Any of you live far away from family?

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Anyone here live far away from their family? Just wondering how you manage to see them where it is fair on everyone?

I feel I am constantly trying to keep everyone else happy but I am miserable myself. I live 450 miles away from my family and am finding it hard to see them often due to me working, they don't seem to understand I don't get a lot of time off work, and they expect me to use every single day off to travel to see them, if I don't I get guilt tripped about my grandparents being elderly and won't be around much longer, this makes me feel worse because its not like I can just walk out of my job.

They constantly ask when I am coming over to see them, constantly ask if we are coming over for christmas (we both work retail and can't take any time off during christmas, they know this yet still ask), always want to see me on my birthday (my Husband blew up about this one last night hence this thread) My Mum called last night to ask if we are coming over to see her on my birthday, my Husband heard her ask me and shouted that its "nine fucking months away, god forbid I ever have any plans for your birthday, they are always taken up with us having to fly over and stay with your mum"

He is right. The last 7 birthdays I have had we have gone to stay with my mum for a week (anything less than a week and my mum has a toddler tantrum and tells me there is no point us coming) My family insist on coming to stay with us every summer as well, we just feel like our entire year is planned out for us, and if we say we can't then the guilt trips start, its constant.

I have not even mentioned the hour long phonecalls a few times per day as well, I feel I am inbetween a rock and a hard place because I know I need to see my family, but when it leaves us with no days left to take off at work, we can't afford to go anywhere on holiday on our own because of the plane tickets we buy to see them, plus even if we wanted to go somewhere we have no days left to take. We have things we need to do around the house so we can sell it, but never have the money or the time to do anything.

How do we manage this so everyone is happy? already suggested just sticking to once a year, as in, we go there once a year, they come here the year after, thats not good enough. Help?

How do we manage this so everyone is happy? already suggested just sticking to once a year, as in, we go there once a year, they come here the year after, thats not good enough. Help?

It's an impossible task. You've just got to decide what works best for your family and ignore the guilt tripping. It's really hard.

What Purple said. Just accept that however hard you try you are going to be expected to feel guilty. And then go for whatever seems reasonable to you.

Only gets more entertaining when you have teenagers added to the mix who also try to guilt-trip you for their own agendas. Hide like a rhinoceros is the only way to go.

I'm only 120 miles away but Christmas is a nightmare. We've missed the last two Christmas days, but for good reasons - the first I was due to be admitted for an induction on Boxing Day, and last year MiL had been told her cancer was back again. She sadly passed away just after Easter so DH wants to spend the day with his dad and brother this year, which is understandable I feel. We will go to my family on Boxing Day and stay for DSs birthday, as we did last year.

It's not good enough, apparently - this year will be 'allowed' but if we're not there next year 'we will fall out'. I'm 35 years old and I feel like a guilty child.

Sorry, no advice but it is shite and I do empathise.

I only live 200 miles away and it's difficult, none of my family ever comes to visit us here unless they find themselves in the area for other reasons.

Originally I hoped to get back every month and that moved to every two and now roughly every three. It's hard and I get grief now and again but if they want to see me and spend time with my family they know where I am, I guess I've hardened a little.

We did start doing turn about christmasses between dh family and mine and now it's one at home together, one at my family and one with dh's but all of this is work permitting and the last two years have been spent at home due to this.

Like people have said you have to do what works for you.

If I'm honest I spend more actual time with my family now as it's constant when we are there rather than a couple of hours a week visiting if I lived close by iyswim.

I live about an hours drive away from my family moved away from home town 12 years ago. I dread going back to see family I get stressed before I go and don't have a nice time...always get stuck on M5 motorway on the way home. I have decided o put myself first....they know where I live if they want to see me they can make the effort to one here. I have a nicer life not seeing them really I prefer to spend my free time with my hubby and dogs.

We are 3000 miles from both sets of family. I have not been home at all in 16 years. Dh has not been back since he moved here 15 years ago. I have not spent Christmas with my family in 30 years. My parents came for Christmas 25 years ago ( mother old, frail and ill now, my poor dad is dead). One of my brothers came for Christmas about 3 years ago. My mil came about 5 years ago.
Christmas and birthday here were always spent just as us. Even when I was married to exh, who was from here and whose family were only 50 miles away I refused to spend every holiday with them. It works for us.

About 300 miles / 4ish hour drive from DM, DB lives round the corner from her. See them 2-3 times a year, speak once a week to DM. Not spent Christmas, birthday or any other major event with them in over 20 years. There's always been an expectation that I will travel for visits as I have no kids 'it's easier for you' but this year we have a new dog who isn't good in the car, can't be kennelled and nervous with strangers so I won't be doing the pre Christmas visit this year, not sure what will happen about that! DM drove to see us earlier in the year but it was only the second time in many many years and she didn't like the driving (who does?!) So not sure she'll doo it again.

