I need MN reality please

[unhappynow]

Name changed as don't want to be recognised, and sorry if this is long.

I was abused as a child, and I honk this has clouded my view of the world. Was determined that my children would grow up not scares of their Dad and I would be in a happy marriage...

Been married now for 19 years with two boys, DH has always been a drinker but it's never been as bad as now, he drinks at least 2 beers and a bottle of wine a night, and is a not nice drunk i.e. verbally unkind.

We have been away on holiday for the last two weeks on holiday and his behaviour has been awful, he snipes at me, tells me I'm mithering him if I talk to him, and has controlled the holiday so it has been one the worse holidays I've ever been on.

He can be kind, but it generally stoic and shows no emotion. I know I don't want this for my future, but can't summon up the courage to leave.

You don't need to justify to him, us or yourself WHY you want to leave (although your reasons are nore than valid but just wanting to is enough). The life changes that a separation inevitably cause can make staying easier. But just keep the end goal in mind. A life free of his control and abuse . You are not secondary to him and you can call the shots as much as you want. Keep posting until the courage starts to come

Thank you, I didn't used to think it was wrong, I just accepted it as it was no different to my childhood. In fact one of the things he says to me in disgust is "you're just like your father".

I have debts I need to settle - accumulated due to unhappiness and paying for things when there's no money in joint account - but I think I'll create a plan. Part of of it is to take control of my own life.