Married to PTSD and alcoholism

[ma4pie]

Hi all, this might be long so apologies and thanks for sticking with it. I'm hoping for some practical advice as opposed to sympathy or hand-holding (although the latter is always welcome).

Together with DH for 10 years, married for 6. PTSD was diagnosed well into our relationship and alcoholism, although suspected once the rose-tinted glasses were removed, was similarly only admitted after some time. Both, however, were known about before we got married. Both now in our 40's, I have a wonderful DD and 2 DSD. Both conditions are the result of time, and tours, in the services.

The past 10 years have been a long and rocky road. On his side there has been denial, guilt, anger - self-directed; there has never been violence, too many medications to name - all with limited efficacy and some with scary side effects, councilling, CBT, lying, theft and, at times, resentment towards me for refusing to allow him to self-destruct. On my side there has been a lot of anxiety, depression, a couple of breakdowns and a bankruptcy due to the financial strain of supporting everything and everyone.

I am the sole wage earner and have been for some time. He's not fit to work even though he has lied to me in the past about looking and applying for jobs. He was getting PIP but this was stopped when they failed to pass on our change of address so a reassessment letter was never received. They admitted fault over the phone but we waited over a year for anything to be done. We ended up using a friend's recommendation for a support worker and they have shafted us (failed to turn up to take him for his assessment then lied) so his new claim has been rejected. It looks, then, like we will continue to be living off my salary alone.

After years of broken promises and going around in circles I know that things won't change. DH is much more stable than he used to be but I remain more of a carer than a wife. I accept this. I accept that, however much he loves us - and I don't doubt that - his illness and addiction have a stronger hold. I also accept the sacrifices that I have, and will have, to make.

I come from a line of strong, and stubborn, women. I have managed to repair our finances and recently bought a small house - only in my name though - so have security for our DD, I have job security and earn enough so that we can get by. I have become a master at managing my own mental health issues but I do need some support as I'm increasingly finding it difficult to breathe. I don't want to go back on medication as the problem isn't my response to my situation as much as the situation itself - hope that makes sense.

Does anyone have experience of anything similar and could share some advice or point me in the direction of any services please?

Thanks for reading.

Some thoughts:
Consider whether the PTSD, alcoholism and military service are justifiable hooks on which to hang this level of consistently shitty behaviour over such a long time.
Life isn't a dress rehearsal, you only get one crack at it.
Is this a good relationship template for your DC, are you happy to model life as a mug to them?
Consider whether you have codependent issues
You are paying a very high price - health, quality of life, contentment - for staying with this man. Is he really, honestly worth it? Be aware of staying with him because you are too stubborn to throw in the towel. Don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy.

There has to come a point when you have to think about your welfare and that of the DC. Especially if you see no possibility of your DH's mental health improving. It may be that ending the relationship will be best for all but one of the people involved and if that is so, then that is what you have to do. Ultimately he is an adult and he has to manage his own life.

Speaking for myself, it has taken me 6 years of steadily worsening alcoholism, depression and anxiety on his part to acknowledge this, so believe me I know how hard it is. But if I can do it, so can you.

Just wanted to add a legal P.S. - if you are married it is (more or less) shared assets, so it doesn't really matter if the house is in your "name" only, so be aware of that OP if you decide to wait to separate further down the line and you are the one who paid for it ...

Was he turned down for a War Pension/Armed Forces compensation scheme as well as PIP? Also has he approached SSAFA and/or Combat Stress for support?

I agree with PP that maybe you need to think if this is the right situation for you and your DD to be in. My ex had PTSD (not ex-forces though) and alcoholism. I couldn't 'save' him and in fact I ended up enabling him in so many ways. I read about the sunken costs fallacy and the questions I finally asked myself were 'Do I want to feel the same way this time next year? This time next year do I want to be living my life constantly on edge waiting for the next crisis? The answer was no and the thought of still being in the same situation made me feel sick and breathless. So I left. You can't save or cure your husband only he can make that decision. It sounds as though maybe the feeling of being unable to breathe is your mind and body telling you that you can't go on being strong for your husband - we all have limits and sometimes we need to use that strength for ourselves and our children.

Thanks all for your replies, especially those of you who speak from experience. I'm at the point where I know that this is as good as it will get - and, after careful consideration, I promise you all, I accept that. I know my limits and am still within them but I know that I need some support whether this be practical or emotional.

There is so little specialist help for PTSD. The NHS are totally out of their depth and have admitted as much. DH did eventually receive counselling from Combat Stress. This helped enormously but was only available short term and, with no financial assistance, we can't afford to continue privately. I don't know of any support services for families living with PTSD though - something that would be invaluable for me.

With regards to DD, DH and I never fight. One thing he is good at is talking (took years though) - he's just not that good at acting on the things that are discussed. We are past the one crisis after another stage so things are stable most of the time. He is a great dad and, at times, a great DH but it's not an equal partnership. I have to take on the lion's share of the responsibility in our marriage; financial, organisational, emotional etc. I need support to do this.

I was raised to fight for family above all else and there is enough good in our family relationship to continue to fight. I wouldn't consider this to make me a bad role model to my DD though I respect keepingonrunning's opinion. I'm also a very independent person. I've travelled the World alone, spent most of my adult life not in a relationship and certainly don't have any fear of being alone.

Given that walking away is not under consideration at the moment, any other advice would be welcome.

ma4pie he is the only one responsible for fixing himself. By trying to fix him you are self-destroying.
You cannot fix someone against their will or try to make them take responsibility, it has to be his choice.
At the moment he is putting it all on you and blames you when he relapses.
The only is down if you stay with him.
Have you read the book 'co-dependant no more' by Melanie Beattie? And beyond co-dependency.

Is he actually drinking or an alcoholic on the dry? That would make a big difference to me. I couldnt have a drunken man living with my dc. Do the sdc live with ye or their dm and visit?

He drinks a lot less than he used to. Currently drinks socially at the weekend and on his own some evenings but not to excess. Honestly, it depends what he can get away with and I do have to monitor this. He would drink more if he could. I don't have tolerance for his alcoholism and he knows that being drunk around DD is where I draw the line. The other 2 girls are young adults now. They have always lived with DM and visited. He used to drink around them when they were younger so, even though this was between him and exDP, I used to make sure I was around. They realise now how much of a problem he had, still has, and how much more stable he is now.

so basically he is not able to control himself and you have to do it for you. Reminds me of my ex who asked me to help him quit cigarettes and told me off when he relapsed.
You man has no conscience, don't try to be his conscience. As for letting children around, that's a no-no. the only way is out.

In practical terms-it could be worth approaching SSAFA for support to reclaim/appeal PIP. Alternatively he could call the local Citizens Advice for support to claim PIP and advice about any other non means tested benefits he could claim.

I don't understand why he isn't receiving a war pension/Armed Forces Compensation Scheme payments? There is a list on this link here of forces charities that may be able to help provide financial and /or mental health assistance to you and your family www.cobseo.org.uk/members/directory/

I know you probably won't want to hear this but your dd is being affected by this- from Assist (assisttraumacare.org.uk/ ) When a traumatic event has affected one of both parents children are inevitably affected. They may be neglected, if adults withdraw and disengage from parental roles, resulting not infrequently in role reversal; or they may become the target of the parents symptoms of anger or hostility. Invariably they are confused, but since the parent concerned becomes upset when the trauma is mentioned, they are afraid to ask questions and a conspiracy of silence develops. Without help, these effects on children continue into adolescence and then adulthood

My point being that it is for him, an adult, to start managing the impact of PTSD and alcoholism on his children not you. I wonder what your daughter understands about the situation?

I really hope you find the support you need