You have to stay saying no, they are just as capable as you of making the journey. My mum has a hissy fit about Christmas, forgetting all the times she's been asked and refused. The phone calls are easily remedied, my mum used to call me up to 8 times a day staying at 6 am. I stopped answering the calls if I knew they are from her, much easier nowadays with caller id. Stop making yourself available, let her leave a message and call her back when you want to. My mum was shocked when I first started doing this and we had several arguments about it, but now she knows that if she leaves me a message I'll get back to her in the next couple off days. IF she calls but doesn't leave a message I don't call her back as it's clearly not important she just wants a natter!
My mum is very difficult, very much a my way or the high way type of person. I chose to move away for a very good reason, part of that is to put distance between us do that I am not really available to answer every beck and Call.

My husband's mum and dad retired about 215 miles away by the sea not long before I met him and my own mum and dad then retired 300 miles away by the sea about 12 years ago (husband and I together about 18 years).

I was surprised when my mum and dad did it because they had witnessed the difficulties that we had with my husband's family over guilt tripping re visits.

My mum and dad come to see "family" every three months or so. They stay with my brother who lives about 6 miles from us but they never stop with us.

My husaband's Dad never EVER comes to see us - i have invited him many many times but he refuses to get on a train (direct train one train station to station) and so we hardly ever see him.

We see husband's dad about once a year and that's it.

I hate that we live so far away - its so unnatural - being "guests" wtih your own family and not everyone putting in the same effort. We used to go and see them all loads but found it was only us doing it.

When you work 5 days a week it's hard to spent 10 hours of the two days you are off sitting in the car and then trying to sleep on a crappy put you up sofa bed - you never get to relax like its a proper weekend away or holiday and you have to be on "best behaviour".

Like a poster above i find it really stressful and difficult.

its hard to live with the guilt of not seeing them all so much but you know what - i live with it. If my husband's dad wanted to see him that much he would suffer the train wouldn't he?

We have our own daughter and grandchildren who live around the corner - we are really involved with her and talk long and hard about how we feel (at the moment anyway) that we won't retire hudreds of miles away on a whim and expect her and her family to put themselves out for us.

Maybe it is different if you are the ones who have moved away but in our case we have stayed put and family have moved for reasons that are only for pleasure - no work reasons or health etc - just becuase they wanted to so they can suck it up as far as i am concerend!!

Don't feel guility op - just do what you want!!!

Instead of going to see them for your birthday - have you considered meeting them on holiday for a week? That way you get to have a holiday as well as catch up with them.

Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic and yours appears never to have never progressed far from the parent child dynamic. You are a grown woman, you can say no. Your family treat you this way, partly because they know you won't offer up much of a resistance.

You can not please everybody all of the time and life's to short to keep trying.

We live far from both families. My DHs family are far more understanding and willing to visit us so we see them more often. My family are more guilt trippy so i have less contact with them. You can't please everyone. People that are guilt tripping don't have your best interests at heart.

Don't let yourself be guilt tripped...if your DM has a hissy fit, so be it.

I'm only around 200 miles away....I go up for the weekend around 2-3 times a year. My DM comes to see me for a weekend once a year on her own and my DM and Nan come for three days every August.

I'm rarely there for birthdays unless it's a 'big one'. We speak on the phone once a week or so and text on and off through the week.

We go every other Christmas (alternated with PILs).

I'm 500 miles away and haven't been able to afford to visit home in the 4years since we moved. I had a brief visit myself (we area family of 4) for my grans funeral but it's not the same as a proper visit. I am rubbish at keeping in touch but all the effort came from me any way so don't see why it should come from me all the time.

30 years ago my grandparents moved 300 miles away from 2 daughters & 3 grandchildren. Throughout my childhood we were expected to travel to them and host for minimum a week at a time. It was excruciating. My mother hated it. I hated it.

11 years ago my mother moved close to them to help. Fine mum, just make sure you come back. Yes of course dear - I'd never do that to MY kids.

Mwhaha. Yes she did. And along followed the guilt calls "I never see you, why can't you come down?".

And the refusal to come back. Or even call. Why? Because I'm the child and I should be putting in all the effort!

Needless to say there's more to the story but I'm now very low contact and much much happier for ignoring her digs.

Oh. And it'll be a cold day in hell before I feel guilty about not visiting her.

My advice? Whatever you do won't be enough for them. So do what you want.

My family live on the other side of the country and I moved over here to be with my now DH three and a half years ago - they have still yet to visit

It frustrates me that the one who moves away has to always be the one who goes back to visit. I go twice a year - usually around Autumn and Spring (because it's too stressful to get over there for Christmas) and it costs me over £50 just to travel (over £100 if it's me and DH).

We're soon to start TTC and my DH gets frustrated and has told me he doesn't want the onus to be on me to travel with a small baby - but I know that's how it's going to be

Oh gosh, we live a 12 hour flight apart. I haven't been home in 8 years and haven't seen my parents in 2. We Skype, phone/text and email.

Break the cycle and do something you'd like to do for a change!

