Am I overacting for feeling like I can't forgive what he said?

[ListenToYourHeart]

There's a massive back story as me and dp have for a long time struggled to not argue about nearly everything but I need to just get the current thing out as it's really upset me.

When I first met DP I had a DD from a previous relationship, because I was a SAHM until she was around 5 I hadn't really had a career but was working a job that suited me in terms of hours, the wage was around 15k so not much but it was enough to pay my half of the bills with DP, save a couple hundred a month and still live a decent/comfortable lifestyle.

Anyway me and DP have been together a few years when last year I fell pregnant, it wasn't fully planned but we both was happy. DP wanted me to be a SAHM, I wasn't sure at first as I'd got used to having my own money and being financially independent. Id left a previous relationship with nothing due to being a SAHM so I was nervous.

DP made 2 promises when I was pregnant, 1 being that if I gave up my job to care for the baby we would open a joint bank account so I would feel like I still had some money etc. I still wasn't sure.

Then work made 5 redundancies out of only 8 staff, I had a frank conversation with my boss and she said the business was failing, they was in a lot of debt and they were thinking of closing down, this was around a month before I was due to go on maternity leave, they assured me I'd get my SMP but said they wasn't sure what was gunna come of the business over the next 6 months.

I had some pregnancy related illness and was really stressed with a bunch of other stuff going on so I took my maternity leave a month early, I felt like I was in a really vulnerable position and DP started again about making the decision to be a SAHM so I agreed. Whilst on maternity leave I handed in my notice.

Now DD is 8 months old, and DP has made me feel so unequal, inadequate and I don't feel part of any decision making anymore.

In February I asked for us to sort the joint account, he told me he had changed his mind, instead of a joint account he would give me £200 a month to cover some of the shopping and anything I needed for myself, my daughter and baby. I said but this wasn't what we agreed and I didn't feel it was fair that I would have no control over finances and that he knew that was a big thing to me before deciding to leave my job, so instead I've been using my savings for myself and just let him pay the bills/shopping/etc.

Coincidently he's had big progression in his job and has gone from around 20k to 33k. Since this his changed, I can't put my finger on why but he makes me feel worthless, any decisions that get made he keeps separate from me and they all fall down to "well I'm paying the bills".

He had a bad credit rating due to debt, he has very recently sorted this so wants to get something big on finance, I said in my opinion it was a bad idea, and this has caused a massive argument. Where again I've been reminded I'm the gf who stays at home and looks after the baby not makes decisions on how he spends his wage.

We need to move soon and today I brought up something regarding this, he turned it back to the argument about getting something on finance.

Anyway today he snapped at me and said
"You're just jealous cause my life is progressing and yours ain't"

So I took my older DD and walked out, we've come to the cinema where I've had tears stream down my face cause him saying that has summed up exactly how he's been making me feel for the past 7months.

I've told him he makes me feel inadequate to him and I've tried saying that we should be a team and that he wouldn't be able to balance work as easy if he had to be childcare as well as me if I went back to work.

But he's changed so much since DD has been born, I love being a SAHM to her but I feel broken inside because I don't have a income I'm worthless.

I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to go home to him, I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore.

Sorry for the long ramble, and if it don't make sense. I think I just needed to get it out and don't have anyone in RL to talk to.

I just hate him right now, I wish I didn't have to come home to him tonight.

I know he will be the classic dad you eat about in mumsnet, he will hide as much of his income as he can to avoid CM and he will play the typical Disney dad as he does that now when we've been arguing.

I hate how he's sitting there acting like his done no wrong and that I'm the bad person, I've come back and he don't even have the decency to apologise for upsetting me. Instead his acting like he's hard done by.

It sounds like he thinks he has 'trapped' you as you have children with him and no access to 'your own' money. Completely false!! As Pp said, tax credits etc as a single parent are very helpful (also speaking from experience) pleas don't let him abuse you like this. Be strong for your children get everything straight in your head and ltb ❤️❤️

Hear about on mumsnet* bloody autocorrect

Please don't blame yourself.Abusive men behave very differently until they perceive you to be trapped.The switch can be quite dramatic and leaves you reeling.

You have had good advice about planning to leave.He may try being kind for a period of time but its unlikely to last.You didn't deserve this.

