Getting through divorce?

[Itsabeautifuldaytosavelives]

Just looking for a bit of guidance I suppose.

The end of a very long story is that after having suspicions since the start of July, STBXH admitted a few weeks ago half an hour before he took off for a 10 day long business trip that he's been having an affair since at least the end of May. He's been posting her all over his social media so not exactly trying to be subtle about it, I've been told that she's just a friend, it's just a nice picture, I'm over-reacting, it's all in my head, people are shit stirring blah blah. Feel like an idiot.

On said business trip he flew her out to meet him, all the while telling me how depressed he was that he'd ruined his life and that if he came home would it make a difference. When challenged he said he had to ask her to come out because he was going to self harm and she was the only person he had there for him to fly out.

He moved his stuff out the day he came back and has since accepted a permanent job abroad in the Middle East. Moving in a week or so. Leaving DD20 months home with me. It since came out that his parents have dealt with the threats of self harm etc before when he's been backed into a corner over something he knows he's done wrong, and this behaviour wouldn't have been out a character for him 8, 9, 10 years ago.

He's been an utter bastard since the start of May and there have been signs since probably Christmas that something had changed. Have seen a lawyer and have started to organise things for divorce. I had started to feel better about the whole thing over the past week, I've stopped torturing myself about what I could have done differently because I don't think it would have made a difference, and had started to let go of the anger. But am really struggling again today. I went to our mutual friends wedding yesterday, he pulled out last week because the bride is a close friend of mine and he didnt want to face her after everything came out. I just don't understand how he could have made those vows to me and then less than 3 years just decided they didn't matter? The OW is 8 years younger than we are, doesn't have the commitments that we had together (STBXH also has a 9 yo son, my DSS), is thinner, prettier, etc etc. I feel like I'm living out a cliche. After pissing about with my emotions for 4 months, he's now decided that he wants the divorce finalised yesterday so we 'can start 2018 afresh and work on a friendship' when really he's asked her to move with him because he 'just can't be alone over there because he really struggled'. And the place he is moving to is not kind to extramarital affairs.

I know that he lies, he's been lying to me for months and he still is but how can I stop letting it get to me? How can I move past the hurt he caused and find someone else? How can I make the vows I made to someone else knowing I already made them to him? Am I going to be on my own forever? I'd started to see a light at the end of the tunnel and now feel like I've taken a hundred steps back and everything feel so raw again. If anyone has some words of wisdom for me they would be gratefully received this morning.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any words of wisdom but when my now EXH left 3 years ago to move in with OW what kept me going was to remind myself of all the great things I had in my life - kids, family, friends, job etc. I knew it would hurt like hell for a long time but I would come through it.

I leaned heavily on my friends. e.g I couldn't bear to me on my own on weekends or special anniversaries so I let friends know and we made plans. I told them exactly what I needed whether it was company, space or practical help.

I planned things to look forward over the following year in the knowledge that by the time they came around I would feel better. These included some new things e.g going to a festival or an activity weekend with strangers.

I tried not to overthink or even to try to make sense of it. Instead I tried to focus on me, my kids, my future and not to think about him too much at all - easier said than done - but it helped minimise my bitterness and anger which I decided hurt me more than anyone else.

As soon as I felt even a little bit better I started OLD. With hindsight it was too soon but it was a useful distraction and quite good for my confidence after being dumped by my husband of 27 years.

The main thing to know is that it does get better. It takes time and recovery is not linear. Even now 3 years on memories and associations can make me break down unexpectedly.

One thing I got totally wrong was to allow him to dictate the pace of the divorce and drag things out. Take control and do it on your terms and in your time scales.

One of the best pieces of advice I read on MN was 'you can sort out your emotions in time but you only get one chance at the financials'. Get the best legal advice you can afford and be as detached and hard-nosed about it as possible. It helps to feel that not everything is on his terms.

Sorry - this is long and I haven't really answered your question. Hopefully some others will come along soon.

If he's done this to you there's every chance he'll do it to OW in time too, only she doesn't know it yet There's also every chance you did nothing wrong to prevent it. I subscribe to the view that people will either behave this way - unscrupulously - or they won't. You don't have to jump through hoops in a good relationship for a partner to stay.
You are now a step closer to finding someone who really loves, respects and values you, unlike this man who clearly didn't. It's a rubbish time but you will get through it
How to Pick Your Life Partner

Sorry you're in this situation. I am only three months in from finding out about my own STBXH's affair so don't have any real answers yet either.

I find when I've had a run of good, strong days that I want to think that I've found a new normal but they're always followed by a down day. I try to accept that it's going to be up and down for a while, and that's okay. Sometimes I seem to be coping ok with the big stuff like divorce and then flip because of something little. I think it's just natural during such a demanding time.

Please try not to worry about too far in the future - you don't need to be worrying yourself about future partners etc yet. The challenge right now is about getting through the next couple of steps in the process. It's fine to be by yourself feeling what you are feeling.

Small treats are good. Box sets, chocolate, exercise, whatever.
xxx

If he's moving to the Middle East, divorce him for adultery (quickest way), nail him for child maintenance (expat salary?) and be thankful you don't have to see the fucker much anymore.

If he's moving abroad you need to check whether he's still under the jurisdiction of the child maintenance service. I think not, seek legal advice.