How do you gain acceptance over things that won't change?

[DamsonGin]

Over the last few years I've come to realise that my parents are just a bit shit at grandparenting, especially with any level of practical support and getting involved / engaging with our DC (one with additional needs). It's upset me and left me stressed out during and after seeing them.

They live 250 miles away so visits are fewer but for at least a long weekend each time. It's hard work, much harder than staying at home. We only have a very small house so it's tricky with them visiting us. They are staying at a nearby budget hotel to see us for a couple of days soon but I'm just not sure I want to see them.

I know they won't change. It's not done out of malice but from things just not occurring to them and just the way they live their lives. Occasional things I can ask about, most I just have to do myself or lump it. They are overall nice people and not narcissistic.

We get little support from DH's family but that's more due to them being quite elderly, and also about 200 miles away. They do help and enjoy the DC's company but a recent big family event made it clear that the DC still just get forgotten about, but again not out of malice.

How do I gain acceptance of the situation so that I'm not so upset by it? Does that just come with time? I haven't really worked out how to visit my parents with less stress in future yet, will it help when I've got some plan around that? Do I need to speak to them about how I feel (not something that comes naturally to our family)?

Bump. Any books or blogs would also be great.

What have they actually done that you think is neglectful? What are your expectations of them? What things don't occur to them? Sorry for all the questions but it isn't clear what the problem is.

I know this is not AIBU but you are being unreasonable to expect them to be anything but themselves.

What do you want them to do? It almost sounds as if you have a lovely - but false - picture in your mind of grandparents milling round anticipating your every whim....

Mine were crap btw - never offered or did anything.

Whatever they are they are. So facing that reality is best. Then you have no false expectations. Also gps can be better with older dc so maybe they will improve as time goes on. What l found with my dc is they get security from knowing these people are familiar and part of their family. They dont need much as long as its not negative or abusive.
Maybe accepting that gps are often not the movie version. They are a different generation where often dc were seen and not heard. They have no clue sometimes what to do.

I understand where you are coming from Damson.

Lots of grandparents dote on their grandchildren and love them madly, see their beauty and have great fun with them (without all the responsibility).

Others are more distant. Old age, poor health, or just a more distant nature etc. But I agree with junebirthday, it can be surprising but some love and connection can still happen even if its not Hollywood level. If they are really distant, uninvolved, there is not much you can do .

It can be harder if they live further away. It sounds terribly stressful, your visit. Perhaps its better if they come to you and stay in a hotel? How old are the GPs?

Thank you for the replies.

They're in their 70s, both in good health. They have quite a different standard when it comes to things like food hygiene and cleaning, which I can handle and manage, e.g. I'll get the DCs meals sorted ('fussy' sensory issues anyway so I've just always sorted that). It's just doing that on top of entertaining and supervising them and making sure things like weedkiller or stanley knives haven't been left lying about again. (Dc are 7, and 11 with adhd, doesn't always have his sensible head switched on)

Dad has never said he's good with small children but Mum prides herself on family, just rarely takes her head out of a book. It's tiring and I'd say the DC enjoy the visits except I end up highly strung and much quicker to snap.

I don't expect them to change, I'm happy that they're leading their lives without caring responsibilities they've had in recent years. Their town, where I grew up, is also one of my favourite places to be, and I'd like to be able to enjoy visiting. And it's realistically the only way I get to see my DB and DNephew. I know I can't expect them to be like other grandparents I see round, I just need to deal with it. Face reality, as you say june.