Why don't I have any self respect?

[Sickofthisalready]

Posted before. Long story short- exp left in Feb after 10 years together, saying we didn't have a relationship and I neglected him for DS (3). He was right, DS does come first and I never wanted to leave him.

Left and 2 weeks later was with someone else. Broadcasted it over social media. We work in the same industry, so everyone knew. I actually found out from one of my colleagues.

Treated me and DS like absolute shit for a while. Things sort of improved, but DS has never been his priority. He has drink problems and is a compulsive liar.

He was living in a house share, but lost his job (didn't tell me), so is now homeless and sofa surfing and OW has fucked him off.

I am constantly receiving letters about debts (run up in secret into the thousands), and expect Baliffs any day. He is still using my address to open new bank accounts and apply for benefits!!!!

Found an email he'd sent a mate (to whom he owes a few grand) telling him not to worry I was selling the house!!!! We own it jointly but I've paid his half of the mortgage and every bill, etc for the last 3 months.

For some fucked up reason I wanted us to try and make things work. He agreed and said we would spend some time together and see if there was anything there. All I've done is try to help him and he just continues to mug me off.

Tonight I've left a friends early to pick him up. My DS was having a lovely time with the other children. We sat outside a bar waiting for him for 20 minutes. Text him, called him, even called the bar. That was at 6.15. He still hasn't even read the messages.

What the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I see what a cunt he is and walk away?

Only you can answer that. He's a nasty piece of work

Sometimes I think it's because I just don't want to admit that the person I've loved for the last 10 years, could do this to me.

Sometimes I think it's because I am not in control of the situation.

No matter what he does, I just seem to let him get away with it.

I hate myself for being so weak

I would have left him at the bloody bar!!

I'd then leave his sorry ass for good. You can do so much better. Who needs a cheating jobless drink dependent arse??

I'm assuming he is still at the bar. He hadn't even read the messages I sent telling him we were outside.

I drove off after 20mins, and cried all the way home that I'd let him do it to me again

Fuck him off for good, what a wasteman.....

You can indeed see what a cunt he is, hence your post. Please detach emotionally from this time waster or he will continue to use you to his advantage if and when it suits while still treating you like shit. Put your ds and yourself first, you both deserve so much better.

In the first instance let his mate know you have no plans st present to sell your house which you are currently paying for entirely.
(I hope you have proof of this)

Can you buy him out?

Find out his address if he stops sofa surfing and have all his mail redirected or return all mail to sender - let the post office know he's not there anymore.

You have a child with him, you want him to be a good guy or at least see some good in him, he's not, he's a selfish knob.
You've given him enough , you deserve more.

He's got nothing to offer

I do have proof that I've been paying all of the mortgage yes. Not sure if I could buy him out, I only work part time.

Some other cuntish things he'd done:

Paid for dates out of our joint account

Got me to hire a car for him as he had no bank card, then took another woman away for the weekend. He returned the car late with no petrol so they took £100 off my card

Let me sign for 'our' new car knowing he had lost his job. It now costs me £400 a month

The list is endless

Hi Sick, he really is taking the piss. I have been there, knowing it is wrong but still putting up with it. I didn't want to believe someone who i loved all my adult life and had been lovely could suddenly do that to me. I have said before but i remember crying to a friend using the excuse that i didn't want it to be broken. She told me "it already is" however much you put up with and want to hold on to it he has already broken it sweetie. So sorry

SOTA,

re your comment:-
"For some fucked up reason I wanted us to try and make things work. He agreed and said we would spend some time together and see if there was anything there. All I've done is try to help him and he just continues to mug me off".

You need to address your issues properly before you potentially end up making the same old relationship errors over and over again with similar types of manipulators.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, consider also what your parents taught you. Did you grow up with heavy drinking parent/s.

You are codependent in relationships and you have certainly enabled this individual at great cost, both financial and emotional, to your own self and your child. Enabling however helps no-one and gives you only a false sense of control. I also think you've got well caught up in the "sunken costs fallacy" when it comes to relationships and that has also caused you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

I would get counselling for your own self to unpick all the damaging crap you have learnt about relationships along the way. Do you really have to prostrate yourself this much for an individual, no so why do you do it?. Its probably a combination of the reasons I have stated.

What sort of an example is he to your son as well? Why is this individual being put first in your life?. Your son and you were both enjoying yourselves elsewhere and then you left this nice place to pick up this individual who has not bothered to meet you. Have you previously thought that you could perhaps rescue and or save him from his own self and that your love for him could somehow heal him?. Wrong on all counts there I am sorry to say. He has used and abused you throughout and thinks you're an idiot. Small wonder he treats you with contempt, you sadly let him do this to you.

What is it going to take to make you walk away from him for good this time?. Only you can answer that.

Thanks everyone.

Attila - I've read alot on copenedants and that's definitely me, although my parents are tee total! . My parents divorced when I was young, and I think I was forced to grow up too quickly. I also think I almost acted as a 'partner' to my dad, and had more responsibilities than my friends did at a young age.

I have had some counselling recently, but if I'm honest didn't really find it much help. Maybe I should find a different one.

When we met he had just left his pregnant wife, so I gave him somewhere to live, helped him get a bank account sorted etc. So definitely always been the type to want to help/save people. He's never actually even met his 10 year old son. I should have realised then what type of man he was.

Every time he let's me down or mugs me off I'm so hurt, but I just seem to let it go and almost forget about it really quickly. I know I can't go on like this. I think it's time to admit defeat.

As well as detaching emotionally from this loser you need to detach financially. Get rid of the joint account for a start.

Every time he asks you for something, read this thread and remind yourself of who he actually is.

Yes that's a good idea. He has made it overdrawn so I will have to pay some money in first

We have a joint mortgage although I'm paying it all. I can't afford to buy him out and don't want to sell as it's my sons home and I wouldn't be able to afford anything similar on my own.

I suppose we will always have to be in contact for the times he decides it suits him to be a father.

I'm done with him now. My mum has actually said she will not let me continue to do this to myself, so maybe that will help.

OP, you may not want to give up on the relationship as you've invested so much time into it but have a think about what this means you are giving up in other areas of your life. Are you giving up on your mental health? Sleep? Your ability to trust? Your happiness? Your chance for a proper loving relationship?
When you start giving up on more things then you are getting back from this poor excuse of a man thats when you know its time to walk away. No one should have to give up on all these things to find love! You deserve more

Toria, you've hit the nail on the head. I've never thought about all the things I've given up. I get nothing back from him.

He's tried to tell me this morning that he was stood waiting for me all night. He's apparently gutted and thought I'd mugged him off. Never in 10 years have I mugged him off.

He says last night would have been an ideal opportunity to spend a lovely evening together (we were going to a friend's birthday party). Surely most normal people would have popped outside to check seeing as they had no phone reception.

I'm done this time. I can clearly see the bullshit

It's difficult. I've just walked away from a man after 4 years when I finally realised he was never going to commit to me the way I wanted to despite being wildly in love with him! Today is day 3 of no contact and I'm struggling but it's never going to be easy

He's taking the fucking piss. He did not think you'd mugged him off. He'd have come outside and phoned you if it got significantly past the time you were due to pick him up and he was genuinely waiting for you.

Fuck him off.

I'm sorry your hurting too Toria x

Token - That's exactly what I thought and what I'm going to do.

Thanks everyone xxx