Been given the cold shoulder ??

[castaside]

Dont really know whats happened. I made friends with new mummys at parent craft classes about 7 mths ago. It took awhile to get everyone socialising , but we started seeing each other every week smae time same place. However I became closer to one in particualr as we are in the same type of work.lets call her A. I found her to be interesting and quite helpful , always givinfg me tips and ideas on how to approach my work. She was always very sweet and came over with gifts for me or my dd.we spoke alot and always texted each other. I have several other social groups. But I always made time for her. Ive been going through a difficult time with motherhood/ PND / DH etc and have had some pretty bad days so I confided in her.

The last few weeks she seems to have held me at arms length; not answering her phone to me, not texting me and when i try to make arrangements shes now always busy and cant make it. Ive asked her out on evenings and at the last minute shes let me down.Or has a reason why she cannot come in the first place. The things is that when I do see her and aske her whats shes been up to , she tells me how shes been out with other friends to the cinema and drinks etc. So it make me wonder why shes doesnt wnat to go out with me or even ask me out. Shes told me I need constant contact with people and she cant do so much as I would like to, but that doesnt seem the case with others. I said to her that yes I like to socialise and be out with others as Id reather not stay at home alone all the time, especially with past PND. She now constantly blows hot and cold with me.

Ive had an upset with one of the other girls in the grp call her girl B , who refused my very casual offer of dinner at my house , cos she has older friends she doesnt see and only wants to be friends with all of us as mummys in a grp and no more. So friend A said she wasnt sure if she wanted to socialise with her anymore, but subsequently has told me now that she meets up with her ??????!!!!! We had an afternoon with all the girls at A's house , I said that i had to go home early as I dint have dd's dinner. Instead of asking me to stay and shed make something , she just stood in kitchen with girl B . When I asked about all getting togther again she said she was busy the day we all normally meet. Didnt even offer any other day and left it at that. I had no choice but to leave as she didnt volunteer I stay. Never came to see me to the door , just stood there with girl B. Which makes me think that they are in cahoots on something??

Im so confused , rejected and dont know what Ive done. I asked her if i was to intense sometimes and she said dont be silly , but I wonder now If may be I have put her off??? should I send her and email?? she normally replies to those. i dotn know what to do. my sister said not to persue it anymore ,as she doesnt seem very trustworthy, but I thought I had found an interesting friend.

castaside, agree you should back off, go to the group meetups when it's convenient for you and see how things go from there. I take it all of your group got to know each other at the same time?

It could be that friend A is one of those people who pick and choose their friends with an ulteriour motive - perhaps friend B is well connected in friend A's eyes or is useful to her in some way. So it's not just a simple liking you as a person or not type of thing. I've known some seemingly nice, in the level people who are like this - friendship also means networking to them. Sorry if this is what's happening in your case. Try not to take it personally. It's friend A's loss, not yours.

I had thought that may be she chooses people.Its just not nice to be the one thats not chosen !! Yes it is surprising how childish soem people are, I thought having kids changed people or made them grow up, but not the case here.

I now have to choose time and place tommorow after sending the text to them that Beetroot suggested!! But girl A has chosen not to reply to me AT ALL yet.

Why not have the meetup on your territory - your home - make them come to you

Actually I would do the opposite to Papillon's suggestion, although I can see her point as you will be more confident in your own home. I would pick somewhere neutral like the park or whatever, and then when you turn up say how nice it is to see everyone but you can't stay long and then go after 40 mins or so.

It does sound to me as though A likes being friends with you but doesn't want to be a close friend - she just a bit clumsy about getting her point across. I don't think you should feel rejected or anything, if you think of it objectively you should feel sorry for her because you're warmer and more open than she is. The buzz word of the moment is 'emotional intelligence' and she probably has lower EI than you do.

Im not feeling good today so have cancelled our meet up today, via text, as that seems to be the way they want to communicate. Now neither have replied to me , this is horrible , im so upset with giving it energy, but I hate that feeling of not knowing whats going on and why I now have to be ignored its so draining. I also have a book from girl A and im not sure how to return it as I really dont wnat to see her as I feel so uncomfortable now not knowing what she really thinks of me.

oh sweetie. It is such a shame this has happened. It isn't you. You are lovely and friendly and fun to be with (even if you do make me crash my car)
Was it just this situation that got you down so you didn't want to go out today or is something else not right ?
Big hug

lol poor car what did it doo !!!

