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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I end this?

25 replies

Takeittothelimit792 · 03/09/2017 13:34

Four years ago I started sleeping with one of my good friends regularly. I absolutely adore him. I'm not in love with him, but I care about him a lot. In fairness to him, he has always maintained that he doesn't want a relationship (with anyone).

We text most days and he sleeps at mine every couple of weeks or so. I know he doesn't want a relationship, though if he did I'd be very willing to be in one with him (I think). He slept at my house last night and mentioned another woman he's slept with recently. I know I can't expect him to be faithful, we're not together, but for some reason I thought he wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else.

I need to stop seeing him don't I? I don't want to lose him from my life, but I'm being stupid continuing with it, aren't I?

OP posts:

Brahms3rdracket · 03/09/2017 13:51

I think you're massively in denial about your true feelings for your friend and will, most likely, get very hurt. I would stop everything now before you're in any deeper.

SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 13:52

End it.

IfYouHappenToSee · 03/09/2017 13:54

Yes.

The number one rule when you have a friend with benefits, is that feelings are off the table.

As someone whose had a few, I would feel very betrayed actually if someone had developed feelings and continued regardless.

Lalalanded · 03/09/2017 13:55

Agree with Brahms - end it, and tell him why.

If he does have feelings for you, he will move heaven and earth to make it right, formalise the relationship. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

Would recommend you always get a tick in the 'what are we and what are the boundaries' box ASAP to avoid an ambiguous situation.

IfYouHappenToSee · 03/09/2017 13:57

I don't want to lose him from my life

You don't have to. You only have to drop the sex bit.

I'm still really good friends with my exFWBs.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 03/09/2017 13:58

You do need to end it. A proper FWB = no romantic feelings otherwise someone gets very hurt. Do get an STI test done as well as a smear test. He's probably been seeing others all along.

Original poster

Takeittothelimit792 · 03/09/2017 14:02

I'm certain he won't formalise it. IfYouHappenToSee I didn't set out to have a friends with benefits situation, he's always known I've got feelings for him and always known that I'd like a relationship with him.

I wouldn't mind but about 2 years ago I met someone I really liked and thought it might go somewhere (it didn't) so I told my friend it was over with him. He accused me of having been cool with him over the previous month, which I suppose I had been. He then got in touch with me more times than he ever had been before, things didn't work out with the other man and I ended up back in the same situation. I don't understand why he just didn't leave me alone then if he didn't want me, which he clearly doesn't.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 03/09/2017 14:12

This is really straight forward. This is nothing too end.

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship, he's a grown adult who's chosen to sleep with many people (he's not been dishonest) & fair play to him. Listen to what he says

Original poster

Takeittothelimit792 · 03/09/2017 14:25

End the texting every day and him sleeping at mine I mean. I always thought we would end up in a relationship. I totally agree that he's never been dishonest, I just convinced myself it would eventually become more.

I found out I was pregnant in January and had an abortion mostly because that's what he wanted. I regret it hugely and it's been really hard to recover from. I think back now and while I've spent so many nights crying over that he's been out at the same time shagging other women. I know he's done nothing wrong, I just feel deflated because I'd deluded myself into thinking we had something we didn't, and as Brahms said, need to walk away.

OP posts:

Brahms3rdracket · 03/09/2017 14:28

Omg he's not even your friend, he's horrible. A friend wouldn't be happy to have sex with you knowing you want a loving relationship, he's a user op, drop him like a stone and get fully tested. As someone said upthread he will have always been sleeping with others.

Original poster

Takeittothelimit792 · 03/09/2017 16:44

Yeah, I expect he will have been. What a waste of four years.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 19:52

I agree with the others... end this lady

DownTownAbbey · 03/09/2017 20:05

So he sabotaged your relationship with another man?

Sounds like he likes knowing you're emotionally invested and gets off on stringing you along. He gets his freedom and has you dangling on the hook for sex and ego massages when he wants.

If he was genuinely your friend (with or without benefits) he wouldn't have wedged himself in between you and your boyfriend. That's just nasty.

NotTheFordType · 03/09/2017 20:11

Why is it a waste of 4 years? You've been stringing him along surely - pretending you weren't interested in a relationship and you only found him sexually attractive, not romantically. He told you what he wanted and you ignored that and thought you could make it into something more. You're like the guy who complains he's been "friend-zoned".

