Feel frumpy and unattractive

[inadifficultsituation]

Went out with a much younger friend last night. Have only recently got to know her and she is lovely - kind, funny, perceptive etc...

I am going through a weird divorce where no one has acknowledged it yet - especially H . We have been estranged but in the same house since October of last year. It's stressful but has become the norm. This follows years of H not being kind to me and showing me no affection / being very uninterested in sex...

My friend and I were talking about dating last night. She wants to meet someone. We were discussing the ways it could happen. We talked about internet dating. I said I would not be able to handle the rejection. She then said that it's easier for older people in her opinion, as they are more straightforward about what they want. Later on in the conversation she was also talking about everyone deserving love and affection, no matter how old they are or look. Well shoot me now is what I think. I thought I looked OK for my age and a bit younger than I am. Maybe not .

It's quite depressing - I am about a stone overweight and think I look a bit frumpy. If I lose it will my face look older though? I have wonky teeth which I hate. I could see my friend getting admiring glances. She's beautiful and in her late 20s and so this is that time in her life.

I feel invisible though - in general, not just last night - and it's not a nice feeling. It doesn't help that the second half of my marriage has been really crap, so that's about 10 years of difficult behaviour and not being wanted by my husband. And here I am at 48 now, with probably little chance of meeting someone else.

Is there any way I can feel better about how I look? I think I was much more attractive than I gave myself credit for, yet I have wasted those years on someone who does not give a shit. I have dc though, so it is only now that I have had the courage to try and extricate myself from this marriage. It is very painful and is going to be long and protracted as H has already shown signs of how difficult he is going to make it.

Maybe at 48 I need to be grateful that I am healthy and still here. I really am truly grateful about that.

And it is literally years since my husband has told me I look nice. That really does something to you - the lack of validation.

Why have you posted this in AIBU? YABU to think you'll never meet someone at the age of 48. With that attitude you're making it much harder for yourself.

Well first of all for you, ina, that sounds tough. What specifically makes you feel 'frumpy'?

The quickest and easiest way to feel better is to get a decent hair cut. Also get your eyebrows done - I prefer threading because my bushy brows look much neater! Do you exercise? Could you make time to join a group so you meet people, get exercise and increase in confidence? New clothing can help too. I've lost weight recently and realised I felt frumpy because I hid away in dark, cheap clothes that disguised my shape. I've overhauled my wardrobe (nothing fitted anyway!) and bought a few slightly more expensive, decent quality items, most of which go together, so I can pick stuff quickly and put together an outfit and feel good without stressing too much. I hope my bumping this now will bring other people along too. It might be worth asking MNHQ to move this to Style and beauty where you'd get more help? If you want to, just report your post and ask for it to be moved.

You're right - I've asked for it to be moved to relationships.

I am going to be honest. I think if you feel frumpy and unattractive that will show in your demeanour.

Its really shit to not have any compliments from the person you are sharing your life with. But eventually you need to stop relying on others to make your feel better about yourself.

Its easiee said than done. I got there by just eventually getting pissed off with trying to be other peoples version of attractive. Not having my hair how i want, but what i thought other people liked, not wearing what i want because of what other people thought.

Because i still wasnt happy. I shaved part of my head and dyed my hair bright colour i wanted. I started dressing how i wanted. Not what i thought i should wear. I lost weight because i wasnt happy.

I am not overly beautiful or have a body that is held up as the ideal. But i am happy with it. I accept me for who i am and am kind to myself.

I attract much more attention in the last 2 years (35 now) than i did in my twenties. I am far more popular with men and women. But only since i stopped worrting abiut how attractive i was and started making myself happy.

Can you take it one step at a time. If yiu are unhappy with your weight, change one thing. Buy a few new pieces for yiur wardrobe, get a new hairstyle?

How you look is not the be all and end all. You need to pursue being happy with yourself.

Sorry, missed your post FaithAgain. I think you're right - my wardrobe (or the clothes that fit me!) is not great at the moment. Could definitely get my eyebrows done as well and need to exercise more.

Thanks for your post.

Thanks also gorgosparta - I agree that looks are not everything. One step at a time sounds doable. Also being the person you want to be is more attractive.

Still, at a very animal level, no one is going to want me now - the way I might have been wanted when I looked more fertile. Is this what it boils down to maybe?

Do you think all people are looking for someone to procreate with?

I was 28 when i had my last child. I was done. I dont want any more kids.

I would not date someone younger because they will, most likely want kids at some point. Its a huge no no for me. Same for my dad when him and mum split. He didnt want more kids.

Plenty of men (assuming it men you mean) have had kids. Dont want more or any. Many are looking for people to share their lives with. Not having a family with.

If you keep thinking your worth is in your attractiveness or fertility, it will show that you think you are not worth anything.

For what its worth i think you need to take time to become happy with yourself before you start looking for a new partner or dating. Spend some time figuring out what you want out of life. Not just what you want in a partner.

A few points

Stop comparing yourself to people in their late 20s

The world is full of people who have found their partner at 50.

