Trigger Warning - should I continue to avoid having anything to do with my DB?

[Mittens1969]

I've previously spoken about my DM and appreciated the advice. I'm back with a far more uncomfortable dilemma, which might be distressing for some of you.

The problem is that I can't face my DB. He has serious MH problems as a result of abuse all 3 of us suffered as children. Things happened to him as well, but he also did stuff to my DSis and me, as a result of him copying behaviour that our father was doing. I don't actually blame him; the police asked us if we wanted him prosecuted and we said no, so they're only going to interview him as a witness.

The other thing is that he's claiming not to remember much and certainly nothing of what our father did. He remembers one incident which was reported to the police before, but the CPS didn't pursue it. Our father wasn't involved in that.

We haven't actually told him anything and he still hero worships our father, visits his grave regularly and talks about him a lot. That itself makes it impossible for me to be around him. I'd find it so hard to listen without saying anything.

I can't talk to him, not for more than a few minutes, and my DH often takes over from me. He's constantly calling though, I feel awful as he's obviously missing having contact with my family. My DSis also feels like this, so we're both avoiding him.

Basically he makes my skin crawl; I do care for him but I can't help how I feel.

It's also impossible to have him around our DDs; he shouts at them, bumps into them and blames them for being in the way, and is generally surly. DD1 used to love being around him, but the last few times she shied away from him. We haven't seen him for more than a year now.

So what's your question?

It sounds like a complete no brainer to me.

The problem is that I find myself guilt tripped by my DM, who has always worried about him. She seems to have stopped that now, but she talks about his problems on the phone a lot.

When she's away, he calls a lot, in a panic, and I end up passing him over to DH, who DM had asked to help him with his money.

When he can't get hold of DM, he calls us to ask where she is (as if we would automatically know).

He's been diagnosed with residual schizophrenia, and is vulnerable. My DM is often away (in Africa, doing charity work), and she's also 78. So I feel like shit about it.

So your mother worries enough to badger you about him but not enough to give up her jaunts to help the poor unfortunates across the world?

Mrs Jellyby much?!

Your mother is worrying about the wrong people.

You need to toughen up and protect the people who are your responsibility (Your husband and children) from the people who are not (Your mother and brother)

Your feeling shit is pointless and self destructive. You are doing nothing wrong.

@MrsBertBibby, that's true. DSis and I feel that she's hiding from having to deal with her guilt over what happened in the past. It's very convenient timing iyswim.

I'm learning to be more assertive about it. I wouldn't have stopped seeing him in the past. But I saw blaming my DDs and my niece for being in his way when he's watching TV, beiing in his way when he bumped into them, and yelling at DD2 for 'exposing herself' when I was helping her clean up after doing a poo on the potty, at 3 (I know, we went for late potty training), was horrible.

She's always expected us to give him 'back up'. Now she says she'll sort out the finances so we're not having to be involved with that, but it doesn't really help, because it's like looking after a child.

And she keeps him without more than he actually needs at any given time, as he'll spend it on alcohol or on silly things. So of course he runs out of it and then he's back on the phone to us.

If we left it with SS a bit more, he has a key worker, then they might do more.

And as for her work, I do say to her, what will they do when you're no longer around anyway?

He has a social worker? Do they know your history?

This makes my blood boil. ExMIL used to run off to do charity work in Africa when her own family was falling apart. Then she'd guilt them into not feeling happier with their lot. She was just trying to buy a conscience at the expense of people in need, it disgusts me.

She should be protecting you by avoiding you having to deal with your brother at all. If he was perpetrator as well as victim then he's bound to make your skin crawl. You have no duty to him or her to make all that go away by helping him.

It seems you have enough to do dealing with your own experience. And you already have children. Your DM needs to get her act together and stop travelling when her son, and daughtets, need her to be a mother to them.
Hope you work something out that is better for you

Thank you, all. No, he doesn't have a social worker, he has a link worker with another organisation, but not much support.

We've had social services involvement though because of the DDs being adopted and they know about the past. (I've also had support for myself as well.)

I've sort of put up with my DM going away, I'm used to it, but when she's here she suddenly becomes all controlling.

She has tried to control the police investigation and nearly got herself in trouble for obstruction.

My DB has no memory of what he did, or what happened, he's always said. So until the last year we've said nothing to him.

I do believe him to a certain extent. My DSis and I buried all the memories ourselves, but it started when we were very young so we didn't understand what was going on.

I don't think anything happened to my DB, until he walked into a hotel room where we were being abused, that's the incident the incident the CPS investigated. He was 10 then. So it's harder to believe he doesn't remember anything.

The thing is it doesn't really matter whether he remembers or not. What matters is that your first second and third responsibilities are to your children, and by extension, you and your husband, as their parents.

Your mother and brother are compromising your ability to parent free of this past trauma. You can't change them, so cut them out.

The point about what he does or doesn't remember is the police investigation. They haven't interviewed him yet, so until they do I can't bring up anything to do with it. Or with my mum for that matter.

I know what you mean, neither of them will change. It's always been like this.

Thank you for your help with this.

I'd avoid him being around your dc.

Oh I totally agree

I'm in a similar boat myself but further down the line. My DB is likely to be convicted of sex offences when he goes to court.

I'm going to have to restrict access to my DC when he's found guilty (which he will be) obviously but tbh I'd be happy if I never saw him again.

His perpetual life crises are linked to his MH but I just have had enough. I'm exhausted by the impact he has on everyone but he is my DMs 'darling boy' and so it seems, to quite Mrs Bennett, we must all partake of his ruin.

Actually I'd like to scream and rant and run for the hills.

Hugs OP. You're doing the right thing xx

@TheHamptons, yes that's exactly how it is with my DM, she's always sorted his life out for him, so he can't do anything for himself literally. It's all contradictory, though, because she neglected us all emotionally growing up, she just wasn't around. So she is partly to blame for the way he is, though obviously not in the way my father was.

When I told her that I'd told the police about him, her only concern was that he might go to prison because he 'wouldn't cope'. She even asked me to try and find out in advance what might happen to him. She didn't ask how I was feeling after doing it.