That probably sounds harsh. But if you're at a place where you're regretting having a friendship with him because he wouldn't put out and make it official, then you've been using him for the past 4 years and you need to stop.

Blushingm · 03/09/2017 20:14

I'm watching this with interest as I'm in a very similar situation - yet we are now 'together' but more so because his family convinced him he wouldn't get better than me and pof didn't work out for him

Original poster

Takeittothelimit792 · 03/09/2017 21:59

NotTheFordType, I'm not sure which part of my post you're struggling to comprehend, but to spell it out in a manner in which you'll hopefully be able to understand... I did and do want him and a full relationship. I'm not sure what planet you're on in which you think that's me leading him on. I have never pretended I'm not interested in him, he's always known I am. Presumably you're incapable of understanding my posts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Takeittothelimit792 · 03/09/2017 22:16

DownTownAbbey, to be fair to him I found out that the other man was still married. But he didn't know that, he just wanted me to still want him p.

OP posts:

lollipop7 · 04/09/2017 05:57

Goodness me, this is only ever going to end in tears. A lot of them. All yours.

He is emotionally unavailable, has both told you and shown you by his actions that he is using you for sex and ego massaging. He is preventing you from forming a genuine relationship or having meaningful experiences with other men because he likes having his cake and eating it.

You also seem in real jeopardy of allowing his shabby treatment of you to influence the kind of man you are settling for outside of this toxic set up with him i.e. Married ones.

Please cut him loose. Please also have a proper break from men of any sort and work out what is important to you and what you think make you happy or happier. Set some standards and expectations for yourself and take ownership of your future. It's hard at first but you will soon realise being alone and having a clear head is better than this.

Don't waster another year of your life on this self absorbed peculiar person

user1480334601 · 04/09/2017 07:38

I agree with others you need to end and go no contact, as while ever you are in love/seeing him you are closing yourself off to meeting someone who will love you back and you can build a real relationship with

debbs77 · 04/09/2017 08:00

Goodness me, you even got pregnant and had an abortion? I would walk away from him, get to the clinic and also get some counselling. Big hugs z

IfYouHappenToSee · 04/09/2017 09:39

I think NotTheFordType was suggesting you were 'leading him on' by pretending you weren't interested in a relationship when you were. Or were happy with a casual sex/fwb arrangement when you wanted more.

Having been in fwb arrangements, I do empathise with this position. On each occasion we entered into the arrangement with the caveat that there were no real feelings so that no one could get hurt. Neither of wanted to have to deal with emotional stuff.

But you have said that you made it clear that you did want a relationship eventually.

So I think he's been a bit disingenuous in allowing it to continuing whilst also knowing that that was giving you false hope.

rosareine · 04/09/2017 10:00

This definitely needs ending.

I think he enjoys knowing you are emotionally attached to him. He doesn't sound like a nice person. Texting everyday and sleeping over makes it feel like more then a fwb situation. Plus he upped the contact when you were close to meeting someone else. He's a game player.

Cut him off he's really not a friend.

TheFlis12345 · 04/09/2017 10:13

Been there, done that. He said he didn't want a relationship, what he really meant was that he didn't want a relationship with me. I wasted nearly 3 years on him. Get out now before you waste any more of your life.

Original poster

Takeittothelimit792 · 04/09/2017 16:33

Thank you all for your replies. Second day and zero contact. Yeah debbs77 and he was worse than useless during the abortion. Didn't offer to come to the appointments, only offered to come to the last one in an arsey way after I told him my boss had offered to come with me because he clearly didn't intend to. He did come but popped home in the middle of the day because he fancied a sandwich .

Rosa yeah it did feel like more than FWB. We were close friends for years beforehand then we started sleeping together not as an arrangement but because, I thought, we liked each other as more than friends.

OP posts:

category12 · 04/09/2017 17:00

He likes you just fine and he doesn't want you to find someone else. But he doesn't want more with you. He stepped up contact to keep you around.

The right thing to do would have been to step back when you started seeing someone else but that's being unselfish, few people manage that.

Good luck with ending things.

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