I think you need to think about what your needs are first and also what's best for your relationship. I live in another country (an 11 hour flight from my family - my mum and step-dad, not really close to any other biological family and I'm an only child so really it's just them). I'm not able to travel to visit them with any regularity because of cost. I've been to visit them twice in 6+ years. But my mum or both of them visit us here about 3-4 times a year (they're retired and have much more disposable income, plus it's cheaper just for her to visit us than for the three of us to go there, and easier as we both work full-time and our daughter is starting school now). We usually see them for a week at a time (so 3-4 weeks a year, mostly at our place when they visit). These are rarely for birthdays (except our daughter's, they do come about every other year for that) and maybe every other year for Christmas. We talk for about 1.5 hours every 2 weeks or so, sometimes less often, but we email regularly and they get photos of our dd.

But there are no rules and there's no possessiveness. We all know none of us is 'entitled' to claim certain days to spend with the other. We do what works and it's varied. Part of that is just because scheduling these trips is complicated and expensive, especially with our work schedules and our daughter's needs. But also just because it isn't healthy for every day to be about them (nor would they want it to be). We need time as a couple and a family too, as I think you do. I think you need to set a reasonable schedule and make time for yourself and your partner and other family members, children, etc. (if you have them). I can see how your partner would feel second best to them and that's a legitimate concern I think you're going to need to tackle if you want your relationship to be happy and healthy over the long-term.

I live 10,000 miles away from my family,
I used to visit every year, nobody comes here to see us.

I decided to stop, its horrendously expensive and uses all my annual leave and it's not any kind of restful holiday.

I've skipped the last two years, if I can afford to I will visit next year, plenty of guilt tripping from across the families, I just decided to be practical about it. Not getting into debt to go, need to use annual leave to cover school holidays and also need to spend time on myself sometimes.

It's hard but I feel that it's selfish of families to put that pressure on which helped end my resolve, I also happen to live in one of the most amazing holiday destinations in the world so it wouldn't be terrible for them to have to come here occasionally

We live 3000 miles away from my family, I moved abroad to be with DH.

It's super hard. I feel guilty for moving, guilty about grandkids being away etc etc.

My parents usually visit once every two years, we do the alternate year. My mum is retired, my dad still has a part time job, I really did think my mum would come over for a good few weeks when both DC'S were born but she only came for just over a week! I realise it's intense etc but still. New grandchildren!

It's funny because when they come over here my parents revert to being teenagers really. They refuse to drive over here (Canada), it's too scary. So muggins here does all the sodding driving. Even though my dad's job is, guess what, driving! They also don't research /plan any days out etc, every day it's 'Oh, what are we going to do today? ' and expect 24/7 entertainment and meals provided, cooked my moi, of course. Tedious.

It's so expensive for us to go over there, and now we have two DC'S even more complicated. We are going next year for Christmas 2018 and I'm already dreading the flight!

My parents never call me, it always has to be me calling them. Not sure why really, they can get cheap calls but it's always me calling them.

I could go on but won't bore you.

I moved 600 miles away from my mother because my MIL was getting to the age where she was starting to have falls and needed a family member to be reasonably nearby (the nearest one up to that point was one of my BILs who was still about 200 miles away).

MIL is still going at 90 and living in her own home with carers visiting every morning, but my mother is now 78 and I wish with all my heart that I was closer so I could do the things for her DH gets to do for his mum. Especially now that her partner only has a few months to live, it breaks my heart that I can't be down there to support her in person, though I've got three trips down already arranged for the next six months.

Live in NZ, family in UK, whatever you do will never be enough so eventually you just learn to suit yourself. I visit three times a year and sometimes that feels around three times too many.

I get this, and then when I'm down there with the DCs (which is hard work anyway on top of a long drive) they are put out of I want to very occasionally see some of my old friends. I think they have an expectation that we're there to just only ever see them and family, even though they barely make an effort while we're there. Tbh, I'll be happy to give it some time and just live with the guilt.

Similar situation ... I'm 4.5 hours drive away from my mum and an only child. My car needs repairs I can't afford so can't drive that far. The train journey is too expensive. She expects me to visit every holiday and can't see that I need time to relax myself - which I can't do at hers. Constant guilt trips, phone calls every second day ...

We were the ones who moved abroad. During the 5 years we were away I would book flights out to us every couple of months for my DM and DPiL. Fortunately we were close to an easyjet served airport and in a country with excellent public transport. As soon as the next tranche of cheap flights were released I would be checking availability with DM/DPiL to get the visits booked in.

After the first Christmas spent back in the UK (a mistake in hindsight) we would host DM/DPiL in our home.

Doing it this way meant that we were in control of the situation and always on the front foot. We knew when they were coming and also when they were leaving. Frequent visits but never longer than a week kept the visits at a manageable level.

DPiL were quite adventurous types so enjoyed their frequent visits to us. Aparently DM less so but a while ago she did let slip that she rather missed her regular holidays to our house!