Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I overthinking my married boss's intentions

24 replies

Summer2020 · 02/09/2017 18:35

Hi all,
Three months ago (after having my second child) I managed to secure the job of my dreams. At first my boss seemed great and before I started he talked about all the huge projects that I would be involved in (I'm not included in any of them or kept at an arms distance). During the first month I really enjoyed working for him and we shared jokes about kids and our profession etc. I was flirty but that's what I'm like with everyone. We went out on work nights out and I remember showing him a pic of my hubby and he scowled and refused to show me a pic of his wife or even talk about her. We went out to another work party together (just me and him were invited) and he made a point to sit next to me even though his name was elsewhere on the table. He asked me to do up his tie in front of everyone and proceeded to stare at my chest and talk about sex all night. Luckily, I knew others at the party and spent the remainder of the night with them. However, we had booked Taxi's together, so we had to leave early. Before leaving he asked me to have a drink with him and by that time I had forgotten about his weirdness beforehand and stayed for one drink. During the drink, he started to play childish hand games with me and asked me questions about my private life. I mentioned something about me not being the type to cry and he replied 'oh I can make you cry'!!! Anyway, I got into my cab after that and felt a bit strange. Back at work he acted normally and I decided not to mention it. Recently, we were heading for a meeting in town and he directed me to the offices by holding me by my shoulders and leading me to away. This was weird and i told him that I can walk by myself and didn't need escorting like a child. He laughed it off and we said nothing more of it. At work he frequently calls me into his office and stares at my chest and legs or makes me feel uncomfortable. He also tells me about his ex girlfriend who is married with two kids and is texting him everyday. I think his behaviour is quite inappropriate but I think I've left it too late to complain or say anything. Instead, I always try to mention my husband but he just ignores it. Just the other day, he asked me to retrieve his amazon package for him at the end of the week (he was due to go on leave the following day). I said yes but deep down I thought why can't you have it delivered to your house? Personally I think he wanted me to see what he was ordering and it was an album. Am I going mad or is this guy a bit of a creep. Should I look for another job? He is well liked and I think people will take his side over mine.

OP posts:
delftblue · 02/09/2017 19:26

Definitely a creep. That made my skin crawl just reading it

AufderAutobahn · 02/09/2017 22:56

You are not going mad, he's a creep. I would speak to HR about this, it's a serious matter. You shouldn't have to be the one to leave your job because of this.

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2017 22:58

Definitely speak to HR. His behaviour is totally inappropriate.

SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 00:14

Stop any flirting with him and keep mentioning your husband. Don't go to any more parties or events with him.

Keep it business like.

I work in HR. If you inform them, then you need to be clear about what you want to happen.

From a HR perspective, It's not solid evidence-based of wrongdoing....but personally I think think he's after an affair with you.

You need to shut it down. Don't allow time for talk about his Ex....keep a professional distance , which I think hasn't been the case up till now.

Summer2020 · 03/09/2017 11:37

Thanks all, i agree there is not much hard evidence from a HR point of view and I'm not sure I want to go down that route. I sometimes feel as though I'm over thinking things and misinterpreting 'office flirting/banter'. The thing is, he has never texted me out of hours and if he does it is v professional. When we went out drinking he didn't pay on the credit card which I thought was strange. Recently, he referred to us as a couple rather than a team and it made me feel a bit awkward. We both start and finish at the same time so it is hard to avoid him or change my hours (due to kids). He has not done anything overtly bad but the small things that I've mentioned in my original post are beginning to make me think there is more to this. I have already stopped flirting but I cannot stop talking to him as he is my boss.

OP posts:
Summer2020 · 03/09/2017 11:44

Also, I don't want to piss him off to the detriment of my career, I've seen him hold grudges with other team members and their careers have suffered. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of his behind (I did too initially) but I'm starting to feel awkward around him now. I talk about my husband all the time but he always twists the conversation into something negative about my husband (in a very subtle way). I'm annoyed as I feel as though he is playing with my mind and I hate the fact that he is the boss. If he wasn't I think I would have been a lot more up front and assertive.

OP posts:
blueskyred · 03/09/2017 12:00

You flirted with him. You weren't professional either. But because he is more senior, more in terms of professionalism is expected from him.
He is a creep and you acted like you're enjoying the attention. I know you say it's how you are blah blah but your actions are one thing and who you are deep down is another. People judge intentions by actions, they aren't mind readers.
He ignores that you have a husband because he's up for an affair.
Be more professional, leave the job or complain to HR.

blueskyred · 03/09/2017 12:03

It's interesting you posted in relationships not in work or employment section..
Yes, he sounds like he wants to have sex with you. Probably tried it on with all 'fuckable' employees before you, too.

bananafanana1 · 03/09/2017 12:09

I've had something similar. I reported it to HR but asked for no action- I just wanted it logged. It helped when he tried to mark me down in my performance review after I spurned his advances.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 03/09/2017 12:15

I was flirty but that's what I'm like with everyone.