I couldn't live with this man Lady... you have to make your own plans.. for you and your children now

is there no child maintenance paid by your older dd's dad? if not that needs addressing. you will be entitled to 15% child maintenance from this guy - he can't hide his money if he is employed. with two lots of child maintenance plus a salary you will be absolutely fine financially.

it's more about the emotional side and building up your self esteem and resolve really. there is no way you should or need to put up with this treatment. you need to get to believing that and making it clear to him that you won't be putting up with it.

@TheHoneyBadger

My exdp for my older daughter pays around £130 a month which was calculated by the child maintenance people well They calculated it at £146 a month which I accepted but ex only pays £130 a month for the past 6 months and the only way to address it is by going back to o child maintenance and going through collect and pay, however they now charge a fee to both the payer and receiver so I would still loose out on some money. But I've come to accept the £130 a month is better than nothing as at one point ex purposely gave up his job and claimed JSA so that he only had to pay £7 a week.

I know I need to work on my self esteem, I can't believe after everything I went through leaving my ex I've ended up in a similar situation. But I was with my current DP 3ish years before I fell pregnant, and he showed no signs of being like this about money. It's literally like a switch flicked since I become a SAHM, and it's only got worse since his wage has increased.

What has been happening to your maternity pay? I hope it's not been going in his account?

He would have to pay half towards childcare, if he didn't then that shows what type of "man" he really is and personally I'd just leave.

Keep looking for work, he's a prick who will never see you as "equal"

Sorry you're in a tough situation op, this is another example of why it's important to marry before having kids. Good luck for the future

You need to leave this abusive man. If my ex was paying less than the legal minimum CMS I would report him even if I came out with the same amount because he would deserve to pay an additional 20% for fleecing his own child. You sound strong and capable. You will be fine without this latest edition loser.

well £130 from one dad plus you'll get at least £250 from current partner plus child benefit and tax credits plus salary will see you fine for money once you get work and get rid of this guy.

the collect and pay bit generally doesn't have to happen - you tell child maintenance people he's not paying they then threaten him that unless he pays it will have to be collect and pay which he quickly realises will be a hell of a lot more for him (the fees are much more for him than you) and he stumps up the small bit extra he is meant to be paying. you can have direct pay through child maintenance without paying anything and anytime he doesn't pay they have the threat of fees up their sleeve. trust me i thought it was going to be a nightmare because i have no contact with my son's father (his choice not be in his son's life) but was very straightfoward and under the new system they actually review their pay regularly to see if it should go up whereas the old system didn't and refused to check.

this is all just money stuff i know but at least when we look realistically at the money stuff you know that on that side alone it is definitely possible and safe to leave this guy.

it also allows you, if you feel able, to say to him you know what this is what you agreed to and this is what you have done and i cannot live in poverty and dependency like this and risk mine and my children's financial security in the future. if i leave you my situation will be 'x' so if you were in my shoes what would you do? leave or stick around and beg someone for money who has broken their agreement with you?

make it his choice if he is reasonable or if he would prefer to leave right away.

Thank you for that info regarding child maintenance, I'm going to give them a call this afternoon.

Well 'D'P ain't speaking to me, no good bye this morning when he left for work, no text he usually sends when he arrives. He's probably waiting for me to apologise, and I'm not caving this time. I know I'm not trapped I'm just scared to go it alone I guess. But when I feel angry and upset like I did yesterday I feel like I'd be 10x better alone.

To the poster who asked about my maternity pay, this finished in August but no it was not going into his account, I used this to pay my own bills and go halves on food shopping, plus I bought most of the baby and my older DDs stuff and I saved anything left over cause I didn't feel comfortable how things were.

I'm so confused as to what steps to take first. We need to move in November, and have been currently looking at places around an hour from where we live now (currently I live near my family) but the rents too high here. I don't know whether I should begin looking for a rental myself that would suit my budget as I wouldn't be able to afford the rents we've been looking at on my own and most of them say they wouldn't accept HB. Hopefully I wouldn't need HB though, I've applied for both full and part time jobs in both the area I live in now and the area we was looking to move too. Just everything's that bit more difficult cause we need to move soon, I don't know if I should tie myself to a 1 year tenancy with him when things are the way they are, where I don't even have a say on the house we'd be moving in to.

I started to reply earlier but did not get a chance to finish.

I wanted to say that his head needs a good wobble. Your household income cannot be much less than it was, as he has had a pay rise and you are doing the childcare. So he has a promotion, a new baby and a partner who is looking after the home. Why is not over the moon at his good fortune?!?

Instead, he is putting you down and using his position as a means of control, when you are financially vulnerable. He is not hard done by! You SAH was a joint decision. Plus, I note you say that you struggle not to argue. That cannot be good for your well-being, or the DC.

