Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I need help - can't adjust after marriage breakdown

13 replies

StrugglingToAdjust · 02/09/2017 10:07

One year after he walked out, STBXH has started divorce proceedings. I'm a mess. I cry every day. I don't seem to get over it - it's been a year ffs.

During this year, I lost so many friends. They all chose him. I am desperately trying to make new ones but no one seems interested. Everyone has their partners, children, families. I'm so lonely, it's crushing at times. I wake up with a knot in my stomach everyday. And sometimes I wonder why I get up. For whom.

How do I get through it. I feel so pathetic, I can't stop thinking about it all and am so upset.

I hate this.

OP posts:

Original poster

StrugglingToAdjust · 02/09/2017 11:11

No one? I feel I'm trying so hard but nothing works.

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 02/09/2017 11:17

Have you had any counselling? Do you have children? I don't have any professional help to offer, sorry, and I know how hard this can be

alembec · 02/09/2017 11:27

Sorry to hear this my darling. How would you feel about thinking about this anniversary as a brand new start - get rid of all attachment to him, your old life. If you pretend that you had just arrived at your city alone, and had to start all over again, what would you do? Can you do those things?

alembec · 02/09/2017 11:28

And also, you get up for you! Even if it is to do the one thing you enjoy (apart from brooding over this), be it to drink a lovely coffee, to watch east Enders, to do your make up...

Original poster

StrugglingToAdjust · 02/09/2017 12:08

Thank you for your replies. It means a lot. No children unfortunately. I'm scared I'll never have a family how. He forced me into starting all over again and I hate him for it.

I feel too anxious to venture far from the house at the moment. There are families everywhere. But, thinking about it as having just arrived might work. I am currently changing things in the house. It's hard though as so many memories and not a lot of money.

I've been trying to find some volunteering as I feel I need to belong somewhere. No luck as yet though.

OP posts:

EezerGoode · 02/09/2017 12:11

How old are you petal? Is there still time to have children? Could you adopt as a single mum?

ferrier · 02/09/2017 12:14

Volunteering is a really good idea.
You need to get your self esteem back. It's understandably taken a bit of a battering. Could you sign up to something like an exercise class or a walking group too?

Mushroomburger17 · 02/09/2017 12:24

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It will pass. I think you should seek out counselling as that will really help you process things.

Are you staying in the house? Do you work? When I had a relationship breakdown I was very anxious and lonely. I kept busy and did eventually make a friendship group through work. I had lost my main friendship group as they were closer to ex. I found the gym really useful as it was somewhere to go and I also lost lots of weight. I said yes to all invitations even if they weren't my thing.

The anxiety passed but I was in a routine with work etc which helped.

Why did he leave? Was it an awful shock?

I think you will be great as you have a blank canvas and only yourself to please.

mypoornips · 02/09/2017 12:25

I found yoga and meditation really helpful when I had my heart badly broken. Really helps focus the mi d in something else for a while.

Original poster

StrugglingToAdjust · 02/09/2017 12:41

I'm 35 so there might be time. Not sure whether anyone would want me though. STBXH preferred his 25 year old blonde affair to me.

I have friends through work but none for the weekend iykwim. They all have families, I'm the only single. Volunteering might be nice. Gym too. I need to lose weight.

OP posts:

coffeeandchocolate4 · 02/09/2017 15:06

You've got plenty of time for children and believe me, having a baby when you separate isn't any better (STBXH walked out 3 months post birth). The one thing I've found helpful is counselling, the gym and making a plan for each day. You'll get through this

8FencingWire · 02/09/2017 15:16

I'm nearly teo years down the line.
It does get better, in fact, you will get to the point where you'll be so happy and so mad for putting up with a sad excuse of a man.
There will be one morning when you wake up happy and calm and excited for the day ahead, having your morning coffee in peace and quiet, take your tidy and happy surroundings in and just realise how much better you are without him. You'll feel empowered and carefree and realise you sort of forgot to love yourself and you'll be in a hurry to do all these nice things for yourself.

Trust me.

Shayelle · 02/09/2017 21:29

I agree with 8FencingWire. Im 36, single live alone with no kids, you just get to please yourself and you'll really enjoy it in time. I moved to a brand new area in January, i joined a local gym, and went on meet-up and ive made some lovely friends. You have to structure weekends and plan things in advance so you dont get lonely. You can do this, youre not alone xx

Flip