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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do vile people always seem to thrive in life?

42 replies

LibbyLouLah · 04/09/2017 14:45

An ex friend of mine is a very manipulative, spiteful person who speaks her mind (ie says nasty things), and has tantrums and falls out with friends all the time if things don't go her way. In the time I've known her she has literally fallen out with every single mutual friend. I know a couple of her colleagues too and they moan about her and say she's nasty and unpleasant to work with and is unpopular at work, and doesn't actually do much work when she's there! She is still on my Facebook friends as I realised what she is like and distanced myself from her so there was minimal drama.

She absolutely bloody thrives in life! Despite falling out with various people on a weekly basis she seemingly always has new 'besties' to hang around with and go for weekends away with and have nights out with. She seems to get promotion after promotion at work. She seems to have pots of cash despite doing a job that isn't particularly well paid, and is part time, and always has the best of everything.

Basically despite being very unpopular and not very pleasant, she always lands on her feet!

I've known a few other people in the past that have been like this too; both were actually ex colleagues of mine and neither were very nice. Both were very unpopular, lazy at work and crap at their jobs, and fell out with people all the time. Yet they too had groups and groups of new friends all the time, got promoted at work, and just generally lived very charmed lives!

Why is is that this happens? It's annoying!

OP posts:
Anatidae · 06/09/2017 09:52

Hmmm... as far as I know there aren't many good laymans books. Maybe game theory and introduction by Steven Tadelis? How's your maths :) ?

There are courses at all the big MMOOC providers (Yale and Harvard and MIT for example for free.) just google their free online courses.

Not game theory but essential reading in general Machiavellianism - 'the prince'.
And of course the art of war - rather old, but still relevant today

loveandviolence · 06/09/2017 11:01

I had a friend like this a few years ago and it took me a long time to realise that her eventual treatment of me wasn't actually unusual. In the beginning we became close very quickly - she was charming, funny (but looking back, usually at the expense of someone else) and lived a seemingly glamorous lifestyle. She was overly generous , would do anything for you, and I'm ashamed to say, I was completely taken in by her for a while. It was all absolutely fine until a couple of months after I got married (she even lived in my house and drove my car while we were away on honeymoon!) and I got a promotion at work. We worked together and had been at the same level although in different departments. I realise now she must have been resentful that I'd been promoted before her as I've since found out from other friends, that the character assassinations she did on other people, dressed up as humour, she did the same about me. When I got pregnant it got even worse and she went from barbed comments about baby brain when we were in meetings together in front of colleagues, to completely cutting me dead - no acknowledgment at all, at work or otherwise.

By that point she'd also been promoted and it was difficult because there were still quite a few people who couldn't see what she was like, a bit like I had been earlier in our friendship. I had to keep a dignified silence about how I felt and what I knew she was like because I didn't want to come across as the one bitching - she was clever about protecting herself and I knew if I said anything about her, I would come across as the one in the wrong. She'd already turned another friend against me and I've since found out from other friends she also tried to turn them against me too. In a way she did me a massive favour as I know who my friends are now - they really struggled with telling me as they knew how upset I had been about the whole thing. I couldn't understand how our friendship had gone so wrong, and I didn't know what I'd done.

Luckily, in her bid to get fast promotions, she left the place we worked together for another promotion. Once she'd gone, it was like a pall had lifted. Unbelievably, I found out that NO ONE could stand her either, even her seniors. That just made it all the more staggering how she'd managed to get so far.

I'd kind of got over it and we hadn't been working together for a few months when my mum died. She knew this as I knew my colleague who was still working on a project with her, told her. She knew my mum, got on well with her, and she had come with me to stay at my parents one weekend. The fact she unfriended me on Facebook within a week of finding this out floored me. It's hard to accept that it was deliberately callous but I can't think of why else she would have done it at that time. She calculated the timing and effect of everything so it's unlikely it was random.

Anyway, I've heard she's moved jobs four times now in nearly as many years and has moved away from the area so I won't have to even see her. She's got a very senior position out of it but I can't help feeling she will keep doing the same thing and at some point she will get found out.

For a long time I thought I had done something 'wrong', but I now realise that she's done it to pretty much all her friends who can't offer her the lifestyle she wants. I thought she was joking but she once said, when we were still friends, that once I had a baby, we could no longer be friendsHmm

She doesn't have any of the friends in her life she had when we were friends so I can only imagine she's cut them out in the same way.

In a way, although it was a horrible thing that she did, I'm glad I've had the experience of finding out more about friendship, I'm less naive about people than I was and I've learned who my real mates are.

purplecollar · 06/09/2017 12:49

My own experience is that people don't want to cut ties because these people are

1 - Useful to know. They flit about everywhere due to their good communication skills and ensconce themselves on committees.
2 - It's easier to put up with it because if you challenge them, you'll know about it. They slag you off to others, making up lies about you, organising whole class events, leaving your dc out, generally finding petty ways to take revenge.

