Toxic friends?

[SugarPlumLairy]

Hi

I'm new. Created this just to ask for advice.

My daughter has a friend who seems to be getting jealous and her mum, who I thought was my friend, seems to be acting the same.

We are a single income family. We work at living within our means so that I can be SAHM to our daughter with additional needs. We aren't flash or anything but have saved so kiddo can enjoy treats etc. She's a great kid and dealswith a lot of issues really well.

She really likes this other girl, we have her round a lot. Similar background to us single income family etc. They do an activity together which her friend is obviously better at, but with lots of OT and practice my girl has really improved and this seems to irritate her friend who is always finding ways to knock her self esteem. She is always telling my kiddo to get this or that etc so she can play with it, or just spending any points or credit my girl has on her online games. I've spoken to kiddo about this so we have stopped that but this other kid still try's to get us to provide extra treats etc for her.

Now the mum is acting weird too. Getting entitled to whatever we have and getting upset when it's not automatically shared. I can give examples if necessary but this is already long.

So, in real life it's all thinly spread out, no one issue is enough to fuss over but they all add up to the point I am feeling used and withdrawing but I am feeling mean about it! What to do? I don't want to ruin my daughters relationship but I feel that while some behaviour is normal healthy friendship give and take it seemsto spill into gimme gimme gimme quiteoften with little digs and spitefulness occasionally.

What to do?

Am I overreacting?

I'm not sure if you are over reacting because I don't really understand what you are saying. You need to be more specific.

if she's crossing personal boundaries .. being to overly familiar .. entitled... then No you're not being unreasonable...

get firm Mum ... No means No x

Sorry, just been a long confusing day.

How do I manage this relationship better?
Should I try to enforce better boundaries or is this toxic and I need to step back?

My daughter likes this other girl. Sometimes they get on well other times it's like they(mum and daughter) are just using the friendship for their own gain.

Examples:
We share quite easily and I am happy to help others where possible. Having said that if I say 'no' I don't expect to be pushed on the matter, to be asked for explanations, to have my reasons picked apart in order for the mum to get the yes she wants.

I got held up at hospital appointment,asked the mum to watch my kid for maybe half an hour max, take them to park etc She said yes. Turns out she enrolled both kids into after school activity so I had to pay for that (I was 10 minutes late).

Wanted me to store large items for a coup,e of days, weeks later got angry when I said they had to take them back home as she said I had room to store them and it made her house cluttered.

Offered to watch my rabbits for me when we had to be away briefly (family funeral) when we returned, pets were barely looked after but ALL my kids possessions had been pulled out and played with from places that weren't obvious even.

Her daughter is super friendly if she knows my girl is gettin a treat and has often persuaded my daughter to ask for her to be included but soon after is acting nastily, saying the treat was rubbish etc,

The mum says her kids are better at whatever is going on in my daughters life (my kid has additional needs remember) e.g her kids are SO much better with my daughters pets than she is, or when daughter got a class award it was dismissed as "oh they make sure everyone gets that so they don't feel left out" but when her daughter got an award it was down to brilliance.

My child got invited somewhere, friend and her mum couldn't believe then got angry!

For my daughters birthday we took her and another additionalneeds child to a special show. Mum found out and rather than understand it was arranged around additional needs said her daughter was having a party too, only for special friends (they are neurotypical, no extra needs) and it wouldn't include my girl.

Wants me to take eldest and youngest siblings on day trips with my kid. Again.. my kid has additional needs so I don't want to handed two extra kids to deal with alone! Mum says she has ypthings to do.

If she finds out we've been out somewhere she gets upset that we didn't take at least the eldest child with us but this girl us a handful and my husband wants just family time regardless.

There is loads more, more about the mums entitlement though her daughter can be cheeky and very jealous too BUT sometimes the girls get on so nicely. They are kind and funny with each other....I'm torn with knowing what to do for the best.

