Is this salvageable?

[LetDownFedUp]

Been with dh for 10 years, married for 5 with 2 dc's (5yo and 1yo).

I know this sounds trite but I married my dh genuinely thinking it would be for life and that nothing would split us up. We used to both be high earners but since dc1 was born I've had to become a sahm. Dc1 has asd is simply couldn't cope with nursery and now school without a lot of help from me. I admit I feel resentful of dh being able to continue his career whereas I will never get back anywhere near the level I was even if I went back to work tomorrow.

I have had pnd since dc1 was born and have been on medication for nearly 5 years. In that time dh has not once asked how I'm feeling about, if I feel medication is helping, anything. In his mind it is just dealt with. This is despite him regularly coming home and finding me sobbing on my own. He'll just ask if I want a cup of tea.

He works ridiculous hours (he's still not home yet) and never tells me when he'll be back, if he's eating out, if he's running to the station from work so will be an hour longer or anything.

I just feel like I've ceased to exist for him. He did something very hurtful on my birthday nearly a year ago, since then we haven't had sex. He's not said anything about it, or even tried to make a move on me.

I keep telling myself I just need to make more of an effort, that I can make it work if I try harder. I try to engage him in conversation and I'll get a grunt, if I suggest something nice we could do together I'll get a 'hmm that could be fun' then it will never be mentioned again.

If I try to discuss with him how I feel or what the fuck is going on with our relationship I'm told I'm being over sensitive and that the first few years with dc's are hard.

We're going on holiday with dc's soon and I'm going to force him to talk to me then. If he won't I've decided I'm leaving. I just can't spend my life with an adult who barely registers my existence.

I don't know if I love him anymore. I still respect him a lot. He's the smartest person I've ever met, we share lots of similar, quirky interests. He claims to absolutely adore the dc's but is pretty useless with them. He won't engage in conversation with them and if ever left with them on his own the TVs will be on within minutes.

I strongly suspect he has some form of asd. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do?

You're deep in depression with very good reason. Your husband could be doing anything when he's late home. What a sad life for you and your children : you're right to think of leaving.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any words of wisdom - am not really very wise - but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're feeling like this, (I do know the all encompassing struggles of having a child with ASD), and sorry your husband is so unsupportive.

I'm not surprised you're thinking of leaving. It isn't fair of him not to tell you when he's coming home; it isn't fair that the entire responsibility for the children falls to you, particularly when you have a child who needs additional time and effort; it isn't fair that he pays no attention to your feelings and shows no desire to help you find your way back to a happier place - he can't do it for you but he can support you!

Would he agree to go to marriage guidance counselling with you? It might give you a safe space to discuss your feelings without him being able to disregard what you say or walk away?

He's not being very nice or playing fair.

What's in this relationship,for you ? Do you want to make it work ? It counts like he's already checked out.

LDFU,

I am wondering how much of your depressed state these days is due to your H's behaviours towards you now. Probably a fair bit.

How can you respect someone like this at all; this shows me how much your own boundaries in relationships are skewed with regards to him. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you still there?. Its probably along the lines of fear of the unknown and hope for him to change along with other factors like money and the fear of being alone. He shows no respect for you whatsoever, he does not even bother calling you when he deigns to come home. That is not the hallmark of a respectful person either. He does not treat the wider world with such contempt either does he.

I would also stop lying to yourself re, "I keep telling myself I just need to make more of an effort, that I can make it work if I try harder". What is he doing here to improve things - seemingly nothing. It takes two to make a relationship work and he is patently not interested in either you or his children.

What do you want to teach them about relationships; surely not this crap role model of one. They are learning from you both that a loveless marriage will be their norm too, particularly if you were to stay with him. Would you want your children to have a relationship like yours is; of course not. Therefore you need to stop showing them (particularly your eldest) that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level. This is no legacy to leave your children it really is not.

Why do you strongly suspect he has some form of ASD when presumably he has never been assessed properly. You as his wife are woefully underqualified to write such a statement. ASD does not equal abusive behaviour. ASD is a lifelong disorder of social communication and social interaction. Your H is likely not on the ASD spectrum and nothing would excuse this behaviour from him towards you anyway. He is abusive towards you and in turn your children and treats you all with contempt.