No just feel tired and yuccky,Thank you for asking, done too much this week , went out last night too and shouldnt feeling ill really. Im just not in the mood for them today either. Dh at home ill too with flu.

I might just post her book if I can find her address. Thats a real cold shoulder back so may be I should phone and ask . Oh I dont know what to do. GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Thank you for the hug xx

castaside - drive round (ideally with someone else) to hers when you are genuinely on way to somewhere else - don't let her know you are coming before hand, and just say you are quickly popping it back in.

hope you let A + B know that you were recovering from an exciting night out with other friends!

Unfortunatley I said i was just feeling ill with heavy cold lurgy and will have to re arrange for next week. But I did say I have another appt at 2:00 , so didnt seem I was quite sorrowful.

Good idea about book , hope shes in , wont be very polite to leave it on porch. Quite important book for her. Ive stained it accidently and even bought her a fresh new replacement.

I really sympathise and the advice here is fab. I would add that I was surprised when I read that you wanted to drop the book round secretly. That sounds just as childish as the things your friends have done. It won't build bridges it will make things weirder. At the end of the day your friend lent you that book out of friendship and it is polite to return it nicely too. She might be hugely pleased that you are building bridges rather than sulking.

Friendships with girls are so hard but I reckon you might be able to give these friends another go. As the others say, just calm it down a bit and get out and meet other friends. When you see a and b be pleasant and not heavy and maybe suggest fun things to do. If you decide not to be friends with them then at least you will know you could do no more and you behaved perfectly.

I wouldn't leave it on the porch if she is out, but wait and see if you do meet up again in the near future. Newgirl - I wasn't meaning Castaside to drop the book off "secretly" per se, but keep things as light as possible. The reason I suggested Castaside not phone first was to avoid getting into any heavy conversations as Castaside is feeling vulnerable atm.

I think theres been a misunderstanding here. I never suggested that mummytosteven had said to drop it round secretly.That was not implied by either comments. I just wrote my own thoughts down, If you re read it Newgirl, I said I DIDNT think it was very polite to leave it their secretly. I even bought new one for her, does that not show you my integrity as a person???

I brought this to mumsnet for support as Im feeling hurt. I wouldnt say Ive been sulking. Im just confused and upset with the situation. Ive actually made sure im seeing other people and making other arrangments. Is it my fault if I throw a line out and they dont take it??

Still no word from either of them , charming . If I get a text saying someones ill, including the baby, then I would always ask after them. I felt so sick and upset about it all ast night it took reading about a car crash in my book last night to set me off on near full sacle panic attack sobbing and hyperventilating & I havent had one for months .Im so upset with myself and with the siutation. Why am I sooo obsessed by it when i have great family and other good friends who I care about and care about me.

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad, but maybe, just maybe you are getting this out of proportion and assuming all sorts of things about your friend's motives that simply aren't there. Remember, you cancelled your meetup, not them, so it is perfetly possible that they feel as if you are pushing them away. That may not be accurate, but none of us are mindreaders (though most of us think we are ). Also, in your text I think you said you had an appointment at 2pm, so that might have given them the impression that you weren't very ill at all, so it's possible they are stewing and thinking you just blew them out because you had something else planned. People do jump to conclusions. Also you said you'd contact them to rearrange, so perhaps they are waiting for that. All I'm saying is, don't assume the worst, and don't assume that other people are acting out of malice. That's rarely the case. Most of the time people live in their own bubble and we do things absolutely for our own reasons, not to affect other people. You are, I think, seeing a lot of what these two people do as aimed at hurting you, and I tend to suspect that's unrealistic. Because you are thinking about them a lot, doesn't mean they are thinking about you all the time, and that doesn't necessarily make them bad people. Who knows, perhaps they are trying to drop you, perhaps they aren't, but you honestly don't know and you honestly don't know their motives. Perhaps they do find you a little intense, and have problems of their own right now, maybe that hasn't occurred to them and they don't. Remember rejecting your offer of dinner wasn't a rejection of you as a person, and you might be happier if you can not take it personally. And I know it's easier said than done, but don't get anxious about returning the book - it's just a book! Why not call her and be totally honest, say you've finished the book and wondered how she'd like you to return it. Do whatever you'd do if you weren't feeling upset and emotional.

Oh Castaside, I am sure the rational side of you knows that this friendship is not worth the heartache it is causing you but I also know what it feels like to try not to worry about something but you can't stop thinking about it!

