Husband on dating sites, Don't know what to do next?

[mrsplopper]

Been with my husband 15 years. We have a 12 yr old son. It's never been an easy relationship, he's in the military, so spent a lot of time away from us.
I've mostly stayed at home, in our house.
He's quite selfish, he drinks, he's abusive, when drunk, been violent in the past. I've never trusted him, but never actually caught him cheating. Although he cheated several times on his first wife.
In January, he came home, after living apart for 6 months, he was abroad. He was distant, more grumpy than usual, disinterested in family stuff. No sex life, he didn't come to bed until the early hrs.
I got suspicious and looked on his internet history, he's usually very careful to delete everything. But I saw he had been on lots of porn, and hook up sites.
I confronted him and we had massive row, he was really angry that I'd been 'snooping' on him. I told him I was really hurt that he never came to bed and we never had sex, yet he's on endless porn?
Anyway I carried on looking for evidence, then found he'd had Tinder and Plenty of fish apps. They were deleted, but he'd Downloaded Tinder, when he was abroad.
Again I confronted him, had another massive row, he swore he'd only looked on it, out of curiosity.
I was so upset, I made him move out and live at the mess, it's only down the road from where we live.
He's been there 2 months now, I suggested we go relate, which we have, but we seem to be going in circles. He swears he wants to move back home, that he's never done anything, only looked.
Thinks I'm making a big deal of it.
I was kind of backing down, we'd agreed to see each other and date, see how it went, we'd even had sex couple of times.
But I still felt suspicious as I'm sure he's spent nights out all night, so I looked in his email, and saw that he'd joined another dating site! Again I've confronted him, whys he doing it if he wants us to make a go of it? Again he says he only looked?
I don't know what to do? I don't think I'll ever trust him again, but because he denies doing anything, I don't know if I'm over reacting or not?

It's not meant to be this hard.

Even if he is telling the truth and he's "just looking". Why is he "just looking" at dating sites? I'll tell you why... Because he wants to know what's out there.

Op you should have left when he was first violent to you. You say yourself he drinks too much and is abusive. The hookup sites aren't even the worst part of your marriage. Honestly, try to look at it clearly if you can. Is there really any point to carrying on with this?

Can you not perhaps look into splitting up? Won't you be so much happier in the end??

He's joined another one since you had the conversation. He's not going to stop, or respect your wishes, at this point do you really believe he's just looking because he's curious?
He sounds nasty and selfish. You'll be happier without him.

Also doesn't seem to be making any effort to hide it so either cares very little what you think, or is extremely dumb.

He's quite selfish, he drinks, he's abusive, when drunk, been violent in the past. I've never trusted him

End it now. You deserve more. Didn't even have to read past your second paragraph to see that.

He won't change. Why would he? You keep saying ok. Get things in place for this to be a permenant break.

What's drawing you back to him OP? He's a violent, abusive drunk and you seem determined to cause yourself even more misery by reconciling with him. In all honesty I think you need some one on one counselling to help you see the wood for the trees so do get that ball rolling. Good for you on getting him to move out though - keep him there, away from you. Him playing away is the least of your problems but do go and get an STI check especially if he spends postings in countries deemed higher risk from an STI point of view.

Violent, drinks too much, checks out other women on dating sites. What you 'do' is decide whether you want this to be the rest of your life, or not. As in, you will repeat the same pattern for years. In 5 years time you will still be looking for evidence then when you find it, you will confront he will deny, then whole charade starts again. Like groundhog day. You could waste all your good years on this farce. But its up to you

He drinks, he's abusive, he's been violent, and he's a cheating liar. Why are you even asking what you should do? You already know. Dump this lying sack of shit already.

Right now it's a bit 'easier' for you to sort of tolerate his bullshit because he's gone on duty for months at a time. Yes, it's painful, but always in the back of your mind is 'he'll be off again for 6 months soon and then I'll get some peace'. The thing you need to remember is that eventually he will leave the forces and you will be stuck with him full time with no end in sight.

Get out now whilst you can. See a solicitor and start to find out about what spouse or family benefits you will lose (housing, stipend, etc) when you divorce. Many bases have good advisors and offer help for forces wives in abusive or intolerable marriages.

Have you ever threatened to speak to his CO about his abusive behaviour? In the US, even a misdemeanor abuse conviction might end a military career. It's a powerful threat.

OP you have a 12 year old son. He is seeing all of this. The arguing, the crying and the violence. You are teaching him that abuse is normal and that fear and anxiety are normal.

For his sake and for your own, get out. Your partner has already emotionally checked out. He is seeking physical connection elsewhere too. There is no relationship left to salvage and even if there was some shred left, he has been violent!

You only get one shot at life. You are wasting precious time on a man who doesn't love you and doesn't seem to even like you that much. Get rid of him and show your boy what a strong woman you are and how a healthy relationship should be.

Your partner threw away his family. What an utter tosser! You can do much better than him.

Get rid of him....seems very immature.....tell him you need a real man in your life not a bloody man child....divorce him take him for every penny you can and build a new life fir you and your son....leave him to his wanky dating apps....prob won't be so appealing when he is on his own and does not have you a real caring loving person to come home to

Omg what is with some people. It's not rocket science is It!! Married equals no dating sites. He's unlikely to stop as clearly doesn't respect you in anyway. I think the time has come to wind things up. Sorry.

He joined another dating site because he doesn't care about you or your relationship -there is a plethora of evidence for this, not least that you don't punch someone you love. You can try and convince yourself otherwise by repeating the (pathetic) declarations he will no doubt of made to you about wanting to "save the relationship" and of how much he 'loves' you really - he's probably under stress, right?

Talk is cheap, actions are what counts and you are living in denial about who he really is every day you stay with him. Repeat his actions to yourself, not his bullshit words. Leaving might seem hard right now, but every day you stay will erode you a little further and eventually there will be nothing left of your self-esteem, and pretty much life is over at that point.

Honestly OP, he's paying zero respect. It almost sounds like he despises you.
For your own sanity, end it

Actions speak louder words and his are clearly saying that he's not going to do anything beyond paying lip service. The question isn't 'why is he like this?' but 'why do I let him continue to treat me baldly'

The balls in the court of the party that doesn't prefer the status quo.

Wow thanks everybody!
This is what I think as well, but nobody to confide in. Also I have no confidence left.
I've put up with his behavior for so many years, I was too scared to leave, when son was younger, as I had no where to go, no money etc.
I guess to me it's normal life now. But I do hate it for my son, seeing it.
Although he's not that close to his dad either.
Ive just started a part-time job, so I know I could claim tax credits, but I still feel lost and useless.

I promise you'll feel less useless and lost when you follow through on the decision you've been wanting to make for years. You might even feel purposeful and strong 😊

Just make one step. And let that step be seeing a solicitor. You'd be surprised how much stronger you will feel once you've gotten the information you need to know what to expect as far as child maintenance, property, assets, moving closer to your family for support if that's wise ,etc. Once you have an idea of what to expect, you'll find it relatively easy to move on to 'how do I do this now that I know'. Knowledge truly is power.

Also, consider picking one person, someone level-headed that you trust to keep your confidence. Then confide in that person. It makes things 'real'. And reality is always easier to confront than nameless, baseless fear of the unknown.