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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucking Men !

60 replies

CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 10:44

I feel so depressed, what is it with men ? I've had to employ a builder, he came round to my house , gave me a quote , I agreed to the price , so far so good. He sent one of his men round who did the work, he came back to inspect it and collect the money. We got chatting about a project he is doing that I could possibly help him with , I made him a coffee and then he went.

Since then he has bombarded me with texts- 'Morning gorgeous' 'what you doing today' etc. I didn't reply and then my phone pinged again, I knew exactly what it would say and sure enough it was from him and said 'Have I upset you?' I didn't reply. He has continued to text about the project, which I now feel unable to do ( pissed off because I could really do with the money).

I had another load of texts early
Hours of this morning asking if I'm awake, fancy a chat etc.

He's married Angry . His poor wife.

Why do men do this ?? Fucking knob.

OP posts:
Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:02

Unconscious vibes sounds awful as if women are fluttering their eyelashes and hoiking their skirts up an extra inch . Ugh !

OP posts:
Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:03

He is the boss . I have no intention of engaging any further with him .

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 03/09/2017 12:04

To qualify my post, not ALL men are like that but many are. After my separation I was getting a stream of flirty messages from men who I had thought were the most devoted of husbands. There's no way I was giving off vibes because I wasn't seeing them or even communicating with them for months at a time. I also used to work in a very male dominated environment and the behaviours that went on were abhorrent and their wives had absolutely no clue.

Yes it's possible that a person who keeps getting into abusive relationships with similar men is predisposed to seek out a pattern but I don't agree that the kind of approach from random men that OP describes can be attributed to signals she is giving out.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 12:05

I agree with Attila. If we behave a certain way people will react a certain way. So how we act has a massive impact on who we attract.

Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:06

I have had many tradesmen in my house over the years and it's the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:08

I've been told in the past that I'm a no nonsense , straight talking person. My uni lecturer even said they were scared of me when we first met !

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 03/09/2017 12:12

Except Attila has said the second part of her post was irrelevant to this situation thisfamily.

Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:19

I wish someone could point out how my 'behaviour' led him on ! Good job I wasn't wearing makeup , I'd have really been asking for trouble !

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 03/09/2017 12:19

Creme it didn't. Put it right out of your head.

PurpleDaisies · 03/09/2017 12:22

Just concentrate on what you're going to next. Block and ignore seems like the best course of action to me.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 12:23

Crème.
Your behaviour did not encourage him.
You did nothing to trigger and that's obvious.
Sadly this one has a c** for a brain.

Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:23

Must admit I'm surprised by the victim blaming on here Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:26

I will carry on , his employee is hopefully coming tomorrow ( I'm employing him directly) to finish the job. He was a nice guy, we had a laugh , no boundaries were crossed .

OP posts:
thisfamily · 03/09/2017 12:26

Crème, the argument about behaviour for me was for the sake relationships in general. Nothing to do with this particular incident.

SuperSkyRocketing · 03/09/2017 12:27

Woah woah why is the OP getting a hard time here? There are people (women included) who are terrible at reading social cues from others. They take even the smallest amount of normal friendliness as a come on. To accuse the OP of some wrong doing here is like victim blaming victims of stalking or harassment.

userxx · 03/09/2017 12:28

I had a someone round to quote for a job, he sent me a huge text about how much he wanted to take me out and he's super attracted to me, never felt like this apparently. Anyway I asked if he was married and yes he was. No vibes were sent from me - this guy was just a massive chancer. It's happened quite a lot to be honest. Depressing to say the least.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2017 12:28

This man was wrong to do what he did; you yourself did nothing to encourage that behaviour from him. He should have acted more professionally; instead he saw a woman whom he thought he could try it on with. That says far more about him than it ever would about you.

Not all men are like this, they really are not and some men would indeed be appalled by such behaviour. Some men actually like "strong" women; they think of these types as a further challenge to take down a peg or two. They see such women as a threat to their own inadequate selves.

MorrisZapp · 03/09/2017 12:31

To be honest, even in long standing patterns, I don't agree that people seek out a certain type of partner. They meet who they meet, surely? And everybody is super nice at the beginning of a relationship so how can you tell?

I've dated billions of men but only had three actual relationships. The men I've met have all been very keen for a shag but really, the opportunity for a meaningful relationship is rarely on the table. So I've never looked for any type of man, I've just lived my life and met them along the way.

Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:35

I agree about 'you meet who you meet' no one can tell how someone is from a first meeting .

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 03/09/2017 12:35

I understand what you mean OP. You didn't do anything to lead him on and a quote about relationship patterns is irrelevant to this thread.

A few years ago I had a phone engineer come out to fit a phone line. I barely said 2 words to him, was actually in a separate room for most of the visit entertaining my toddler. When he left I was bombarded with texts, some flirtatious, some sexual, he had actually taken my mobile number from the paperwork to contact me.

I hadn't sent out any vibes, or 'lead him on'. The only thing I had done was be a woman he liked the look of. That is enough for some men to think they can say and do whatever they like.

LucieLucie · 03/09/2017 12:37

Ignore the victim blaming on here.

You did nothing wrong, the guy is an opportunistic sleaze who will be dipping his wick into any female who bites at his suggestive texts.

No men aren't all like this but a fairly significant portion are. His poor wife.

Original poster
CremeFresh · 03/09/2017 12:48

Yes his poor wife Sad

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 03/09/2017 13:02

He's a player, plays the percentage game, he'll chuck out 5 bones & will get one back everytime, leaving 4 people in your position. He's a twat with no moral compass.

HollyBuckets · 03/09/2017 15:41

To qualify my post, not ALL men are like that but many are.

Indeed. My sister- very conventionally attractive to men - was sick of being treated in this way. She wanted to be sure she wasn't doing something to cause the constant stream of unwanted advances.

She tried an experiment where she set out to see what men would be tempted. She tried to seduce happily married"good" men. Not in an obviously sleazy way but making it clear that she was up for it. Of course she wasn't.

But she told me she was shocked at how many married men of her acquaintance indicated that they were amenable to straying. It confirmed to her that actually it wasn't anything she was doing normally in sending out the wrong vibes. She only had to alter her behaviour in response to their veiled come-ons for them to be quite explicit. It rather put her off men for a while but what she said to me was that if even apparently happily married men were willing to try it on with her when they thought she was encouraging them, it wasn't anything she was doing in her usual behaviour that was at fault. It was men trying it on

I stress that her normal behaviour is just that - friendly, polite, appropriate. She was just born with looks and a body shape that are seen as "sexy".

LemonSqueezy0 · 03/09/2017 16:05

Crikey moses! How on earth is it anything that OP had said or done to encourage this behaviour? The OP was really clear about what happened.
It has happened to me - in this instance he took my number off of some paperwork he was processing and contacted me. I hadn't encouraged him, or given off vibes. He did it because he wanted to and felt entitled to.

OP I hope you can salvage the paid work you were going to do, and it wasn't just a distraction to start the conversation.

To be clear - 100% this man's actions at fault.