Your friend is right in that at this age you know what you want in a partner

I agree with the feel frumpy be frumpy school of thought. I am very frumpy right now with too much grey hair shit teeth, 4 stone over weight and shit clothes. But when I was all those things and confident last year, it's like it didn't matter? Now I've lost my confidence in myself, my looks, my self worth, I feel awful and I look awful.

I start a course next week and I want to look a little better when I go on it so I'm going to make a start on me for me but it's hard going.

Hair and nails and eyebrows and the rest can all be improved but you won't shake that feeling until your own self worth improved. I would imagine living with someone who hasn't a kind word to say to you is very demorimolising. Is there any way to move/have him move?

I think you need to find some kind of activity that boosts your self-esteem. Join a choir, a running club, something that gets you out of the house, meet new people. Do something that's just for you for fun! I wouldn't even worry about meeting someone else romantically right now. Do something for you and make new friends. The rest will follow in time.

How you feel about yourself plays a large part in how attractive you are to others.
First off, as someone else said, do t compare yourself to a younger woman. Do you really want admiring glances from men in their 20s at 48?
A stone is nothing to lose really. You could do it in 2 months (if that would make you feel more confident). Set yourself small goals and targets and that should help your confidence when you achieve them. Your situation must be really dragging you down but it will get better.
I divorced 3 years ago. I'd just had a baby, I was fat, lived in a tracksuit, never got my hair done, bit my nails. Now, I've been told I alwAys look so glam (me??!), and have a great wardrobe (again, me??!). I just found my confidence and started believing I wasn't worthless. You can turn this around, you really aren't too old.

Blimey, not the kindest of responses ArgyMargy!

OP it's entirely understandable that you're feeling at a low ebb and lacking in confidence. It sounds like the last few years have been pretty dreadful and having a partner who doesn't support you and make you feel loved and appreciated can be very damaging to your self-esteem (FAR worse than no partner at all in my opinion).

To be honest most people in their late 20s probably think people in their late 40s are REALLY OLD. I also find myself thinking all people in their twenties and younger look very beautiful just because of their fresh-faced vitality probably, but I doubt many of them think it themselves, no one ever appreciates it at the time.

Don't compare yourself to people 20 years younger, it's just not a reasonable comparasion. In fact try not to compare yourself to any else at all. Once you get out of what sounds like a very stressful and unhappy situation (get rid of him as soon as possible!), you can enjoy some lovely time to yourself, re-building your confidence and undoing the damage that relationship has done.

Er, other posters said the same thing just in a more long winded way!

I think you need to get doing stuff that you want to do for yourself, not to get you a partner. The most attractive people are those who ate comfortable in their own skin, not trying to meet someone else's targets.

Essentially be happy I suppose, or find what makes you happy.

And best of luck, you sound like you'll do it!

Hello OP, for you.

We're going to move this over to Relationships now.

OP, when I was in your position at 37 and felt exactly as you describe, I had a bit of an overhaul. My exhusband's lack of interest in me, my own lack of interest in me, and some questionable messages about myself I'd received growing up, meant that I just didn't really care. And, looking back, I was reasonably attractive in those days!

I went to the hairdressers (for the first time in years - probably 10) and had my hair cut and coloured. I made an effort to keep my nails neat and tidy and lost 2 stone. It didn't help me find a man! Although, it did make me feel a hell of a lot better about myself!

And I wouldn't worry too much about your younger friend and what she thinks. When you're in your 20s, people in their 40s are older!

This is your time now. Time to reinvent yourself and become the person you always wanted to be but were unable to fully develop before.

Think about your hobbies and interests, values, beliefs, way of living and live mindfully and purposefully and this can be the start of something beautiful!

You can worry about a man further down the line when you have fallen back in love with yourself

Thanks for your messages, and for moving my post Becky.

Yes I will try to concentrate on what makes me happy, but it's hard when I am so worried about what the immediate divorce related future brings. I think there is going to be a big battle ahead - H is behaving as if I he doesn't have to pay any attention to what I or the solicitor say. Legally he doesn't at this stage, but when it gets to the stage that he does, I think it is going to be awful. Neither of us would move out right now, probably for similar reasons. And interwoven with all this is the wondering if I am making a mistake (I don't think I am), and the gut wrenching sadness at what is happening. My whole reason for living being torn apart is how it feels - something sacrilegious and awful. Yet I can't stop it from happening.

I think I made it sound as if I really want a new partner, I don't really - nor can I imagine it. I just hate that horrible feeling of being out of life somehow. That physical and emotional affection is for other people and not for me. And I have felt like this in my marriage for years. So in the end you do feel as if there is something wrong with me.

But also, attraction is physical at first - why would someone go for me when there are so many younger people around. Genuine question.

I think younger people are spoken to less formally as well - I don't like the whole "madam" thing.

Anyway - not sure if I want to put myself in a situation where I am made to feel ancient again. And am told that it doesn't matter "how old I look" .

I do feel