Wondering if I was assaulted (may be triggering)

[puglife15]

When I was 14 I had to go on the pill for medical reasons. I was a very young, innocent and sheltered 14 year old. At the appointment when I was subscribed it with the GP he conducted a very thorough, lengthy breast examination which was intended to help me know what to look for if I had a lump.

At the time I felt very awkward and embarrassed, my mum was in the appointment with me and seemed rattled too but I always trusted doctors. Afterwards she said something to me which I can't remember exactly what but along the lines of "that was a bit much!"

Anyway I had put it out of my mind, but recently in the news there was a story about a Dr who had assaulted hundreds of patients and suddenly I recalled that appointment. I felt hugely ashamed, and for the first time thought that maybe what that Dr had done to me wasn't actually ok. I can't stop thinking about it now.

I don't know why I'm posting here, except I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it.

That sounds horrible. Can you ask your mum what she thinks or recalls of it now? She might remember it and with hindsight feel it was inappropriate and then at least you might feel vindicated.

Thanks Edd. I did think about it but don't feel I can, sadly. She's very much a "sweep things under the table and minimise them" person and will be upset at me at dredging up the past. Also she has suffered worse frankly and this feels petty in comparison.

I see, it's a shame that you can't talk to her as sometimes I find it hard to know if I'm remembering my own feelings properly and the input of someone else helps me to see things more clearly. I think you're justified to feel that what happened to you wasn't right especially if you felt at the time that it wasn't. I hope that you can come to terms with it x

This happened to me with a doctor when I was about 30. He gave me an extensive breast examination and I did not feel comfortable - I hadn't gone to see him about anything related to cancer or breasts at all!

I had an even worse experience at an STD clinic in the 1980s. I was about 18/19. I had a horrible boyfriend who made me go out of suspicion (I had nothing wrong with me). The doctor noted I had some flea bites on me (from a kitten I had at the time) and commented to the nurse I had 'lice'. Then when he finished the examination he slapped me on the hunches like cattle. On my way out the receptionist commented very loudly that next time I came I should make sure my period had finished. How about that? I still get angry thinking about it for my poor shy embarrassed 19 year self. You know what I do? I imagine myself going in as the tough old broad I am now and giving them fuckin hell! Makes me feel better. It certainly doesn't haunt me, but it is a scar (small scar).

But you know what? you can't do anything concrete about it now, especially as your mother was present. So as unpopular advice as this seems - I would try and put it out of your mind. See it as valuable experience. Use it to get tougher about your adult boundaries (given that as a child you could not do anything about it then.) Don't turn it into a bigger scar than it need be.

Also perhaps try talking to your mother more about it - I actually think the real issue here might be how you feel unsupported by her - however she did notice it at the time, but she just didn't know how to deal with it - people from a different generation are often very passive with figures of authority like doctors - not me though! thanks to these and other experiences.

Rosabug thanks and you are right, it's made me reflect on how I'd feel in my mother's situation and how as a result I would intervene the second I felt uncomfortable in a situation with my own children, so I should try to focus on it.