I feel so bloody alone!

[BringMeSunshinePlease]

I've had a fall out with DSS (18). To cut a long story short he overheard a row between his dad and I. He's said a lot of very hurtful things to me and I've done my very best to consider his point of view and act the adult so I've responded with consideration.

He's quite young for 18 and still very realiant on us and his mum for everything. He has a little waiter job, is still in education but can't drive and earns a pittance. He uses any spare cash to enjoy time with his girlfriend (obvs no issues here).

I think I do a lot for him on top of the usual step mum responsibilities. E.g. I've paid for extra driving lessons and I'll do anything to help him financially or emotionally.

So I don't think i deserve the roasting I've had from him.

His dad thinks he's slightly out of order and has had a very gentle discussion with him that he should focus more on the good I do than the bad but thinks I should just forget every thing he's said only 24-36 hours after he's said it. His dad gets very cross if I bring it up and expects me to carry on as though nothing has happened.

Any advice / comments appreciated.

It is probably relevant to say he said he was disgusted and ashamed by me. His dad contributed equally to the row!

It must be hard. Stay calm, be adult, but let him know that you have been shocked and upset by what he's said. Tell him that you work hard to support him (mention the driving lessons), tell him that your dad and you won't always agree but that should not affect your relationship. Tell him that you would really appreciate an apology, or to know that he doesn't Donald you disgusting and he's ashamed of you.

Donald = think you are!

Thanks, I asked him for an apology but he refused and gave me a whole load more unpleasantness.

I don't know how your OH's divorce went but even if you came into DSS's life a long time after it your DSS may have unresolved emotions about it all. He may have some buried or so not buried resentment about anyone who would "take his dad away" from him even though he may rationally understand it is irrational to take it out on you.

He is only 18 - try to empathise with that. Perhaps he felt angry that his family was broken up so his dad could be free to seek happiness elsewhere and then he finds you and his dad were arguing - that may not be the reason for the divorce at all (given i don't know you) but it is an example of the kind of thing that can still bring up emotions decades later. families say horrid things to each other and then move on - teens are hard- you have to suck up critcism sometimes and be the bigger/ more adult person.

Teens are very difficult, well just stay cool and calm and play a waiting game, but in your position I wouldn't pay for any more stuff for him. How did you get on before this? What did he hear that may have made him like this?

Have you posted about this before? Just recently?

Thank you Wormulion, that's helpful. We got together a year after DH split from his ex but I can understand the point of view that in order to find happiness for DH, DSS's family was broken apart, only for him to overhear our row. It must be quite confusing. Your comments have helped. He's very protective of his dad and I understand that.

Squeegle - we got on extremely well beforehand. DSS is having a few issues with him mum and he was sounding off to me. I was listening and not judging. I think he felt he could always talk to me. He heard his dad and I rowing, I guess we both said things we regretted afterwards. I swore at his dad and he swore back. This is what DSS heard.

Yes Finola, I posted about the first part of his bevaviour in the step forum. Since then it's escalated into a problem between me and his dad and my relations with DSS (I feel) are getting worse).

Stop buying his shit.
He's 18. He should know better.

Oh my lord, it's getting slowly worse!! He is pushing every button and it's taking everything in me not to scream the place down!

I have been with his father almost three years and I have never seen this side of him. I now feel our whole relationship has been fake. He is playing games, being vile to me behind his dad's back.

Never have I known such a selfish individual. He is obsessed with himself and everyone else can go to hell! He's never getting another thing from me.

I'm sorry you are having this. It must be worth talking to his dad about this; teens are awful - even to their own parents of course, but you definitely need a united and supportive front.

He is an adult so not sure why excuses are bing made. But your financial assistance should stop now. He has no respect for you and unless he apologises I would be keeping your distance. Or try set your phone to record and let his df hear how he speaks to you.
This may be crunch time in your relationship op.

I fear my relationship with DP is seriously suffering from this. I have had no support from him this weekend and DSS has been awful! DP won't have a word said against him and if I say even the slightest hint of criticism he's snapping and nasty. I don't know who I can confide in or where I can get support.

Unfortunately if your dp isn't on the same page it's not support you need but a new dp. .

Record him on your phone and just let him rant. Don't respond.

If your partner doesn't support you, then he's not the man for you. You deserve much, much better.

Yes Agree. At the end of the day adults need to agree how they will deal with teenagers. If they can't agree then the outlook is not good.

Well that's escalated quickly. I'm confused as to why his being ashamed and embarrassed response, at overhearing you swearing and calling his Dad names was out of order. Even though his father behaved the same way, he appears to have taken his biological parent's side and that's not that uncommon. I'm not sure what the expectation for an apology was about but it does sound like you didn't behave well and he called you out on it.

Now he's being nasty and vile, which given the earlier incident you really are going to have to spell out in order to determine if he is. However, as others have said your partner is the problem and I would add that your expectations might be too.

It sounds like everyone in the household has some growing up to do.

It hasn't escalated quickly, it's taken two weeks!

It wasn't just that he said he was angry at my private conversation with his dad, it was that he's continued to rude, arrogant, spoiled, selfish and extremely unpleasant since the event.

My expectations are simply that we all get on without fighting and with show respect to each other.

His father is acting like he can do no wrong, i'm afraid I very much disagree on this occasion which is a shame as we've previously got on very well.