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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair with OW and having sex at gay saunas.

17 replies

littlejo67 · 02/09/2017 21:22

Found out a year ago husband of 11 yrs was having an affair. He said all the right things we went on lovely holidays etc. I have done some checking up and found out he has been swinging and having sex with men and women. Also going to a gay sauna. The affair with OW went underground and he still has contact. He lies pathologically to OW and me. I found this out by snooping I think he is a covert narcissist, fits him like a glove. We have been together 20 years. Everyone loves him he is so fake he pretends to be what they really need. I am feeling overwhelmed and beyond broken. 20 yrs of lying. An affair for 2 yrs ( 2nd affair) then I found out it's still ongoing a year later. Manipulation beyond belief. I found 2 filthy dildos and a carrier bag of lube, condoms and spare undies. I have just discovered that I have spent the last 20yrs with a total stranger.

OP posts:
userxx · 02/09/2017 21:26

Wow, he sounds like a catch!!!! Get yourself tested for sti's and see a solicitor to get the divorce proceedings started.

ArcheryAnnie · 02/09/2017 21:32

God, that's just horrible for you, OP.

Get yourself tested, and maybe make an appointment with a solicitor, too.

(And be extra nice to yourself.)

Feelingiabu · 02/09/2017 21:34

Flowers how awful for you.
Collect your proof, get your ducks in order, stay calm, it's been 20 years, one more week to get rid for good is nothing.
Good luck
You will be well rid.

FNAF · 02/09/2017 21:34

How horrible for you Sad what an utter sleazebag he is. Get your ducks in a row, a SHL and sti test.

skyzumarubble · 02/09/2017 21:36

WineGinhow horrendous for you.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 02/09/2017 21:38

That sounds like a very difficult situation

doozeldog · 02/09/2017 21:39

I think you know what you need to do!

LucieLucie · 02/09/2017 21:40

I'm so sorry, you must be heartbroken and she'll shocked like the floor has gone beneath your feet

Have these further things just been discovered?

We are here to hand hold and listen Flowers

user1497997754 · 02/09/2017 21:40

I agree get a good solicitor and wipe the floor with him financially .....get yourself a new lovely life.....he is a disgusting human being....treat him like the piece of shit he is....take him for everything you can and start living a happy life you deserve it

Original poster
littlejo67 · 02/09/2017 21:43

It's such a loss and shock when you find out the person who you love has done this. I am 50 and the future I thought was mine has gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlejo67 · 02/09/2017 21:45

He came into the relationship with nothing. He is could wipe the floor with me financially..I have a house and I added him to the mortgage.

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 02/09/2017 22:12

You need to urgently go and see a really good solicitor.....you are ONLY 50 that's a number anyway....don't spend the rest of your life unhappy with someone like him....give yourself the opportunity to be free of him....lots of women do it...I did it...don't waste anymore of your precious life on this excuse of a man

SandyY2K · 02/09/2017 22:16

I realise finances are an issue, but I wouldn't be able to continue with him.

If I didn't divorce him then I'd not be sleeping with him. I hope you're going to get std tested. The risks are high with what he's been doing.

Cary2012 · 02/09/2017 22:19

I was almost your age when I found out the man I'd been married to 20 years was a cheat, a liar and and a sleazebag. He was also father to our 3 gorgeous kids. Was it hard throwing him out? Absolutely. Was it the right decision? Absolutely.

Your age is irrelevant. Self respect is priceless.

Original poster
littlejo67 · 02/09/2017 22:20

I had an HIV test plus others and they came back negative. Can't believe this is happening. Have seen a solicitor and I have a recording of him having phone sex with a man and arranging to shag them both . I just feel ill currently. I never want to listen to that ever again.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlejo67 · 02/09/2017 22:27

Lucie - I have discovered them over the last few months but have felt totally frozen. About to lose my job next month as well.
He even told me that the OW had never had an orgasm until she had sex him!

I don't have any family and I love his parents.

OP posts:
LucieLucie · 02/09/2017 23:08

Definitely speak to a solicitor sooner rather than later then, I think (although I may be wrong) you only get 6 months to use adultery as grounds for divorce

With the impending job loss, this is exactly what our benefits system is there for- people like yourself who are in genuine need of support.

Please also consult with citizens advice and Shelter who can help you will practical advice with regards to housing etc.

His behaviour sounds absolutely disgusting, it's high risk for him bringing something nasty home.

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