If you live in a small place, it's easier to tolerate them than take issue. All those people thronging round them don't actually like them.

numbmum83 · 06/09/2017 12:58

Sociopaths !
I have a family member exactly like this , never has friends for long but seems to always get new ones come along like buses . It's like she gets away with everything in life and lies through her teeth . She was up on a quite a serious charge a while back and the family tried to get me to take the rap for her , I refused . The person it was against had her friends as witnesses and still my family member was found not guilty!!! It DID happen. I was there and told the police in a statement this and still the judge let her off !
She was sacked from a bank for fraud and theft and ironically is becoming a social worker when she is an alcoholic and her own family life is far from perfect .. let's just say if I was a sw and I went into her life I would be putting HER kids on child protection...

She is a down right sociopath . Lies are just normal life to her and she's extremely toxic yet she gets further in her life than I do.
I refuse to be around her anymore . I cut her off last year and haven't looked back .

This is the advice ... cut them completely off .

Graphista · 06/09/2017 13:39

My sister with whom I am Nc (3rd and last time) is like this. We had a shit childhood but that's no excuse as same applies to brother and I and we're not like this.

But karma now biting her on arse. Parents only bother with her because of dgc, brother barely speaks to her, friends she's dropped along the way in last 10-15 years were mainly work colleagues - she's currently job hunting and can't get any but most basic reference, so even though she's qualified/experienced she's getting nowhere. Which is a shame for my dn's. Her current 'bestie' is I hear gradually having scales removed from her eyes but is young and immature. People sisters age (we're in our 40's now) generally have enough life experience to see through her OR they've heard how she's done people over. Lies are like breathing she even lies about the most ridiculous things.

When you're 'in' with her she'll do anything for you generous with time and money but the SECOND you disagree with her or say no to a favour she turns on you.

It's a rollercoaster just having her in your life. Treading on eggshells and analysing every communication.

I miss my dn's as she's banned me from having anything to do with them, but she was also treating my dd appallingly and I wasn't having that.

We're much better without her in our lives.

cueless · 06/09/2017 14:03
  1. they don't hesitate on using any means to get what they want, including bullying others
  2. they focus on appearances, and what matters is to put the right face on, which might fool evrybody
blueberrypie0112 · 06/09/2017 14:27

they hardly have any empathy, and other people do so they fear them. I wish lack of empathy didn't give them such power.

cueless · 06/09/2017 14:48

They are essentially narcissists. And if you want to know more why they thrive you can read this article (study why we seem attracted to them at first)

www.spring.org.uk/2010/02/why-we-loves-narcissists-at-first.php

hairuptoday · 06/09/2017 16:34

Why is is that this happens?

Because bullies get they way enough of the time. Drop the rope and unfriend her.

hollyisalovelyname · 06/09/2017 19:55

Bitches do better
Sadly

strangestdirection · 06/09/2017 19:57

So weird I've stumbled across this. Just had a falling out with someone and this is them all over.

Janni65 · 06/09/2017 20:10

I wonder though, in the wee small hours when they look at themselves in the mirror whether they really like what they see? I think a person who needs endless new friends can't actually bear their own company.

Doobigetta · 06/09/2017 20:43

Being prepared to say and do anything that will gain you an advantage or an "in" with the right people, without being held back by concerns about integrity, conscience, fair play or wanting to be liked by peers will get you a long way in a lot of work environments. I'm not necessarily talking about psychopathy, but a lack of self-awareness, maybe. For example a new "leadership" initiative is launched. It's total bullshit, and most people wouldn't be seen dead going along with it, so pay awkward lip service where they have to, or openly scoff. But the guy who prioritises impressing the boss and climbing the ladder above everything else will happily jump right on board with it, noisily, shamelessly and effectively, and get promoted as a result.

Doobigetta · 06/09/2017 20:46

I suspect as well that a fairly significant proportion of people aren't at all introspective, and don't make a habit of looking that deeply at what they've done. Especially if outwardly everything is going well, and they're being rewarded for their behaviour.

Timefortea99 · 06/09/2017 20:50

They thrive because they have resilience too. They get knocked down, they ping straight back up again, and take off in a new direction with no sentimentality.

Lweji · 06/09/2017 20:54

I'd guess she has a huge debt, or she shows off while scrimping on other areas.

Or, she's one who lives off her friends, till they fall out and she moves on to other targets.

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 06/09/2017 23:01

Glad to have found this thread, have been agonising over a similar situation myself recently. The person I am NC with is thriving despite the hurt and lies she has told. But I know that deep down she is full of anger, resentment and a huge sense of entitlement. Happy though? I doubt it. Actually - from what I have heard, I know she isn't because she rows all the time with people because of her grabby nature.
It's such a pity karma doesn't exist, really it is.

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