What could he say to HR about your 'flirting' if you did take it further?

You need to shut it down. Don't allow time for talk about his Ex....keep a professional distance

Is good advice.

RhubardGin · 03/09/2017 12:15

I was flirty but that's what I'm like with everyone

Well I wonder why he thinks he can be flirty with you Hmm

Completely inappropriate to be flirty with your boss. There's a time and a place.

Maybe you should stop being so flirty with everyone before rumours start.

Summer2020 · 03/09/2017 12:19

Bananafana1, what advice did HR give you? Did they inform your boss?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/09/2017 12:23

You're flirty with everyone, but it's inappropriate when someone flirts back?

Or is it just that you find his particular flirting, too much for you?

Either way, my advice is to stop flirting with him. Try to be professional from this point onwards and hopefully, he will do the same.

Oh and obviously stop going to parties/nights out with him.

Summer2020 · 03/09/2017 12:25

Thank you, I was wrong too.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 12:40

I talk about my husband all the time but he always twists the conversation into something negative about my husband (in a very subtle way)

You need to subtly tell him how you despise people being negative about your husband and family in general.

Or just refrain from personal talk with him altogether.

It's possible that he's bored in his marriage and looking for more. You need to (in conversation) make it clear you're happy in your marriage.

I suggest reading 'Not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass. Boundaries are key.

hannahbanana2007 · 03/09/2017 12:45

It's such a difficult situation to be in, but I agree that HR won't necessarily be able to anything (at the moment). The advice to stop going on any of the nights out is good - just constantly tell them you have plans (with your husband!) to avoid being in an out of work environment with him. And then keep everything in work extremely professional, any personal conversations can be politely replied to and then steer the conversation back to work. I would personally see how that changes things over the next few weeks and then decide whether HR need to be involved (even if just to put it on file as a previously poster suggested). Don't blame yourself - most people are capable of friendly banter without becoming a creep like this guy has, and that's on him

Summer2020 · 03/09/2017 12:49

Thank you Sandy, I have made it clear how much I love spending time with my husband and how I look forward to our weekends together and how he is kind and a great father/husband. I do try to limit personal conversation but sometimes there are others around who start it. I will just have to be extra careful and not socialise after work with him. There must be something going on with his personal life as he no longer wears a wedding ring and his wife goes abroad (a lot) without him.

OP posts:
thisfamily · 03/09/2017 12:49

Keep evidence, screen shots and all.
He is definitely acting very unprofessionally and sexually harassing you.

CharlieBoo · 03/09/2017 13:57

His behaviour is completely unacceptable.. what a creep!! I would avoid contact with him that is not work related.. keep it professional and business like. Let this be a lesson to you too how innocent flirting can lead to unwanted attention from men like him. At work just keep it simple and straightforward is my advice.

Summer2020 · 03/09/2017 18:14

Worst is the album he purchased and wanted me to collect has a song about obsession on it. I don't think this has happened by chance somehow and I now wonder who else he is grooming in this way

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/09/2017 18:27

So you took his album out of the packaging, and nosed down all the songs in the list? Confused

I'm not sure he's the only one obsessed here to be honest.

OlderGolder · 03/09/2017 18:35

Can you send a dated email to yourself about the actions he's taken that make you uncomfortable and the plan of action to get him to change his behaviour.

It might be worth saying to him in a really non-flirtatious way, so, these projects............. I look forward to working on them.

Next time he makes an inappropriate comment say ''that's inappropriate'' or ''that's over familiar''. HOpefully he'll just wind himself back in without hating you.

So depressing when men go from leching over you to being asked to keep a distance to hating you in the space of a few days.

OlderGolder · 03/09/2017 18:37

PS, single person perspective here. Don't use your husband as the reason for not flirting with him!

Just make it clear that you don't want to flirt with him.

That ''oh but Im married!'' is like saying ''oh if only I were allowed!'' it stokes men up and it hides behind another man rather than just being honest enough to say ''you're behaving inappropriately and making me uncomfortable''.

Summer2020 · 02/10/2017 20:16

Today he told me that I have to go on a work trip with him over night in York and I said i couldn't due to child care commitments. He told me to get my husband to look after the kids or a babysitter. I said I couldn't and he became cold and angry towards me for the rest of the day. He even blamed me for something I didn't do. I've kept a log of everything. He sent me a text two weeks ago with some random picture and two kisses and said the text wasn't meant for me. I ignored it but I'm becoming increasingly sad at work and dread each day. The list I've put together does not seem concrete enough for HR. I'm so tempted to just leave as he is making me feel so crap

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page