidsruinedmylife]

Need a bit of perspective as I've just woken up after a night shift and can't think straight! I've woken up to an excited message from one of my sisters to say that my mum is booking for us all to go to Cyprus next year for 10 days in a villa. "Oh wow!", thinks I, before comes the next message, " No men or kids".

My DM is single, as are 2 of my 3 sisters. My other sister has one daughter but does live a party lifestyle to a certain extent. I just don't. The holiday would definitely be "messy", fine. The thought of spending a week with my drunk mum does turn my stomach also!!

Cut to me, married for nearly 10 years with a husband and kids that I actually really like to spend time with. While I can of course understand the premise of a kids free holiday, it's not even to do with that but more the nagging constant exclusion of my husband and children from family 'get togethers'. My mum only ever wants it to be "me and my girls", she resents it when I remind her there's four people in MY family not just one- she has had a string of unsuccessful marriages and doesn't seem to be able to accept the fact that I am part of a (happy!) package. There have been lots of times when it's been "I'm doing a roast dinner but only you can come", etc etc. I usually decline on principle.Secretly I think she'd love it if anything happened and I became single again. Is this normal within families or am I being a miserable cow??

I don't think this is normal- yes some time alone with your mum/sisters is great, but your primary attachment is to your DH and kids, and it's quite odd that she won't accept (and welcome) this.

Wish them a lovely trip and holiday with your proper family. .

does she ever want to spend time with her GC?

Well I'm sure they will all have a lovely time, just as you will with your husband and children on YOUR family holiday.

She will spend time with them in very short bursts, sees them when she comes to visit, never takes them anywhere or anything really

And yes I shall wish them a lovely holiday and genuinely hope they have a good time, just a bit meh about the way it is though!

Yanbu but would give the holiday some consideration in agreement with DH

Just tell them you hope they have a lovely time and leave it at that.

Sounds like she is jealous of your happy marriage!

I sympathise with both sides to this, to be honest.

Life is built up with the assumption that people come in neat Noah's Ark pairs and it can be uncomfortable breaking free from this. I guess your mum is entitled to book a holiday she wants and you're entitled not to go on it.

I take it as read you've turned down her holiday invite and I would go on holiday with your own family unit instead.

Its your mother's normal and not necessarily normal within emotionally healthy families. This no men/no kids on holiday thing your mother has seems to be a direct result of her string of failed marriages and relationships. Your own happy marriage bucked that trend and she probably sees you in some ways as a threat to her existence. You're also seeing this from her on other occasions too; even Sunday lunch.

I think you are right in one important respect; she would indeed rather see you single and miserable then you can be just like her and revel in your own miseries. I would raise my boundaries a lot higher as of now with regards to your mother and further lessen all forms of contact with her.

I wouldn't go, 10 days is a long time. A long weekend in Spain might be different.

I think the idea of a mother-daughter holiday is reasonable and quite nice.

I think excluding your family from everyday stuff like roasts etc. is unreasonable and weird and offensive. Put the holiday in the context of that, I think it sounds quite nasty.

If the holiday was a one off, that would be fine. Excluding your children from Sunday dinners is not fine and other day to day stuff is not fine.

Any chance of going for some of it, but not the whole ten days?

My mom excludes me and my children from everything I agave 5 older siblings and they seem to be accepted much more than I am or my kids are. They all have their own children and things are always planned when they know that me and my kids are busy or can't afford something

Could you go for a long weekend?

Gosh she's not going to cope well if your other single sisters settle down.

It does sound like she'd rather pretend your DH and dcs don't exist, which you really don't need to play along with.

Don't bother calling her on it, decline all invites that don't include your children at least and stop bothering to invite her to spend time with your family if she clearly doesn't like them.

Do you go occasionally to her invites, just your dm and sisters?

I think a lot of behaviour stems from childhood. What was DM's childhood like. Is she jealous of her own siblings. Was she the scapegoat in the family etc etc
If you can work out what happened in her past and how it might of coloured her present behaviour it feels less that it is you that is the problem (which obviously you aren't) and you might feel more understanding and sympathetic so that the way she behaves towards your family is less hurtful.

She clearly has issues if she regularly excludes your DH and DC from roast dinners etc and you may never get to the bottom of what makes her behave like this. There is no magic wand to fix it. Of course it's hurtful.

Let her get on with it and concentrate on being happy with your own family. If you can get to this point your life will be so much easier!

Mother/daughter is ok.
Obviously your DH is never welcome. That's not.
Have you told her how it makes you feel?

Why should the OP go at all, her mum excludes her family from roast dinner FFS, that's not someone I'd want to spend time with.