I would seriously consider going on holiday with him at all tbh. You get nothing positive out of this relationship and you will simply take all these problems with you to sunnier climes.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are worth contacting as is the Rights of Women organisation re your legal rights. As you are married to this man, you have far more legal rights here. Seek legal advice re separation from this man asap. You do not have to act straight away and after all knowledge is power.

I'm not sure if he would agree to marriage counselling. TBH even if he did there would be very little time we could actually go and we'd have to take dc's with us.

We both come from very conservative backgrounds. I don't know anyone who has divorced despite recognising many of these men as being pretty bloody awful to their wives. I felt so lucky when I met dh. I'd always resigned myself to the fact I was going to end up marrying someone I didnt really like and dh was just like a breath of fresh air.

Wrt to what I get out of this relationship. Financial security is obviously a huge one. If we were to split I think dh would fully support us initially. However, I also think as soon as mil and SIL get their claws into him that would soon change. I think my dm would be supportive of me but the rest of our community would see me and dc's as an embarrassment. We live over 400 miles from both my dm and il's (opposite directions) so this wouldn't affect us on a daily basis.

I am also aware I'm in no way qualified to diagnose dh with asd. However, as I have ds with asd I do know a fair bit about it. I am in no way excusing his behaviour by mentioning the asd, just stating it as it does affect his reactions to a lot of situations.

Hi OP, reading your post it could have been written by me, so no wise words I'm afraid as I can't seem to figure it all out for myself either.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling like this. It's very easy for people to ask why you're staying etc but it's not easy, I do understand that.

I'm also left wondering if it's me, am I too demanding? Am I always nagging him? Do I ask for too much? Am I unappreciative of the life we have that he's out earning? I don't know if it's the same for you but I really can't see who's the unreasonable one now, it's all so blurred. The confusion doesn't help when you're trying to make a decision.

My husband too goes totally uncontactable Monday to Friday, I have no idea when or if he's coming home...and my personal favourite, him texting to say he's leaving work then still no sign of him or any further contact 4 hours later.

Anyway, no wise words I'm afraid just a sympathetic, understanding ear.

Maybe we're married to the same man Syd, that's why he's never around .

I know it sounds daft but I want to make it work. I don't want dc's to grow up in a broken home. It would turn nasty, I know it would. Even if not between dh and I then definitely at least between extended family. Is that worse than a distant father?

If I can just accept the way he is, stop expecting anything from him then perhaps I could at least make myself happy? I grew up with my parents at each others throats the whole time and I swore I'd never do that to my dc's.

Sorry, don't know what I want from posting this. Just navel gazing I guess.

"I know it sounds daft but I want to make it work. I don't want dc's to grow up in a broken home. It would turn nasty, I know it would. Even if not between dh and I then definitely at least between extended family. Is that worse than a distant father?

It takes two to make a relationship work and your fella is not interested in making that happen. You are basically repeating what your parents own relationship was like; you grew up with this and your template as a result is warped. No-one's ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like so you do not know still what that is.

Re your comment:-
"If I can just accept the way he is, stop expecting anything from him then perhaps I could at least make myself happy?"

Oh please do not do that to yourself and in turn your children who will pick up on that as well. It will simply make you feel worse than ever and you feel bad enough already.

" I grew up with my parents at each others throats the whole time and I swore I'd never do that to my dc's".

But your DCs are seeing not too dissimilar now because you grew up knowing no different either. Infact what they are seeing is just as bad and damaging; their dad's overwhelming contempt for both you and your children. One generation i.e. you is badly affected by your parents poor choices in relationships; do not let the next generation i.e. your children here pay for your relationship mistakes as well by showing them that yes this is acceptable to you.

As I said you saw a crap example of a relationship when growing up and your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons on relationships which you carried forward into your adult relationship. Those badly need unlearning and that process as well will start also when you are free of this individual who you are currently shackled to.

This isn't your fault and you deserve better. You're feeling sad at how things are, compared to how you wish they were. But I think he's not going to change and the bright future you want is much more likely if you LTB. Stay strong and look for those who are kind to you