Any ideas on how to handle the relationships would be appreciated

Gemini69 I hear you.
I'm trying to say no firmly but she keeps coming back at from different angles. After last (only) time they were in my home unsupervised she has been pushing for us to let her use our home as a "mini break" when we are away, in return she'll feed our hamster for free (don't have rabbits anymore). I mean really? You don't need to move in with your kids and make yourself at home to feed a hamster!

Help your daughter find other friends, this mum sounds like she is using you for childcare amongst other things and thinks your daughter makes her daughter look better/more talented & is no threat ( it's a bit like the horrible idea of a pretty girl wanting a fat/not pretty friend to make herself feel better)

Bloody hell, why are you putting up with this shit?

Ditch them, and get as much distance between your dd and the "friend" as you can possibly manage

She''s not your friend; she's abusing your generosity and making use of you. She is using your daughter's challenges to make her daughter look better and teaching her daughter to put others down in order to make herself feel better. She has decided you are a soft touch because you'll make allowances to ensure your daughter has 'friends'. You and your daughter are worth more than this. Make new friends and drop her.

Thanks, I needed to hear it.

The thing is when I write it all downtogether it sounds awful and it's obvious what needs to be done BUT in reality, it's spread out, it's subtle, it's interspersed with sad tales of work being terrible, her husband relapsing, the kids won't do much over hols etc....

Also... Sometimes the friend helps my kiddo, stands up for her, is very thoughtful etc. But then e green eyed monster comes out :-(

I do think there is jealousy at play. I think that things ARE harder for them than for us despite very similar backgrounds. Having said that... FFS, if I'm the one person helping maybe reel your neck back in and stop asking for more, more, more all the damn time.

How twisted do you have to be to be jealous of a little girl with additional needs? To begrudge her trying to have a normal family life?

What's stupid is that my kiddo WILL be ok, she has a couple of other friends she feels happy with and her OT etc keeps her busy so the only people losing out are this woman and her kid in the long run.

Kinda relived I'm not imagining it but sad that people are so nasty.

We know life us hard, it's short and a little kindness goes a long way. They didn't gave to be so mean or greedy. Really sad....

Some people are just cunts, Sugar.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how kind you are to people, or how much of yourself you give, deep down not everyone is a good person.

Keep your head high, cut your losses and just chalk it up to experience. On the plus side, at least you'll be better prepared when you come across another of life's vultures

ohfourfoxache,, I think you just summed it up perfectly !

I don't want other people's behaviour to define mine, I can't sink to that level. It will reinforce bad behaviour even more in this other girl, that she's right to be grabby because people are mean.

We might be moving in not too distant future, still looking at options, not massively far, if they'd been nicer it would have been easy to stay in touch, meet up etc. Having said that it will certainly be easier to drop the rope with them etc. With that little extra distance between us.

And my paranoia pendulum swings all the way over to other side. I swear I veer between "everything is awesome" and "they're all it to get me!" I hear the middle ground is quite nice... {hmm}

Thanks peeps... things much clearer. Xxx

You teach your child a good life lesson by distancing yourselves from these friends.

They are abusing your kindness (and slight doormat tendencies). Of course they are nice sometimes, everyone is. You don't judge people on their best but on their worst.

Lead by example. Show her how to avoid being suckered into staying in an abusive relationship.

I agree runrabbitrun, I should clarify that the examples of her asking, pushing back, wanting reasons, trying to change my mind etc I DO say no. For most that would set a boundary but not for this woman. We've had days where we've just been unavailable, I deliberately no longer keep booster seats in my car so I can't suddenly be imposed upon for a lift (though she did say it wouldn't matter if her kids rode a short distance with no boosters and when I refused as the youngest was tiny, suggested I give MY daughters booster to her youngest and let mine go without! Can you imagine?! Obviously a very firm no but somehow I felt like the bad guy ...ffs

They sound horrible op, don't put up with these nasty, grabby cunts.