For whatever reason (they are not nice people/ they have misunderstood something/ they have poor social skills) these people are not adding to the quality of your life so really the best thing would be consciously try to stop thinking about it - and everytime they creep into your thoughts, stop replying things in your head and consciously stop the thought track and think about something else and keep doing this until you find that you really have moved on and are not thinking about the situation at all.

As for the book, just ring the doorbell and say you can't stop but would like to thank her for the loan of the book and to return it to her. Don't go in the house - just hand it over at the doorstep and say you have to rush.

Gosh, castaside, thats quite a difficult one. Sorry you are feeling rejected, its horrible. Its difficult to reach any conclusions without knowing more. It could be that she is simply a fickle sort of person who flits from one person to another. In which case, she probably won't be a very good, reliable friend.
Do you go out with other friends as well? Her comment about constant contact suggests that she wants to retreat to an extent. Could it be (and this is only a possibility) that she was starting to feel a bit too responsible for you not being on your own too much?
You have already tried to talk to her and a real friend would, IMHO, respond to that.
Sounds like you should maybe back off a bit. Limit your invitations to her and cultivate other friendships - you are obviously someone who can take the trouble to put yourself out and make friends.
Sorry if this isn't all that helpful, I am sure some more advice will be along very soon

It's a tough one isn't it, because you really can't tell why she's cooled off with the friendship. I would just be light and breezy about it to give her a bit of space. Be pleased (but not over the top) to see her when you happen to meet up, don't try to organise any meet-ups with her, in fact I wouldn't organise anything just go along with any group stuff that might be happening. Make it clear that you're happy to see her, but that you also have lots of fun when she can't meet up. Don't probe as to why she doesn't want to meet up, or as for an analysis of your friendship or imply that she's letting you down in some way as she may feel pressured.

It's more than likely nothing to do with you, she may just be a moody type of person. She may not want or need a close personal friendship, she might prefer to be part of a group. I know, for instance, that I wouldn't want to have a 'best' friend that I saw everyday and did everything with, I prefer to have lots of friends that I see less frequently. There may be something in what you've been talking to her about that brings up bad memories, or perhaps she feels she should be able to advise you (as she has about your job) but doesn't know how.

Whatever, the people on mumsnet are very friendly, so we'll be your friends when your real life ones are acting strangely.

As I said to a very lovely friend of mine recently. If she doesn't want to be friends with you then it really is her loss.

Brans advice is very sensible, be friendly when you see her and let her know you are busy out and about. If A & B are really so childish as to "gang up" against you then you are really better off out of this triangle.

Would agree with your sister.

Thank you all , I know you are correct in what you say , and her aparrent behaviour does seem very fickle as Pes says. I probably wont contact her, but I cant help feeling a bit dejected, rejected and paranoid as to why shes gone like this. As Bran said why would she just suddenly cool off. You are right Kayliegh it is their loss not mine as I dont need people who are going to treat me like that in my life. Us mums have enough stress to deal with. I do have other friends to see and make arrangemtns with,so Im not reliant now , as Im makng an effort with others. but I always feel strange when these things happen, like I cant let it lie.

Despite this girl B has sent me a sickly sweet fake sounding text now saying "are we lovely ladies getting together this week" and I dont know how to reply or wether I want to see them, as she doesnt normally talk like that.

agree with beety, don't go running

Hi there Castaside - you've had some really great advice on this thread. Don't be disheartened - these things happen - just concentrate on your other friends, and avoid this dodgy gang and their schoolgirl games - go to the weekly meet ups if you are comfortable with that, but don't contact A apart from that - there's lots of lovely MNetters (including me) who would love to be your friend, and you have plenty of RL friends . Friendship groups where what you've got in common is the kids can be a bit fraught IMHO. Also in my personal experience friendships with just one person that become really close very quickly tend to crash and burn (but maybe that's just my intense personality for you!). Let these girls know that you have plenty of more interesting things to do than hang out at their houses! Take care

Thanx again girls , I like you short message beetroot , I find it difficult to be light with people when this has happened ,as its very draining to the self esteem. What would I do withought mumsnet.

They sound really childish. Don't let them get to you x

Hi there

I wanted to say sorry to castaside if I upset you. I didn't mean to say something stupid - I meant to try and make you think positively about it all as it sounds like you do want to be friends with a and b and want it to be fixed and fun again. I used to have pnd and I think it made me over sensitive to things my friends said so I think i was projecting my own thoughts into your very similar situation.

Maybe this is an example of when people can say or do stupid things and really did not mean to be horrid!! take care