At the moment, you reasonably have time away from work as you have a new baby. Be glad he has shown his true colours when this just looks like a maternity gap and not a longer career break. My strong advice would be not to sign a joint rental away from your family in November. But you need to start doing the sums about what you can afford yourself. The CAB should be able to advise.

Someone asked upthread if you could stay with your parents for a bit. That might help take the pressure off whilst you get back on your feet. You might be able to work things out with him, you might not. But he does not sound the kind of man you should be dependent on.

Don't tie yourself to another tenancy with him. It will just make things harder.

Look for an exit to this relationship, don't sign a new tenancy agreement, have a look at entitledto.gov (?) and see what you're likely to get and then at least you know what's what

Well he's walked out tonight.

Apparently he's done with me, he got pissed off cause I had a chat with his mum, which I guess is fair enough.

According to him it's all my fault, I don't have sex with him enough, that's why he don't feel we should have a joint account.

I know I should hate him, but I feel so broken inside. I feel used and betrayed and like he never cared at all.

But according to him it's all me, I've made him feel under appreciate, ugly, used, hurt, unhappy etc.

According to him it's all my fault, I don't have sex with him enough, that's why he don't feel we should have a joint account.

That sounds borderline prostitution

He's probably just doing this to threaten you and make you beg him to come home. He probably even thinks you'll promise him sex on demand because you'll be so worried he'll leave again if you say no.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this is a good thing.

I know I should hate him, but I feel so broken inside. I feel used and betrayed and like he never cared at all.

Sending hugs and sympathy. It IS a shock.

You're right that he's used and betrayed you. And it hurts. In the long run he's done you a favour.

Is there anyone in RL who can come be with you? Family or friends?

He's done this so you will beg for him back and make changes so HE will be happier and have to change nothing about himself or your situation. Be smarter and let him leave. Find someone when the time is right who values you and treats you as an equal not the house keeper/nanny.

What sort of person goes back on a promise to have a joint account because they aren't having sex enough?! That's actually a really strange way to think and shows exactly what kind of person he is!

He wants you to be the good little wife at home with no life or money while he's the big man "taking care of his family" and you should be so greatful and give him sex on tap and take care of the house and children because that's your job! Sounds like a shit life if you ask me.

He's scraping bottom of barrel here with his pathetic excuses for refusing you access to family money!!

He went back on an agreement to open a joint account when discussing in advance a decision made by both of you for you to be a SAHM.
Absolutely nothing to do with sex and frankly quite sickening to think he sees sex as a monetary transaction with mother of his child!

He was quite happy to throw pocket money at you 50 pounds a week in return for childcare housekeeping sex and no input on how he spends the family income. I'd let him leave good luck to him

that is really rough. It truly is not you, it is him. It's not sex for money in a joint partnership.

Take some time to get over the shock, but know you will get through this and be better off. I am really sorry.

He cant 'work' and expect you to work looking after the kids yet he keeps hold of the money. If you werent the mother of those children, you would be a nanny of two children, thereby enabling him to do his 'work'. Nannies are paid c£10/hr. You are working. Inform him of what your time and work looking after the kids is worth.

He sounds a real charmer

I was with my ex for years before I plucked up the courage to get rid. I always said I couldn't afford to. Well I didn't have a choice (drug abuse) so he had to go. I would've lived in a bedsit with my dc, because my mental wellbeing was priceless.

With the right support, you CAN do this OP, and DO NOT let him convince you otherwise. He is an absolute shit, and you ARE and ALWAYS will be, worthy of more.

Everything that's been said is exactly right.

I said to him I can't even work out where the connection between a joint account and sex comes from.

I've had a long think, got the DDs ready for bed and got on with the night and guess what... he comes home because he forget the charger and now is just pottering around the house.

I'm not being treated this way, I've had a good chat on to my mum and cleared my head and I don't feel all the silly heart break. I don't want a life where I'm just good to look after the kids and have sex with.

In the mean time I'm going to throw myself into finding a new job and finishing my driving lessons. I've also had a look on the Internet about tax credits etc.

And to the poster who said about the nanny and charging £10ph! That's train of thought has been in my head all day.

He thinks his life is progressing, but this really has given me a huge wake up call about my own life. No more am I caring about his needs or his thoughts and I don't even want a joint account now, I want my own money and my own life.

Thank you so much to all you lovely posters who have really helped me